Lurking SIL ...

[Leonor]

Two summers ago, my SIL got mad at dh and stormed out of our home and stopped speaking to us. A few days later, she sent a text to my 11-yr old son (!) saying that the ILs would always be there for him and she wanted to take him to all these exciting places, but that she "had nothing to say" to his father.



When ds showed us the message with wide happy eyes, we immediately said oh, that's good, sweetheart, let's see what we can do and then proceeded, in another room on another phone, to let SIL know that any invitations should be offered to us for approval and, if granted, scheduling. At which point we received a long scathing rant of nonsense, so we ended the conversation.



Between us, the boundary is no way ever  will SIL be allowed contact with any of our children ever as long as we are responsible for their wellbeing. When our kids ask about her we just say that sometimes adults have things to work out and children don't have to worry about it, we and give them a hug, and off they go ...

Of course, SIL has not contacted us since and had not reached out to any of our sons, which frankly makes our lives easier.




So, I blocked the lot of them from FB early on, but it didn't occur to me to check my LinkedIn list until yesterday when I began to update my profile and ... Ta dah! There is SIL, following me.



Seriously?

So I blocked her there too.

It's just ...



Honestly, these people!

[Cat of the Canals]

I swear PDs see boundaries as some sort of fence surrounding a magical fairy castle they *just have to seeeeee*.

My MIL tried to friend me on Facebook a few years ago. NO THANK YOU! I already learned that lesson when I allowed my unBPD mother to friend me, and then she went around telling all of HER friends to friend me too. (Enmeshment much???)

I ignored MIL's friend request, even after a few "hints" to my husband that she'd tried to friend me but she didn't think it worked. 

The final straw was when she cornered him during a visit and told him that she'd seen the photos of my brother's wedding and that it's obvious that I want him to propose (we are married in every way except legally). She's been doing this kind of thing for the 19 years we've been together and always waits until I'm not in the room, otherwise I'd tell her to BUTT OUT. Anyway, I decided that if she was going to use the limited access she had to my FB account to harass my husband, she had no right to any access at all. I blocked her.

Of course MIL figured that out and waifed to SIL about it. SIL is a lovely person but is deeply in the FOG. Instead of asking me about it (because no one in either of our families will talk openly about ANYTHING) she filtered me from seeing most of her posts in retaliation.    But MIL still keeps tabs on me through SIL's account.

Seriously, PDs are the gift that keep giving.

[Hilltop]

They like to know what is going on don't they, a little something to gossip about.

I just found out my mother who I am currently NC with is calling my MIL, I am not on social media.  To tell you the truth I don't think it's anything about me.  Its about her.  She just needs to have some information to give to other people when they ask, so this is an in to be able to get new fresh info. 

At least now your SIL is blocked.  Its annoying though.

[Leonor]

Yeah, so annoying and creepy. Like, get a life already. They acted as if I didn't exist when I was bending over backwards for them, and now that I dropped the rope they're all peering in between the curtains. It's just ... childish and stalky at the same time. 

[nanotech]

Yeah, so annoying and creepy. Like, get a life already. They acted as if I didn't exist when I was bending over backwards for them, and now that I dropped the rope they're all peering in between the curtains. It's just ... childish and stalky at the same time. 

They still want to act as if we don't exist. Yet they want a derailed documentary on our lives. It's not being family minded, though that's how they paint it. Social media is, for them, a weapon for the purposes of abusing us.
If took me AGES to work this out! It's because they disguise their desire for social media links with us as being 'proof' of their love. It's not. There's this horrible sense of detached and often cruel entitlement they feel they have. They read all about us, act passive aggressively to us in front of others, ghost us when it suits them, and greedily stash ALL our information, ready to use it against us  any time, any place, and in any context.
They love to click on our friend's Facebook pages and spy on our discussions/ outings/ history with them!
My siblings OFTEN tried to embarrass me online. They would frequently bring up something I'd said or done years ago- putting their own very critical twist on it. Shaming and mocking  me were their default buttons. Always in ways that were deniable, they abused me.
The two worst narcs loved Facebook group chats too and would try belittling and mocking with the other sibs watching and enabling. When it got too much ( yet I was still in the fog) I would quietly leave the group. They would petulantly re -add me, using a lame excuse.
In all cases, I stupidly used to take the bait, and then I would JADE. The unfairness of each comment would cause me to wax extremely defensive. Then I'd be mocked online and offline.
Nbro would ring UNBPDmum and tell her that he'd 'upset me somehow.'  Mum would ring me. There would be a sense of my being mocked for 'overreacting.'  I'd have then to answer for my reactions.
So then that was me in the wrong. Twice over. In public and within the family.
I didn't understand that I was feeding the Nbeasts!
When I first blocked them from social media, they tried everything in their power. They particularly tried guilting,insinuating that I 'wasn't family minded.'
Oh, the irony.
It was like trying to leave a cult.
Because it's a trauma bond, where we've been brainwashed, I sometimes sort of missed it in a way. But go me, I resisted!
Hold strong!  It gets easier!
When the flying monkeys try, I always  just medium chill.I never JADE.
I say that if anyof my family members wanna ring or come visit ( I tried for years with the face to face contract but they don't want it. They are either keyboard warriors, or if it is face to face,  if they have to be in a pack so their bullying is mutually supported / enabled. I realise that there being no chance of them turning up  this makes me luckier than many  abuse survivors.
I make the most of it. They only do face to face if there's a lot of them together, as in 'party'. Then they will do the 'party' after the party. I didn't ever get invited to THAT party, but I was allowed to find out about it afterwards. They liked me to know I'd been excluded and probably criticised and mocked.
Sorry to go on!

[Leonor]

Oh my gosh you all thank you so much!

Yes, it *is* proprietary! It is a way to control, because it's a way to say, see you're not getting rid of us that easy.

When I first started coming out of all my dog and start real healing, I went off social media for a while. I just needed to feel like I could draw this private space around me and feel safe and off the grid,as it were.

Now I'm in a different space. I say, I'm not in the witness protection program. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not afraid anymore. It's like Alice in Wonderland, when she realizes that all of the frightening creatures around her are really just weak and silly. "Oh, pooh!"

So that's what I say. "Oh, pooh. Blocked!"