Returning - new relationship

[breathe]

I was an active member many moons ago and 'graduated' of sorts as things were going well.  I took lots of time being single to help both myself and my daughter(D) overcome an NPD.  Thankfully co-parenting was short lived as his NPD couldn't handle anger from myself or D.  D went no-contact by her own choice 6 years ago and hasn't looked back.  I've second guessed some choices at times as single parenting is hard, but can honestly say it's easier than parenting or co-parenting with NPD.

Jump forward a few years - D started college and I met a wonderful man.  Sadly, ex is BP.  I tried to gently suggest books he should read, etc but he thought I was a quick judge due to my own history (we joke that we have matching baggage).  Well, sure enough, we bought a home and all hell broke loose.  The kids who used to talk to me all the time won't even make eye contact, SS used to play with our pitbull and is now 'afraid', and SD now has memories (implanted) of being punched by dad when she was 4 and is afraid of him.  Full on parental alienation.  We've been together two years and buying the house really kicked it all in gear.  SD called police four weeks back because dad and SS were yelling at each other - nothing unusual - SS is high-functioning autistic and tends to yell when stressed - eventually dad loses patience and yells back.  She video taped the argument on her phone.  Police showed up, interviewed all, and chalked it up to 'normal parental interaction'.  SD told dad later that her mom had told her to call 911 if there was yelling.  xBP used call to get emergency restraining order and SO wasn't allowed to communicate with kids for almost 3 weeks until it went to court.  xBP had daughter write court affidavits noting she was 'afraid of dad due to new memories', that 'dad hasn't beat either child since divorce because he's afraid of losing custody', and that he has 'anger management issues, needs help and they would be better off with mom having sole physical and legal custody'.  Parental alienation at it's finest.  SD has even been seeing a therapist for years alone to process divorce and previous thoughts of self-harm (during separation).  Now xBP started attending sessions with SD to 'help her find her feelings'. 

Thankfully, during court hearing, responding police officer provided documentation of the 911 call and results.  In addition, there was a lot of other documentation and court saw through attempts - this time.  It cost about $15k and now everyone needs individual, conjoint, and co-parenting counseling.  I know the games won't stop.  I know enough of the personality type.  SO and I aren't even able to talk.  Although co-parenting was restored by courts, there is pain and confusion over how quickly and easily kids were swayed, how easy it was to have a restraining order (when it was granted, no one had even seen the police report - it was granted based on SD being 'terrified and calling police'.  Even police noted in final report that the video didn't show anything.  SD and xBP say SO throws furniture and people believe it but there is nothing broken or dented or holey in our home.  xBP even contacted all teachers to tell of the 'situation' and got kids homework waved for three weeks to work through family issues (falling behind in school doesn't help anyone).

I'm tired.  I've been here.  This time around, I'm one step removed but still in the mix.  xBP had contacted me in June noting 'my kids really like you and i would like to get to know you better' to which i responded in kind for the health of the kids.  In July, we bought the house and she blocked my number.  Okay.  No skin off my nose, but definitely a sign of the direction we were headed in.

So I'm back to read the forum - different relationship this time and we may or may not last.  But this group provides so much insight and strength - it's time to go back to basics.

Thank you.

[xredshoesx]

i'm so sorry you are all going through this but at the same time i am glad we can be a resource, sounding board and source of validation for you again-

some of what you described about your DH's  ex BP wife reminds me so much of the behaviors i experienced with my biological mother- undiagnosed-  our twist was she didn't want to raise me, but she didn't want my dad to raise me either.  in addition to the PA campaign, she technically kidnapped me and left me in another state....courts being what they were in the 70s nothing happened to her...

i am so glad your stepkids have you.  my stepmom (who most people who don't know about my biological mother think *IS* my mom) was the rock that got my dad and their kids together through all the court stuff that dragged on for YEARS.  i'm closer to her than i am to my dad tbh- and she is the *ONLY* reason i was able to have a relationship with my dad and my half sisters.  she never gave up and when i was ready to hear the other side of the story of what happened between my parents (as an adult) she told me what she knew as honestly and openly as she could.

i know the members over on the coparenting boards can help-  there are so many more nuances with custody issues when dealing with a PD/ uPD that have been made infinitely more complex with the COVID - i know you will be in good hands there-

see you on the boards

[Penny Lane]

Hi, welcome back, but I'm sorry you have to be here. I hope you'll join us on the coparenting board, where you'll find lots of other parents and stepparents with similar stories to yours.

This is a pretty extreme case even for here. And it sounds like your SO was pretty much blindsided by his ex's behavior. I'm so sorry, this is so so hard to witness even if it's not you in the court case.

If he's now in the mood to read books, I highly recommend Divorce Poison. It addresses really bad situations like this. It's blunt and often sobering, but helpful when the alienation seems to be working.

My very quick advice to you as a fellow step: You can play a positive role in the kids lives, although it's important to always remember that you cannot totally undo the damage that their mom has done and continues to try to do. The most important thing, in my opinion, is to take care of yourself. You need to have a stable foundation as you support your SO through this very tough time and potentially provide a stable landing place for the kids. (On the other hand, if you need to uninvest from the kids, that's OK too). It is so so hard to watch this happen to people you care about when you're not in a role to be able to do a whole lot about it - believe me, I know.

I'm really rooting for you and I hope things calm down soon. Hope to see you on the boards.

PS redshoes - thanks for sharing your experience with your stepmom. It really is helpful to hear about how someone in that position has made a difference. I'm so glad you had her.

[breathe]

Thank you both so very much.

I stepped away for a bit after this post to catch my breath.  You two remind me of how very important this forum was when I was going through it with my ex.  This forum helps provide solid ground and share helpful advice/kindness.

We had our first 'week' together (kids are here every other week, but missed one due to restraining order/court).  The kids acted as if nothing happened, but did seem to be trying to push buttons - refusing to help when asked, ignoring dad's requests, not doing homework, etc.  Adults (including my 19 yo daughter) all walked on egg shells.  My SO and I fought some, which we both anticipated as we were both stressed with no real outlet.  We are now looking to find a therapist to help us navigate the complexities and remain intact.

Thank you for the book recommendation.  I had seen the same book recommended in the co-parenting forum and got it for him (not an ideal Valentine's Day present, but useful).  I think when he is ready to delve into it, he'll learn a lot, but until then, at least we have it .

I feel like we are in the eye of the storm.  SD is telling everyone across the board what they want to hear and no one knows how she really feels.  There was a virtual mediation session while they were here.  The mediator was given two hours by the courts to work the whole case - interview both parents, read all documentation and court proceedings, and summarize recommendations.  The big unknown is what SD said to the mediator.  I'm trying to remain neutral with step-kids, but it's hard - it's so hard not to get caught up in that they are a part of the big game their mom is playing - I need to remind myself that they are kids, that their loyalties are being challenged, that they are being asked to choose sides by mom, and we need to be a safe ground for their feelings - good or bad.

My daughter was yelling at me one time early on in divorce process from NPD about everything associated with addict NPD.  I calmly asked 'why are you yelling at me?' and she yelled 'because you are safe to yell out' to which I responded 'okay, give it to me'.  I have always kept that exchange in mind - sometimes people take out their frustrations on the one that is safe - the S-kids can be unkind to me because they cannot express their feelings to their parents - they don't feel safe sharing their emotions, or they don't understand what they are feeling, or they think it won't be well received, or they feel like their parents will quit loving them, or anything else.  I am the safe one - that gets hard and frustrating, but I have other outlets where the kids, especially during the pandemic, most likely don't.

Thank you again.

[breathe]

Update: SD told the mediator that she has zero intention of working on her relationship with her dad, that he needs to work on himself, and he needs to let both kids be raised by mom.  Of course, he got a copy of the mediator report (SS still wants joint custody), which hurt him.  SD won't tell him anything but keeps asking that he buy her stuff, send her on trips, be the adult volunteer for scouts, etc as if non of the words or actions mean anything more than getting what she wants. 

Painful process - started sharing in co-parenting forum.