Hoovering vent

[Bunnyme]

I had to come here to just vent to people who understand.   Just got a huge flower arrangement.  Card was how he still loves me, hopes I can forgive him, I do so much...  delivered while i was in a work meeting (to my house, but others on the call saw them when my son brought them to me).  Fighting back tears while on the meet with comments of "how sweet!" "Beautiful" etc. 
Still not regularly paying support, yet you can afford this?  I cant pay for childcare with flowers.  He keeps offering to pay, but then coming up with reasons why he cant.  Not even a mention of mother's day. 
I'm so far beyond being hoovered by this.  I see if for the, dare I say, abusive gesture it is.  (Though, I'm sure in his mind, he is doing something awesome.)  What upsets me is the lack of support and the fact that he pulls these moves and everyone oohs and ahhhs about how great he is.  I hope his "charms" dont influence the judge or others in our case.  I've already seen my own attorney be sympathetic toward him. 
For the record, I do pity him, but I'm talking about how by pushing through the divorce, I'm somehow the ungrateful, cold-hearted one who doesnt immediately melt when I get a bunch of flowers. 

[Starboard Song]

It is maddening to not see eye-to-eye in the first place. It is more so when you are made to feel like the bad guy. He apparently wants to dissuade you from divorce, and -- sadly -- gifts and cards are exactly how healthy people make an overture.

So you are right: people who don't understand PDs -- which is most people -- are unlikely to understand. Don't let that bother you. You know what you know. You will confidently, and with great humility, explain that while the flowers were a nice gesture, it is simply not possible to proceed in this marriage, and you appreciate their understanding and support.

You need not persuade anyone, only to inform them.

I know it won't feel that easy, but functionally that's the whole game. And I know the judge can be a different matter, where you need to present a clear story. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Prototypian]

I feel for you and to be honest, from what I know of PD's with control being lost, I understand (I don't sympathize) what is probably driving him: he is pulling out the manipulations from his bag that may have worked to re establish control in the past.   If the flowers don't work expect something else and it could be a list of tactics and some could repeat. 

I support you emotionally from a distance on this forum and I can say that you're strong enough to not comment on the flowers because it's not an emotional gift, the display is simply a tactic.

You're strong!

[CagedBirdSinging]

I actually hate bunches of flowers at this point. Okay, well maybe a bunch of daffodils from my kids, delivered with big hugs and toddler giggles is lovely. But I will never, ever enjoy receiving flowers from a man, EVER again.

The number of times stbxpdH has put me through the worst torrent of verbal abuse in the evening... gone to bed without making up... given me silent treatment for days... then returned home one day with flowers. He will just hand them to me, without even a comment. No 'sorry,' nothing. The flowers are meant to talk apparently.

My ex is doing the same - painting me as The Bad Woman who is destroying the family. I have no advice, because I wouldn't say I'm managing terribly well, but just sending you vibes of solidarity. It is head wrecking. 

[SeaBreeze]

Ugh. I am sorry you are dealing with this. You know the truth behind those flowers, and though they may try, no one can ever take the truth from *you*.

I complained my first PD husband never gave me flowers. But thanks to current PD spouse, I hate flowers, chocolate (from him; I still like chocolate itself!) Or any other empty gesture on his part because I see it for the manipulation that it is.

Slightly OT but the longest ST that current uNPDh ever subjected me to lasted *2 months*. Desperate, I finally broke his silence by sending *him* flowers, at his work. He called, embarrassed, and said please don't do that again, women aren't supposed to send men flowers at work. In retrospect, he may have had a girlfriend at work. And in retrospect, I should have sent him divorce papers, not flowers!

[blunk]

I remember feeling icky whenever my bpdxh would make any kind of gesture like that. It either meant that he was trying to "make up" for whatever terrible thing he had done (don't even want to think about the other ways he would try to "make up"), or that he wanted something from me.

I remember thinking, just once I would like to receive a gift because it would make me feel good, or because he saw something and knew I would like it. I am so lucky to now have that with my DH.

[PAY]

Amazing. The same thing just happened to me. It was the 21.5 year anniversary of our wedding. Much bigger and more expensive arrangement than I received while we were married, and yes, yesterday he was just complaining about not having any money.
Every time I come on here, someone tells my story. AND you again, pull me Out of the FOG. I can still get hoovered so easily. Getting better. Thanks for your vent. So timely.

[Bunnyme]

I also got a necklace and today, a box of chocolates.  I really dont like flowers.  Never have.  A plant? A succulent?  Yes.  A bouquet of daisies from the grocery store?  Sure.  Big bouquets are such a waste.  The chocolates are passion fruit and rose flavor, and things like that.  Gimme a bag of gummy bears any day.  He knows this.  My point is not to sound ungrateful, but that, even in his hoovering, he gives me things that he thinks I should want, rather than things I actually like.  Pay your freaking child support.  THAT would be a gesture. 

[pushit]

It's really amazing the tactics they use, and how we can all tell a similar story. 

Sadly, I'm dealing with a hoovering event as well.  I'm sure some of you have read my recent drama over my ex's psych hold and subsequent return to 50/50 parenting as if nothing happened.  Well, the story remains interesting. 

Yesterday she called me.  I didn't pick up, she left a voicemail about how she didn't think she could handle having the kids for the night and maybe I should get them from school.  So, I called her back to discuss.  (Usually it's written communication only, but this seemed emergency level)  We spoke for a couple minutes and agreed I should get the kids from school if she needed a night off, and I suggested she speak with a therapist since she was stressed out.  Two hours later she calls again, I didn't pick up because I was in a meeting.  She left a VM that her family is coming over to help with the kids, and she wants to pick the kids up.  That's fine, it's her parenting night after all.  However, on the VM she was super cheery and went on about how much she misses talking to me and wishes things were better between us.  Ummm......we're less than a month out from her lying under oath about multiple things.  I can count 4-5 different stories she has spun to me, the court, the kids, her family, etc about the hold and why she lost her job.  LOL, like Bunnyme wrote regarding child support.....being honest at least once would be a nice gesture towards improving our co-parenting.

Something dawned on me a few hours later.  My ex is truly having trouble with managing life as a single parent, she is in a downward spiral right now.  Yesterday's VM was not the first time she has "sweetened up" lately.  The reality that dawned on me was that she is attempting to sucker me back into being the caretaker, that she somehow thinks there is a possibility that I would swoop back in and be the one that solves her problems again.  Never gonna happen.  I texted her back and said "it's your parenting night, if you want the kids with you that is your choice to make".

I think it's wise to always remember that when a PD plays the hoovering game they just want something for themselves, they aren't interested in making things better for everyone involved.  They don't truly want to reconcile, they just want to be back in control because that is the only place they are comfortable.

[Free2Bme]

I'm sorry Bunnyme,

My take on this is that is was so manipulative, a set up.  The flowers were primarily for all who were watching, your son, co-workers, etc.  I would be infuriated to receive this when he's not paying child support.

Not sure if yours is like mine, but it was like a challenge/bait when he did these kind of things,  like,  "I dare you to call BS on me, if you do I'll smear you to everyone and play the victim".   

I grew to hate flowers, unless they were wildflowers from the sweet, chubby hands of my children brought to mommy with love.

[Fae Greenwood]

I grew to hate flowers, unless they were wildflowers from the sweet, chubby hands of my children brought to mommy with love.

This. The hovering is missing the love.

[ToAudrey]

Ugh how beyond frustrating to have people on the call thinking oooo how sweet and thoughtful when you know otherwise!

I hear you and totally get it like the rest on the thread. This freaking upside down world where so many others just see the fake charm and don't get what is really going on.