Negative Attention, Still Attention?

[BeautifulCrazy]

I left 8 months ago. Went NC.
Things are so much better in almost every way.
But I have a horrible confession: I feel disappointed, sad and even kind of angry that he is not stalking, texting, e-mailing, chasing me.
I feel ashamed admitting it. It's so stupid. Disgusting.
Where is the love bombing?
Where is the begging? The pledges of love? The desperate attempts to insinuate himself into my life? The cyberstalking? The drive-bys? The public campaigns? The "See how I've Changed"? petitions? The inquiries through friends? The gifts and tokens?

I don't want any of it. Really I don't.
And I would NEVER go back. Never!
But I feel sad somehow that it isn't going like it has in the past.
That he hasn't come begging for me to return.
I don't want the satisfaction of rejecting him. I don't want to go back. I don't actually want him turning up at my door like he did before.
I just have this big, yucky, kind of depressed feeling about this. Like, maybe, I wasn't the best thing ever to have happened him after all? That's really not it either, but it's closer. 
I just feel smaller. Less significant somehow.
It is a total paradox. I don't want his attention. I want him to leave me alone, exactly as he has been doing. Forever.
But him leaving me alone, exactly as he has been doing.... hurts?
Does this make any sense to anyone else?
I've been brought really low by this for the past week. So depressed. It's unbelieveable.

[Poison Ivy]

I think I understand.
My ex-husband has said several times, both while we were married and since the divorce, that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him. But in the last years of our marriage, especially right before I filed for divorce, when I would say things like, "If you did X, things would be better, and I might not want to get a divorce," he didn't do them and he didn't even say he would do them. I definitely felt disappointed.

[paulmichael]

Hey BeautifulCrazy, I can totally relate to this in my situation.

I was the one who was cruelly and swift discarded by a covert narcissist but I guess I always held onto the hope that someway along the line she'd come to her senses and get back in touch.

We've now not spoken at all since November (we split mid-Sept) after seven unbroken years together, so I can understand exactly what you're saying and why it's painful.

For me, it's the idea that someone I thought loved and cared for me deeply was capable of dropping me like a stone and has absolutely no idea what is going on in my life, how I am etc

I've had no hoovering, no love bombing, no nothing. It's like I mean/t nothing to her. That's the thing really holding up my healing, I think. That and the shock at the severity of the discard.

Stay strong, here to chat if you never want to.

[Stillirise]

I get it. In my case, I can't go completely NC, because we have children.  StbxUPDh would never overtly attempt something like a Hoover. He would see that as weakness.  He also would never want to seem weak to others, by inquiring about me.  Especially since I have been completely silent about him. Even when people want to volunteer information, I show polite disinterest, and they get the point.  However, because of the kids, I do have some clues that he is probing them about me—disguised as showing interest in their lives while at my house. I believe it has more to do with his insatiable need to collect tidbits of potentially negative information, that he might be able to use in some way.

I'm so thankful that the drama and crazy making have diminished, although for me, it will probably never disappear.  I like to remind myself he has always been, and always will be playing some kind of role.  Anything that indicated he had true kind and loving feelings for me before was an act.  It's also an act that he doesn't care at all about what I'm up to these days.  Because of the former, the "care" he tries to hide in the latter is for his own twisted Machiavellian gain, anyway.

So, from my experience, I would suspect your PD's lack of contact was/is also an act.  PD's are capable of playing a very long game.  The fact that he may be anticipating you eventually breaking NC and reaching out, could even be providing some kind of private supply. When that doesn't happen, and he gets bored, or stops getting supply by waiting, he may move on to his next act. Either way, remember if he did break NC, it would likely only be for him to gain additional supply from you.

I went through a grieving period awhile back. Not over losing the relationship, but over the fact that I'd been playing a key role in someone else's drama for 2 decades. I've spent a lot of time doing the self work to discover how and why I allowed that to happen.  Please don't let the PD's act diminish you.  That's exactly the role he would want you to play.  Hang in there! You are worthy of much greater things than the attention of a disordered individual.

[Boat Babe]

So wise Stillirise.

[Simon]

Yes, BeautifulCrazy, it makes perfect sense.

I'm just over a year away from my BPDex, and I sometimes feel exactly the same.
She went straight to someone else, and because they're apparently having the "inevitable" problems right now, it makes me wonder even more.
Like you, I don't want her back, never would even entertain the idea, but I guess I'm still seeking that validation too.

You mention that you want him to leave you alone, like he has been doing, forever.
Totally get that, but if you're feeling the same way I am, you'd like some evidence that it was hurting them, or they were missing you a little bit at least.
When I find myself in that place, I see it as a dangerous situation, because it could be the thin end of the wedge, where I start minimizing the abuse or my pain, ignoring the betrayal, etc, which I can't let happen.
So what I do is remind myself that not only do I not Love this person anymore (hadn't for months before the split, but kept trying), but the truth is, I don't even like her as a person.
There's very little to actually like about how she acts, how she sees the World, how she treats people behind their backs, etc., and this helps me a great deal.

What I actually really would like to see happen is her leave him and go straight to someone else.
That's very selfish of me, but I think it would extinguish that very last remnant of her that doesn't seem to want to leave my brain just yet.

Hope you don't slide backwards.
I think we all go through these same thoughts as you.
Don't know how long they will go on for, but stay strong.

Do you find yourself excusing his behaviour, or minimizing the abuse (or maybe even doubting it existed) BC?
Just curious.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Beautiful crazy. It sounds to me like lingering trauma bonds. That dynamic that bonds you to someone who is bad for you. Maybe you could do a visualization where you release yourself from the bonds, freeing yourself and feeling your Self fully return. 

Well done for getting this far btw. You rock 😃