Reasons I'm not speaking to NM, according to NM

[frogjumpsout]

(Yesterday, I went through my spam folder with a friend and found a doozy of a letter. Didn't want to read it, but got a bit of the gist.)

1. She "believed in me too much," and I'm ashamed of not having lived up to my potential and her expectations
2. Pure selfishness!

What other reasons have your NParents attributed to your NC decision?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm mentally ill. And I'm angry they didn't rescue me from the consequences of that. Including major problems in my marriage, raising my children, and running my household. And at this point I'm probably ashamed to come back after what I did to them.

It's pure projection. Sounds about right for your mother too. She "Believed in you too much" takes the cake though. What a nicely spun way of saying she was impossible to please. 

[GettingOOTF]

The narrative in my family is that I think I'm better than them, as well as the fact that I'm "crazy" and have issues.

[Starboard Song]

We did the famous pattern where things have been going more and more sideways, and then they do one silent treat too many. This silent treat was the Big One. We were told by a complacent FIL that my MIL had made a decision: she no longer wanted to interact with me or my wife.

There were reasons at the time for this rejection, but we are working on 6 years of resulting NC now. And what I find fascinating is that on three occasions when I spoke to them of this decision to no longer interact with us, which she said was permanent, they don't seem to recall it. The first time this happened, two months in, you'd think my FIL would have said, "oh gosh, we didn't mean that." The second time, 4 months in, you certainly wouldn't expect my MIL to say she'd have to go check her email to see if she said that. And the third time, 2 1/2 years in, you really wouldn't expect my FIL to act like he'd never heard of such a thing.

So they've created a story line where we are mean, selfish people who were looking for an excuse to reject them and did so over a single letter they do now concede was mean. Though they can't write that without spitting out that everything in the mean letter was true.

[AlisonWonder]

At first it was "she became very independent all of a sudden" .  I was a burden nobly borne! 

I don't know what she said when it continued, but the men in my FOO said I was crazy.  They like to do that to protect themselves from any accusations of, you know, from the females.  It was a long long time before I noticed it was just the men, not the women who said that, and the subject was only ever a female no matter how nutty a male acted.

(In my FOO, crazy means "evil prey that runs away with malice", not "vulnerable person" ) 

[doglady]

Well, "we certainly don't know what we've done wrong" so, going on past reasons they've given, it must be because I "have always been very selfish."

[Free2Bme]

My M and her husband went NC with me when I divorced updxh.  Although they told me they would be there for me and 4 kids, love, support, blah³.   I then learned they had a meeting with my pastor (without my knowledge) telling him they disagreed with the divorce.   Afterward, they formed an alliance with updxh and bought into his lie that he (updxh) would provide their only access to grandchildren because I was going to alienate them from kids.     This of course was totally untrue.  Although M had some issues (immature and often forgetful) I never wanted her out of my life or my kids life, I saw no need for that and expressed that I wanted a close relationship with them. 

Their 'support' ceased before it ever began. 

On several occasions I confronted M with the truth of what updxh was doing, how he was using them to hurt me, and how hurtful M and SF actions had been..........total denial on M part.  She played the victim card and has created a narrative (with the help of updxh and her husband) that "Free2Bme is purposely aiming to destroy children's' relationship with grandparents".  All of this AFTER my children (17,16,13,10 at the time) went to grandparents individually and privately and told them how their father (updxh) was treating them and me (abuse). 

M texts kids periodically over the last 5 years saying how sad she is,  how desperate she is to have a relationship with them (not me, her only child), how hard this has been for her, and she'll never give up fighting for them.    I don't get in the way of communications between them, or disparage her, but she will make derogatory comments about me to kids.

The last text mom sent me was to wish me a Happy Valentines Day.  Seems she wants to send a text on holidays and call it her effort to reconcile.   I responded that I did not understand why she didn't want a relationship with me or her GC, in return I get the same long text about how she has done everything in her power...... the problem is always everyone else, I still can't finish reading it.  She has actually said, the way to fix our issues is to just forget it and call it a clean slate.

This is an example of living the same, unexamined life, every day, for 70 years. 

My crime:  speaking the truth and telling M that I wanted her to take responsibility for her choices, and of course I have always been "too vocal about these things". Huh?

[blues_cruise]

I apparently got called mentally unwell (projection at its finest). He also went around asking if I was pregnant, as though that could be a reason for not speaking to him.  I can't even begin to untangle the logic there, it's just weird. I get creeped out that his thought process jumps to that to be honest, it's none of his business.

[Boat Babe]

They have NO empathy. At all. It's all about them and their self pity and arrogance. Highly toxic and hugely damaging.

[Mintstripes]

Well, "we certainly don't know what we've done wrong" so, going on past reasons they've given, it must be because I "have always been very selfish."

I think we have the same parents.

I can just hear it now. "We always did our best, look at the thanks we get! She was always so selfish and difficult to be around."

[Leonor]

Hello fellow selfish crazy people!

I am a "(deep sigh) lost daughter (slight head shake, moist eyes.)"

I was first isolated by my mean abusive husband who wouldn't let me talk to my family or friends anymore.

Then I was brainwashed by my therapist who implanted false memories in my poor little empty head.

[frogjumpsout]

Dear SCPeeps (a la Lenor, "Selfish Crazy People")

I really appreciate everyone's responses. Thank you.    And, of course, I remembered a few additional reasons as I was reading the ones you've heard: I've been called crazy, too sensitive, too focused on the past, too talky, too much of a troublemaker,  and brainwashed by my partner (whom I'd also apparently brainwashed by turning him against the family members he witnessed acting shittily towards me. It's complicated!)

Free2Be, that story if just awful. I'm sorry. Your kids are lucky to have you.

This has been a week of escalating hoovers and it's been such a relief to go to this site and read. Thank you again.