He is so lucky I'm not like him!

[livinginmyhead]

My husband has cancer that came back after 11 years.  He is on oxygen and very weak.  He is also having incontinence issues and very short of breath.  He needs a lot of attention right now for real-not because of PD.

I have oral cancer.  I have to get life changing surgery for it in a couple of weeks.  Trying to stay on top of things so  my husband and two grown kids don't get overwhelmed when I go to the hospital for a few weeks. My boy(24)will drop by and help with what my daughter(19)can't do.  We have other people who can help as well.  We may qualify for home health nurse to look after me on occasion when I am released from the hospital.  I will have a trach and NG feeding tube.

So here's what I want to discuss.  About 4 years ago I got really sick around December.  Weak, could barely get around.  Never really found out why.

Early the next year, I was scheduled for a biopsy of my mouth.  ENT guy was going to shave about 1\16th of an inch off my tongue going down into my throat as well, and stitch it all up.  Good times. This had to be done under general anesthesia and I was nervous even though I had been through it three years prior.

My husband had a colossal meltdown two days before  I was due to get this surgical biopsy.  He screamed and raged and ranted off and on for 5 or 6 hours.  You see, when I started to feel bad with the mysterious illness and mouth acting up-the dysplasic tissue on my tongue was causing an extreme amount of pain-he had to do a little bit extra.

He had to go to the grocery store and drive all the time because I was too sick.  One of the things he ranted about was having to do extra and maybe having to do even more after I got home from ENT surgical biopsy.  Shortly after that I moved all my stuff to the spare room and never looked back.  He ranted so bad I almost had my mom take me to the surgical center but of course even after all that he HAD to take me so he could do the devoted husband charade.

Here he is today.  I am driving him all around several counties to medical appointments.  I am picking up his meds for him and basically waiting on the man hand and foot.  I do everything around here.  Cooking, cleaning,crepairs, yardwork.  I clean up after him when he has an incontinence episode.

I do it all cheerfully even though I am in a great deal of pain with this oral cancer.  I am on painkillers around the clock.  I cannot eat or brush my teeth without painkillers and topical numbing agents.

He is so lucky I am not like him.  I haven't screamed at him once.  Even though his behaviour towards me was nothing short of abominable I don't do things like that to him.

He still snaps at me and cuts me off, minimizes and devalues me every time I open my mouth.  I don't even notice it much anymore.  Don't really care too much but my daughter notices it.  I told him he'd better be nice to the kids because they are always there for us.  My daughter said if he puts one toe out of line she's over the freeway and through the hood to grandmother's house until I'm home from the hospital.

He is so lucky I'm not like him.

[Poison Ivy]

He is fortunate, indeed. I wish you well during these incredibly difficult times, livinginmyhead.