I broke up with him.....help me not to go back to him!

[Dodo]

So udpdp and I had another fight this morning, which I suppose I instigated but I took this opportunity to break it off, now I just have to be strong and stick to my guns.  I have a lot of reasons for breaking up but it's hard for me to express them all to him as he thinks I'm a selfish, self centred, spoiled women.  Im horrible now of course, he can't figure it out and I just have to think back on everything and know I'm making the right decision but it's hard, he doesn't get it.  He said to his daughter that it was my decision not his, as far as he is concerned he thought everything was great!  He told me I am going to see what it is like to be without him and I'll be lonely and alone, but once I told him it was over he said he will never come back, he will never change his mind about anything.  Its all me.  I feel bad, but little relieved, I just have to stay away from his sad brown eyes.

[Andeza]

Hey Dodo, maybe you could list here all the things he's done and things that you know won't ever change with him. Lists are useful. They make you think about the disfunction, and reminders are a good thing when you start to think "Maybe it wasn't so bad...." But you've been on here absolutely driven up the wall by his behavior waaaaay too many times. That's not something he's going to change.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Seems to me you've been feeling lonely and alone while you were with him anyway.

I found that loneliness of being with someone who I expected to be my friend and companion and just..... wasn't.... was much worse than after I left and was able to choose more freely how I spent my time and energy. I was more 'alone' at times, but much, much less lonely.

It will be freeing for you to be away from his strange enmeshment with his daughter and his criticism as well.

I think Andeza's idea is really great!

Absolutely, stick to your guns!

You Go Girl!!!

[Dodo]

thank you I will stick to my guns and yes I've made lists in the past and I know what he has said and yes the disfunction will never end. I know it all in my head, I think I just need some time, on my own.  He will never change and I want so much more out of a relationship, he thinks because you get along and live in the house  well what more could you want, being a couple but not reaping all the joy of being a couple, just an old couple who does nothing, have no friends and never sees eye to eye on most things.  So hard to talk to him about this, so I don't bother as I need him to just be gone.

[GettingOOTF]

This is a huge step. For me I had to learn to detach myself from my ex. Once I decided to leave it no longer mattered what he thought or told others.

The important thing to realize is that it will feel horrible before it feels better. Our brain's job is to keep us safe and what feels safe to it is what is familiar. There will be times when your brain is screaming at you to go back. Going back will only make his behavior worse as it will show him you can't live without him. People like this also don't let you forget that you left. They will also do anything to stop you leaving again so the abuse and control gets worse. Taking him back will feel better temporarily but the cycle will start again.

You can absolutely do this!

[blunk]

Good for you!

Now, in addition to listing the things he did that upset you...keep reminding yourself of all the things you can do that would have been more difficult or even impossible if you were to go back with him. You can travel without him complaining about it, you can visit with friends, heck you can just leave the house because you feel like it...without it becoming a big PD production.

Wishing you peace and strength.

[Dodo]

thank you Blunk,I am sticking to my guns, the only problem now is my udpdexp has decided he is going to stay in the house till the lease is up till the end of April and until our old lab passes away as he (the dog) has a aggressive form of cancer so we have to live in the house for together for 2 months!  I thought he would leave right away but I was wrong, there are financial issues here so it makes it awkward.  So now he is upstairs and I am downstairs, he came down last night and glared at me told me I was a cold and weird person and he tried to talk to me about our issues but I know it never goes anywhere so I didn't participate and told him that "I want to break up with you".  Well he said OMG I'll never come back now, omg I felt sick but I knew I had to say this, I feel it is hard for me to express exactly why I want to break up and go my own why because I know I'll never get him to understand it so If we are going to live in this house for another 2 months my family is worried about me.  I feel exhausted right now stressed out, but I'm fine when I'm not around him.  We also bought a big dog together who is just about 2 years old.  We both love him but I am the one who feeds them, walks them and I feel the dog would be best to go with me, I just hope this doesn't cause trouble.

[blunk]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog being so sick. They are such a source of comfort in our lives, maybe even more so when we live with PDs.

I also can't imagine the difficulty and awkwardness of staying in the same house after breaking up with a PD. Did you clearly state that you want him to move out as soon as possible? Because IMO him staying for the dog sounds like it could be an excuse. The truth is they can always find an excuse...my bpdxh tried to come up with excuses to postpone leaving, as well as excuses as to why I should let him move back in after the fact.

It's good that you stayed strong and restated your intent to break up. Making him feel that he can change your mind, or sending mixed messages by discussing it further would only prolong things. And you are right, he would likely not understand or accept why, so it is best not to start a discussion about that.

I would, however, advise you to discuss what will happen with your younger dog. I too am a dog person, and my x definitely tried to use my dogs as a way to hurt me. This included threatening to send one of them to rescue out of spite. In my case, I was also the one responsible for most of their care. This meant that the vet had only my information, and their licenses with the town were also in my name...in other words if he tried to take them, or give them away, I could easily prove that they were mine.

Also, you stated that your family is worried. Is there the possibility of staying with a member of your family until the lease is up?

[Boat Babe]

I totally echo what Blunt said. Unless the alternative to staying in the house with him is sleeping on the street, then leave. Two months is a long time with a disordered person who has been dumped. He can do you all sorts of damage, including love bombing. This is precisely what you are afraid of, given the title to this thread.

Bite the bullet Dodo. You are smart and strong. You owe this to yourself.

[GettingOOTF]

I echo the other posts.

My experience with this was not good. I consider myself lucky to have left with my life. The clearer it became to him that I was not changing my mind the more his abuse ramped up.

I know from experience that it’s impossible to see the reality of the danger when you are in it. You have said in the past that you don’t think he will get physical, yet there are many signs in your posts pointing to exactly this outcome.

A couple of times my ex used this time between me saying I wanted out and his leaving, to convince me to change my mind. It cost me years of my life and each time I agreed the abuse got worse and it was harder and harder to leave.

If you decide to stay for the two months then I’d have a plan to leave quickly if it becomes necessary. Situations escalate quickly.

My ex also manipulated situations with the pets to get me to feel bad and agree to drag things out. I see now he never cared about the pets. It was all manipulation to get me to agree to him staying. He also used finances to do the same.

When I eventually got out he pretty much moved in with someone else immediately. This type of person always lands on their feet.

Leaving a relationship is the period when a woman is most likely to be murdered by her partner. This is amplified when PDs and abuse are involved. Please be careful and make a plan for yourself. Two months is a very long time and it’s a stressful time for everyone in general with Covid and the additional complications that brings.

Please check in here when you can. There are many of us who have been where you are and we want to see you safe and happy.

[Dodo]

Thank you my support circle, the only problem with leaving is I have a dying dog here I don't want to leave and another dog that he wants.  I could go and stay with my sister in law but I couldn't take the dogs as someone else in the house is deathly allergic.   So at our house I am downstairs and he is up.  He has been pleasant enough, we have a pull about the dog.  I'm wondering for myself I could go anywhere if I didn't have the dog, so maybe I should let him have him.  The problem is I love him to bits (the dog).   My ex is going to live with his daughter and son in law but can't yet as their lease isn't up till June!  So funny he said to me I just didn't know what it was like to be in a close family.  I mentioned this comment to my sister in law and it really pissed her off as my husband and boys were a close family. I didn't say anything as he just doesn't get his codependent, very enmeshed relationship with his daughter and to him it is normal.  I have no regrets about our break up, but the situation is awkward until one of us is gone!

[Boat Babe]

Hang on in there dodo. And I get it about your beloved dog. Sending hugs.

[Dodo]

thank you boat babe.....although this is difficult it is not as difficult as I thought it would be, we are living in the same house because we have to.  He is pleasant enough, always has to get his two cents in about everything, but I'm hoping he realizes his opinion doesn't mean much to me anymore.  I have been sad at times, and have had a few pangs of regret but all in all it gets easier as time goes on.  I know I have made the right decision as he is who he is and I can't change that and he doesn't think there is anything wrong so hey whats a girl to do?  He is not fighting me about the young dog anymore and the dog that is sick he has offered to look after if he lives longer than when I move out, so that works out OK, as my old dog loves him and I can come by and see him if he gets bad.  I don't know why I put up with his behaviour for so long and feel I should get help so I don't get myself into the same situation again.  My son was worried that he would get angry and angrier if I stayed in the house with him, but surprisingly he is OK, his daughter and her husband and stepdaughter are moving into this house when I move out, surprise surprise, omg.

[GettingOOTF]

When I left my abusive marriage to a BPD man I went to therapy and the focus was on working out why I chose a man like him and why I stayed for as long as I did.

It was really the best thing I did myself. What I learned about myself has helped me in every single area of my life. I came to all of this quite late in life but it will make such a difference to my remaining time.

It was hard and painful work and I resisted it for a long time but now I can clearly see why I made the decisions that I did. This clarity has allowed me to forgive myself as well as to ensure I make healthier choices now.

[Dodo]

God I wish I could get out of the house, it is depressing to think of all the work I have to do to move out of here.  My updex came down last night to tell me he can't believe I broke up with him, what a great guy he was and how self centred I am.  He couldn't understand why I wasn't happy, as he said "I live in a nice house, I have my own money, I can go get my nail done when I want".  I told him I had needed a lot more than taking care of a house and him, I said maybe his late wife was OK with that but I'm not her.  He then went on to say how jealous I was of his daughter, whom I guess had promised his late wife that she would look after her Dad after she was gone, and as he put it, she took that promise very seriously. God that annoyed me but I didn't say anything.  I know when I get away from him I'll be fine but living in this house together for another 2 months is HARD!  He doesn't understand any of the reasons I broke up with him, he just thinks I'm nuts thats all!

[GettingOOTF]

He will use this time to do all he can to get you to stay. 2 months is a very long time to be in this situation. You are trying to get out and he is trying to pull you back in.  He has more to lose than you do so he will be more relentless. It’s easier to stay where you are than do something different so this will be a harder time for you than for him.

I found the best way to deal with my ex was to not engage. I would draw a boundary around these discussions. When he raised the subject you can say something like “I have already told you I’m leaving on x. I will not discuss this further” and then I would leave the room or even the house.

He is testing you for weakness in your resolve. The more you subject yourself to it the more likely he is to succeed.

He is not going to tell you what you want to hear. I learned this the hard way and it cost me years of my life.

[Dodo]

thank you Out of the FOG, it's funny that you say he is trying to pull me back in, you are right about engaging I am too easy I am too friendly and feel mildly sorry for him.  I do engage in conversation, I don't really care what he thinks so I tell him stuff, tonight we had another tiff, he was saying how he can't stand my sister in law, how I don't don't have any friends, he really pissed me off tonight and after I made him dinner, what a jerk, it is so hard living here with him, I so just want to get on with my life.  He is so needy, so incapable of looking after himself, he has to have his daughter take care of him or myself, he can't cook, he can't do laundry, he really is so dependent on someone to look after him and he doesn't see anything odd about that.  Hoping I can sell my Condo soon and be the hell out of here!