Well, I THOUGHT we had a settlement agreement. Still in limbo...

LiftingFog · March 11, 2021, 07:36:28 AM

I misunderstood my lawyer when he said we should counter for 5K more. I thought it was a done deal, but he was being prematurely optimistic. 2 weeks later, and we don't have a response from STBXunpdH's lawyer.

I'm fine playing the waiting game because I get stronger and more determined every day. But I can't help but think that this was a mistake, and I should have agreed to the lesser (by 5K) amount. The fact that I countered with a slightly higher amount, if he agrees to it, it would be on MY terms with ME having the final say, so to speak. Everything related to the divorce settlement has been out of his control, thanks to my meticulous documentation, but this may push him too far.

I need to trust my lawyer. He did say to me that the other attorney stated that he would "strongly advise his client" to accept my final offer. It's a fair deal and he would be making out in the long run by not having to sell our/his dream home.

Boat Babe · March 11, 2021, 08:11:31 AM

Hold fast !

GettingOOTF · March 11, 2021, 08:13:32 AM

I had a really bad attorney who dragged my divorce out for a really long time. Looking back it was the best thing that could have happened because as you point out, I got stronger. I ended up walking away with every single asset at I had enough distance to heal to the point I could stand up for myself and beat him at his own game.

Hang in there. It will be worth it in the end.

blunk · March 11, 2021, 08:31:46 AM

This is a difficult process for sure, and the waiting can be anxiety inducing. The way I see it, this is a counter to what he and his lawyer have already offered, so one of three things could happen:

1. He can accept your counter offer...obviously best case scenario

2. He can make a counter offer of his own...somewhere between so you still gain a little ground

3. He can just say no, which means that you can still choose to accept his last offer...which you said was less than you wanted, but you were willing to accept

I know it's easy to say be patient, but that really is the best course of action here. Best of luck to you!

Penny Lane · March 11, 2021, 02:24:29 PM

Ditto blunk - you can salvage this even if your stbx tries to torpedo it.

I want to add - yes, you should trust your lawyer. Your lawyer knows more about the courts and the law than you do and has a more objective view about what you're entitled to. BUT, you know your stbx much better than the lawyer does. The lawyer is probably thinking "$5k is more than fair, I should be trying to get the best possible deal for my client." But what he doesn't know is that the difference between your stbx's offer and yours isn't just $5k; it's the difference between your ex "winning" in his own mind and not.

My point is in the future, you can listen to your instincts even if it's not what the experts say to do! The trick is to balance their expertise ("you are realistically owed this $5k) with your own insight into your ex's patterns and triggers ("the fallout from this might not be worth $5k.")

In the end I think either way it shakes out will be OK - either you'll get the money you're entitled to, OR your ex will come out feeling like he "won" even though you got a good deal. I know it's nerve-wracking to wait, but I think you will end up with either his offer or yours, either of which works. (And if your ex uses this as an excuse to kill the deal, in my view he probably would've always tried to torpedo it).

Hang in there, you're so close!

LiftingFog · March 12, 2021, 09:32:35 AM

Thanks guys!

You're right, Blunk. One of those 3 scenarios WILL happen, and with any of them, I will be happy. I guess I was worried that me countering would send him into a rage, pull everything off the table, and want to do battle in court. If he did that, he could lose the house completely. Plus, I know he doesn't have the mental ability to air this in a courtroom, especially with the correspondence I've saved. And there's the whole anxiety thing too. He does not have the tools to deal with stress, and now that I'm gone, no one is left to carry his emotional burdens, other than his mom.

So, I wait. And plan. It's nice dreaming about my future again and I'm excited to see how it unfolds.

Love and strength to you all!

JustKeepTrying · March 15, 2021, 12:11:37 AM

You sound so strong and determined! Admirable!

I know that I asked for too little. I felt guilty for leaving and let it determine the terms. My lawyer thought different and stood strong and wrung every last cent that I was owed from my 32 years. Encouraged my lawyer, I found hidden accounts and assets he claimed were his alone - we entered the marriage equally broke. Sigh. Fortunately our state has an equal split so it was up to me to find the money. He knew it was all there and thought I couldn't find it. I did and we split it all.

Long story long, if I had gone with my instinct I would be in a different position today. Trust your instinct, yes. Then verify.

GettingOOTF · March 15, 2021, 05:52:32 AM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on March 15, 2021, 12:11:37 AMif I had gone with my instinct I would be in a different position today.

This is a very important observation. Divorcing a PD is hard. We are usually doing it after years of abuse. We feel guilty and we simply want to be free at that point.

In time you get over all of that and you wake up with the life you have. The divorce is the period during which you set up this life. At some point you will start to see the PD clearly and your whole attitude towards them will change.

During my divorce my focus was on walking away with my assets. It was all I cared about and it was all I focused on. I didn’t have much but keeping them set up the life I have now. I’m currently looking into an early semi-retirement doing something I love, on my own terms and living somewhere I’ve always wanted to live. In my 40s. If I hadn’t followed my instincts, if I’d given in to my guilt and exhaustion I’d be in a very different position now.

The last I heard my ex is still in debt, still under employed and still living exactly the same way he did when I was with him. They don’t change. You sacrificing your own finances will not magically transform them. Your money is worth more to you than your PD. They will do what they always do, you will build a new life.