I should be used to this by now....Dad

[bostonbound]

.....but it constantly weighs on me, so I'm posting to let my feelings out and hear what you have to say.

I've gone through periods of NC with my dad, but go back because of guilt and the fact that he is in his 80's.

Most recently things have been better.  We email back and forth a few times a week.  Last week he accused me of keeping something from him.  He was wrong.  I knew nothing about what he was talking about.  Naturally I got angry and told him I did no such thing.  A few days later he told me that he "chose" to believe me.  Lucky me.  For the record, I'm an honest, trustworthy person.  There has never been anything I've done to warrant this behavior.  Now after less than a week, because I haven't emailed him, he is telling me to "just get over it".   On his time table.  No real apologies of course.  Everything is supposed to be just dandy. Now because I've kept my distance he will label me as the bad guy and instigator I suppose.

Through the years we have had to deal with his emotional health and be expected to cater to this.  But, no consideration for my or my siblings feelings EVER.  He has always been overly concerned about us physically but never emotionally.  This is just one.more.thing.  He says he's tired of all the drama in the family.  Drama that is 95% his doing.  Much is started by him and the rest is our reaction to years of this crap.

I'm sure many of you will understand that through the years I've never was "allowed" to tell him when I was upset with him.  Because it will always end up being my fault.  Always.  Yet he could DUMP DUMP hurtful things onto me and my siblings. Constantly.

Thanks for listening.  My wife is  understanding but just doesn't know what to say anymore.  I can't blame her.  There are no answers.

[Adria]

I'm sorry Bostonbound,

I completely get it.  My narc dad is in his 80's as well.  We have been NC for 30 years because of his antics and many of them serious and life altering for me.  I've attempted a relationship a couple of times during the last few decades as well as him with me.  Unfortunately, things never change, so the attempts are very short lived.  You hear many times that people mellow with age.  I don't think it is true with narcs. I feel they stay the same or many times worsen.  I don't feel guilty anymore.  My father is pure evil towards me and has damaged me financially, emotionally, and physically, then went after my kids and caused severe damage to them to hurt me.  I'm done. He doesn't deserve us and I will never miss him when he is gone.  I know it sounds brutal, but it is what it is.  If your father isn't super mean, but just annoying, maybe you can keep some kind of small contact as it might make you feel better. My situation was very extreme. It hurts us so much because all we wanted was to love our father and wanted him to love us back.  Something they can't seem to do. You have to do what is right for you. Whatever that is. And it can be very hard to figure that out, and it can also depend on how you are feeling on a specific day. My husband understands, but has also run out of things to say because, you are right, most times there seems to be no good answers. You sound like a good caring loving person, so hold onto that with your wife.  Try to  keep a good life between the two of you. That is most important. Do what makes you comfortable with your father. Don't feel like things always have to be set in stone.  If something you decide to do doesn't work, you can change it. That is okay. I wish you the best.   

[bostonbound]

Sorry to hear that your situation is so rough.  Thanks for your support.

[Cat of the Canals]

The PD in my life is my mom, but I can still empathize with this a lot. Especially this:

I'm sure many of you will understand that through the years I've never was "allowed" to tell him when I was upset with him.  Because it will always end up being my fault.  Always.  Yet he could DUMP DUMP hurtful things onto me and my siblings. Constantly.

Not only were were not allowed to be upset with her, we weren't allowed to be upset, period.

Years ago, I had a cat that was sick for several months. I was doing all this stuff to take care of him. At one point she said, "Well, there are other cats in the world." Meaning she was tired of hearing about my sick cat, I should just get rid of him, and get a new one. Meanwhile, when her precious cat went missing for two weeks, she was completely bereft, and it was ALL I HEARD ABOUT. I never would have dreamed of telling her to just get another cat.

She also absolutely interprets any silence or gap in communication as the silent treatment. HER favorite game.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is to give them "one more chance" again and again only to end up disappointed by their absolute selfishness for the 1000th time.

[Seven]

Bostonbound,

I hear every word. Every word.

"He chose to believe me". Makes me shudder.  If it comes out of my mouth it's never to be believed.  Comes out of one of the GC mouth's it's gospel.

And catering to her emotions...that's all anyone has ever done..."but what about meeeeeeeee?"

You are heard.

[bostonbound]

Cat of the Canals...Isn't is it maddening?  I mean, really.  I just get so sick and tired of the drama.  I just want a calm and peaceful life.  Yes, I wish I had a dad that I could be close to but I'm really over that by now.  I just want peace....

[bostonbound]

Seven....It's uncanny how everyone's stories are so similar.....If I dumped 1/10th of the things dad has dumped on me on him my life would be more 100 times more hellacious than it is now.  So I have to sit and take it.  It's crazy.  How can someone's viewpoint be so messed up.

[Cat of the Canals]

Maddening is right. And I know what you mean about just wanting peace and calm. Yet the more I avoid drama, the harder she fights to create it. 

[bostonbound]

That is so true!