My mom can be so...so...frustrating...

[kethartikk]

A conversation with my 'suspected' codependent mom with covert narcissist traits reminded me of how frustrating communicating with her can be.

I will not go into specifics, but she can be thoughtlessly nice, saying kind things usually, but she just as easily says thoughtlessly insensitive remarks and rude gestures. I feel that because she doesn't think about it; she doesn't intentionally mean to be offensive, but I still feel the offense.

She also would get just as offended as anybody should when she would get treated in a way that reflects the same rudeness. But she doesn't seem to be aware that other people feel just as offended when SHE does it, and it's upsetting to me that she doesn't know that.

I know she doesn't intend on offending anybody, but that's why it's hard to point out when she might be because she always defends her 'intention' rather than her 'action'. I can't count how many times we go-around in circles and she would deny any ill-intent, especially if it makes her feel like she is being accused of being a bad person. She is not. But she personalizes any form of feedback of her behavior and from there, good luck trying to get her to come around. She feels attacked. And she's done. She throws her hands up and gives an exasperated sigh and apologizes for being a terrible person and walks away during the conversation. Ironically, she is upset with me for trying to express how upset I am with her. It's like she's canceling out my feelings and I find this extremely frustrating to deal with.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent a little...

[Thru the Rain]

My uPDM does this a lot. Acts "accidentally" mean and then argues her intentions were good and she shouldn't be accountable for her words.

But as she gotten older, and the mask has started to slip (or I've started to notice), the meanness looks less and less accidental. And now I think it was never accidental. It's for attention. And my uPDM likes negative attention even more than positive attention.

Try ignoring some of your M's bad behavior. Based on what I know of my own M, I predict if you start ignoring some of this,  she'll ramp up from rude to outrageous pretty quickly and you'll know it's all for the attention.

[Outsiderchild]

Yes, nonPD's can inadvertently say or do things that hurt others.  However, they apologize and make an effort to change.  That's it.  That's the difference.   PD's are unwilling or unable to change.  The discomfort of the mere thought of  changing their behavior is more painful to them than knowing they have hurt you.   The lightest featherweight of their discomfort  is bigger than any Boulder of your pain that they create, thus justifying their behavior and making you so, so mean to hold them to a functional level of behavior.   No wonder it feels doesn't make sense to you. 

[WinterStar]

kethartikk,

I hear you. I call my mom the nice waif. She is always nice. Even when she is stomping all over my feelings and guilting me into doing what she wants, she is so nice.

She's never angry. She just gets "hurt" and cries. So I try to address an issue with her that is extremely upsetting for me, and I end up comforting her. I sent her a letter about something years ago and she called, hysterically crying and letting me know that she had been crying for hours, and I had a kind of out of body experience where I watched the situation pivot away from what I needed to address and saw myself offering my mom comfort and reassurance. She may not have done this "on purpose", but she found a way to avoid talking about what she didn't want to talk about and made the situation all about her and her feelings, silencing me like she has so many times before. Also worth noting, I sent a letter because whenever I try to address things in person or over the phone, she always steers the conversation away before I can even get my thoughts out.

My mom also has a naivety that she carries around and can pull out of her back pocket when needed. It used to drive me insane trying to figure out how she couldn't know certain things, but she doesn't want to know and works to not know. When I was pregnant for the first time, I told my mom and asked her not to tell anyone because I wanted to share the happy news. So she didn't tell anyone. She just rang her sister and asked, "Have you spoken with WinterStar lately?" And then when my aunt correctly assumed I was pregnant or dying, my mom "had to" tell her I was pregnant so that my aunt wouldn't be worried. And all of this seems like maybe my mom didn't know exactly what she was doing until you find out that after she hung up with my aunt, she rang her mother and asked, "Have you spoken with WinterStar lately?" She knew exactly what she was doing the whole time. She just wanted to talk with them about becoming a grandma and didn't want to wait for me to tell them, so she figured out a way to "accidentally" tell them. And to this day she maintains that she never meant to do it.

[Sneezy]

I know she doesn't intend on offending anybody

That is probably true.  Your mom's intent is more likely to be to get attention.  And she will do whatever it takes to get attention, including "accidentally" offending someone.  She needs attention - good attention, bad attention - it doesn't matter.  What she can't stand is to be ignored or neglected.  And so she stirs the pot, says something offensive, and then sits back and revels in the bad attention.  It's all about her feelings and her reaction to being accused, falsely in her mind, of being a bad person.  If you have a chance, go to youtube and check out Dr. Daniel Fox's videos on covert narcissism.  They explain a lot.  And practice your medium chill and boundaries.  It is unlikely your mother will change her behavior.  But you can change how you react so that she stops using you for her supply.  Good luck!

[bostonbound]

WinterStar ....My dad fluctuates between being hurt and being a king/master.   I guess he tries to see what will work.  How can he be such a tyrant sometimes, then so pitiful other times.