Fear of conflict, fear of letting parents down?

[LostPossum]

My ex broke up with me after 6 years because she felt I was not being supportive of her. She said she was very unhappy when breaking up but never brought it up before. Yah we would have our arguments but it was never about her being unhappy, that came out of nowhere. Most of our arguments ended the day of and we tended to resolve them.

Her lack of support she felt came in weird ways though. For example she began working full time and we lived apart and I would ask her for some more time together. Because at this point I would only see her 1-2 times a week for a few hours despite us being together for 6 years, and living 10 minutes apart. In this situation she told me she felt I was not being supportive of her being busy with work. She only worked 40 hours a week as had I, and she has 0 friends. So I just kept feeling like she was avoiding me since she didnt seem interested in seeing me more often. I wouldn't bug her to spend time, but rather I would ask her to include me in things in her life during the week. She told me she felt unsupported because I was not understanding that she was busy with work. (Again only 40 hours)

Another thing, she and I shared our cats. During this time she lived with her parents. Her father is antianimal, one time he kicked their dog and my ex came down on him. She had me bring over our cat 1 time and he was screaming about letting the animal go by opening the doors and such so its not in his house. She wanted me to let our animal stay at her house full time and I was opposing the idea because I was not able to see her that often and further I was just asking for compromise of like switching off weeks. She was not having any of it. "You have had him for months, I just want him now its only fair." To which it is true, but I was asking for compromise and she felt by me simply asking that I was not supportive of her and that I was being selfish. She ended the conversation by literally just saying, "its fine, hes your cat, you can have full ownership." And I just said I never asked for that I just want to find a compromise where we both get to see our cat and one which he wont be hurt and have me worrying about her dad.

She had an abortion because when she announced unexpectedly, I had a panic attack due to circumstances at the time. No jobs for both, not living together and she wouldnt live with me because she feared her parents opinion, etc. I voiced these during my panic attack and she agreed. Her reason was fear of her parents. She voiced it many times in therapy. She thanked me for being so supportive before and after the abortion. Then during breakup she told me she was unhappy because of me (never said this before), she felt depressed because of me and our relationship (never said before), and that had I not panicked she likely wouldn't have had the abortion. This destroyed me considering she made her reasons clear before and now changed them when leaving me. She told me she felt heart broken during the breakup because my panic showed her I didnt want to have a child with her and that she was not goid enough. I NEVER ONCE said those things nor did I feel that way. I told her I respected her choice and I felt she was incredibly strong for getting through everything.

Finally, we went to my family cabin. Mind you, I would spend upwards of 5 days a week with her family at times for the first 4 years. However she only spent time with my immediate family maybe 6 times a year, and my extended family like once or twice. I would invite her but she just wouldn't always want to. So we went to the cabin and she was involved in an accident on an ATV with my 14 year old cousin driving and her on the back. Obviously my cousin never intended to hurt them, as my cousin sustained major injuries as well as my ex. Ya know were at 5 years together, were talking about children, well with children comes family holidays and such. After the accident I didnt speak to my cousin because I was mad she hurt my girlfriend despite it being an accident and all. But I did bring up to my ex over to course of a month maybe 5 times, is my cousin and her family going to be allowed to anything we plan? My ex was completely against it and wanted nothing to do with them. She felt and told me that I chose my family in this and I was not supportive of her. Its not that I chose my family... i still havent spoke to those members since the accident... but rather I was just again asking for a compromise. I understand the compromise was focused on my wants over hers, but I was only asking. Over the course of that month she felt hurt and by the end of the month I blocked my family members involved so she could see I am choosing her and never brought it back up. Again she felt I was not supportive of her, and that I chose my family over her.

She told me she values loyalty and that because I was not loyal to her, not supportive of her, that she was extremely unhappy when breaking up with me.

I just felt like I should be able to ask for compromises and not be vindicated for not supporting her.

I felt like she needed someone who would set 100% of their own wants or needs aside for her own.

She left me and removed me completely from her life, just as she did with the few friends she tried to make while with me in those years. She has 0 friends because of her feelings and I just feel like what she said about me is completely false. I would have undying support for her, yet my asking of compromise to her was unsupportive?

I feel like my ex was an adult child emotionally...

At 29:
She couldn't handle conflict.
She has a curfew and is scared to break it - she never slept over at my house.
She got a tattoo and wears makeup to cover it up around her parents.
She has 0 friends.
She never has owned a car and uses her parents.
When we lived together in college she feared her parents finding out, so when they would come over I would need to move all my stuff to my car.
It took her 7 years to finish her bachelor's because at first she was doing what her parents suggested. I suggested to follow her heart and her own passions and she switched it.
She would tell me that we cannot live together until we are married out of fear of her parents.
After being together for 6 years she feared her parents finding out about us having sex - she had an abortion because of her fear of them and us not being married.
She would blame others for her unhappiness and such.
She had to have it her way and if not she said she was hurt and felt unsupported.
She demanded things in an ultimatum type way and would say she was hurt if you didnt do them or even have an opinion against them.
She values loyalty to a 100% way and idealizes her expectations, if there not reached then you hurt her. Whether intentional or not, she was hurt and holds that in her mind.
With conflict, she would blame others rather then take her own blame.
Victim mentality.
She has had 2 relationships before ours, max 6 months, she grew up in a home school religious based home. I poured my heart into her and put her on a pedastal (not healthy I know...)

She left me blaming me, I was simply apologizing and asking to work on things with outside help (therapy). She told me she was unhappy and suicidal because of me and our relationship. She would tell me, If you loved me you would or wouldnt do... I asked to be friends, she agreed, then proceeded to tell me she couldn't a week later. Then completely removed me from any sphere of her life asking for no contact to heal. Again blaming me and victim mentality.

She seemed mature most of the time, except with her parents and conflict. She thinks that her ways are normal and its normal to be fearful of her parents opinion. She has 7 siblings and they all do similar things because they fear their father. They defy him and hide it out of fear.

I do love her deeply despite all of this. Because when things were not negative. They were amazing.

What is your take?

Do emotionally immature/adult children exes come back?

I would love to be friends but not looking to feel destroyed again with my heart.

What is going on with her following in line so deeply with her parents approval to the point that was her reasoning for an abortion, hiding living together for years, and other things?

[moglow]

She sounds deeply enmeshed with and dependent upon her parents. While she's with them, she's taken care of, catered to, everything is taken care of, no real responsibility for her own life. And - she always has someone to blame when things go wrong, her unhappiness, etc. Understand that it's a choice, and when they aren't around anymore she'll make the same demands of whoever is. 


Love her you may, but this childwoman may choose to stay exactly as she is. It works for her. You can't be friends, true friends, as long as you have any hopes you'll get back together. One day after time has passed and you've moved on, maybe.

[1footouttadefog]

I agree with the above poster.  You might be able to. Be friends in the future but for now it would not be healthy or possible.

She is enmeshed with the family. She is not willing to break free to be available for a healthy relationship on an adult level.

There are lots of red flags in your story.  I think the likely hood of her having a PD is very high.  The chances of her changing are likely very low.