'love is finite'

[losingmyself]

I was listening to a podcast a while ago, and the person was talking about PD people, and they said that PD's think that love is finite. A person only has so much love to give.
I don't know why but this thought popped into my head this morning, like I just got it, it just sunk in. I'm kind of slow....
I remember a conversation I had a loooong time ago with H about just this subject. I said that I loved DS with all my heart. That brought the conclusion to him that I don't love DD, or him, or anyone else, because if I love DS with all my heart, then that's all there is. We went round and round with our differing opinions, and left it at that.
So that, in my situation, is part of H's jealousy issues. I only have so much love to give, and he wants all of it.
Huh....interesting.
I can't change his mind or make him think differently, I can't prove to him that love is infinite, I can love many people, one just as much as the other.
I just don't know what to do. I can't make him not be jealous. He believes in his mind that I'm a cheater, because he believes that people can't be trusted. I can't change how someone believes.
I just think that I don't want to thought of like that any more. I don't deserve it. He believes that I lie, cheat, steal, talk behind his back, plan nefarious things when he can't hear me. Anything bad you can think of a person, that's who he thinks I am. And I don't deserve it.
Then he love bombs... "I hope I treat you better than your last H"  WTF to say to that, while in the car??
Anyway. I just wanted to share that.
The first part... the last was just rambling.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds like your H is being very unfair on you. I used to also get berated all the time by (stbx)pdH. I was accused of having no empathy, not caring about him.. etc. I could never give him enough attention. No matter how much I gave, it wasnt enough.

Things were ok(ish) before we had kids. But then when my eldest was born, I noticed he seemed JEALOUS of my love for my newborn. I also started to pick up that he was jealous of my love for family and friends, and he began to work at undermining all my relationships. All this just seemed insane...

Until, during a very rare HONEST conversation with his mother, she admitted this: "all his life he has been the same, since he was a young child: he can only get along with one person at a time. He only likes one person at a time. And if you're that person, you have to be totally selfless. It can be very lonely.'

Shortly after this conversation he was diagnosed as NPD/BPD/OCDPD by a psychiatrist.

I think this is maybe relevant to what you were saying. My (stbx)pdH can only love one person at a time, and so he presumes others function in the same way. When of course this is ridiculous. We can love many people in our lives, simultaneously. When I had my second child, the love did not halve: it DOUBLED! Which brings up another issue- we have 2 kids. He can only really love one at a time. It is very obvious who he favours. All I can do is surround the other child with as much love as possible, from me and her extended family, who are now welcomed back into our lives, now that we are free from pdH and this illogical thinking.

Stay strong, and keep reminding yourself that his version of you is not real. You know who you really are, and you are capable of more love and compassion than he could ever imagine.
Take care x

[losingmyself]

thank you, cagedbird, your words made me cry. They're so true, when I had my 2nd, I couldn't believe the love. I had never been so in love with anyone in my life than I was with them.
The idea that he can only love one person at a time is fascinating, and I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. And he can't understand how people -I- can love more than one person.
I am lucky in that he doesn't  really keep me from my family, but he is opinionated and seems to judge them a lot. The thing is that he doesn't let me be alone with any of them, and gets jealous if I speak on the phone with them, because he can't be a part of it. He has to be the center of attention, you know. And I might spill the beans about his behavior so I can't be left alone with anyone.
One story. At the same time that my mother died and DD was in the hospital, I spoke with one of my sisters who is a psychiatrist, told her what was going on. Not a lot, but some and H figured I would point the blame at him (rightfully) so he didn't really  want me to talk to her. She called one very cold night, and H got his coat and overalls on, and went and sat in the garage with no lights on. Just sat in the dark and cold. Pouted like a child.
When he came back in, I asked why he did that and I got a lecture about how I have people to talk to and he has no one, and waaa waaa, I don't remember exactly what he said, but I was so in the FOG that it guilted me into not speaking with anyone for a long time. And I still haven't told anyone what I was going through, aside from here. It occurred to me, who's fault is it that he has no friends?
Common denominator??
I brought kids into the relationship, so I think him being nice to them and giving them everything they wanted in the beginning was very much part of the love bombing, but the jealousy was hard for him to hide. And he does only really talk to one of my kids. DD can't ever show him enough gratitude, so she's all bad. But she has had enough of him, so she's vlc with him. And that's fine with me.
Thanks again cagedbird, for your kind words.

[SparkStillLit]

YEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!! I am forever snapping at updh "Love is not a finite resource!!!!!!!" , because he behaves as though it is.
He cannot seem to comprehend that I have room in my heart to love my friends, and my children, and my horrible family, and him, and many other people! If I say that I do, I am either lying or cheating, or depriving him of love. He also can't grasp that there are different sorts of love. I must "love" all males in the same manner that I love him, therefore I am not allowed male friends or it's cheating. I cannot possibly "love" all my female friends, therefore I am lying or depriving him, or providing him with sex fantasy fodder that grosses me out (I've nothing against other peoples' preferences. What grosses me out is him using myself and my friends like that. He has no right to tell me this crap and try to force my participation.)
It's MIND BOGGLING. And always ends in me shouting that about love not being a finite resource, and not being something you hoard.

[Lauren17]

This is an interesting theory.
I remember many years ago, uBPDMIL told me about dogs they had early in their marriage and how much she loved them. After she had her first daughter, she said she couldn't stand to look at or pet the dogs. She pushed them away and started keeping them outside. I remember thinking how strange it was that she couldn't love both the dog and the baby.
I see that in how she treats my children.
UBPDh does the same to a lesser extent. The oldest daughter is the focus for both of them and youngest is largely forgotten by both dad and grandma.
This is something to think on.

Spark, I have the same jealousy issue with my husband. He's convinced that men and women can't be friends. I went on a hike with a coworker last summer and he accused me of going on a date. (Sigh)

[losingmyself]

Yes, Spark, his jealousy is THROUGHT THE ROOF. He thinks that I'm cheating on him with everyone. Last weekend we bought something, and it came up in conversation with a ""gasp""
male coworker and he  said that he might be interested in buying it. So, I had to do what I never do and tell H that I spoke to this male person. The jealousy was obvious and tiring.
Kind of hope he doesn't want it so I don't have to tell H that I spoke with him again. I've only worked here for almost 9 years. I talk to people. WHA..????
Thank goodness the cat likes him more than me.....

[SparkStillLit]

Oh he's jealous of my cat. The cat thinks I hung the moon and stars, and WILL NOT have a thing to do with updh. Updh plays it off like a joke, but he's jealous of that cat.
He was also weird about the animals after the children came, and often accused me of "putting animals before people". No, not at all. I'm not going to discard any helpless being we committed to, just because we had children!!! My heart is plenty big enough, and hello, ethics????

[BeautifulCrazy]

Wow.
Reading this was huge for me today.
My uPDh was jealous to such an extreme. I could never understand. At times I thought he might have a guilty conscience, or maybe somewhere inside he wished he did, but I don't truly believe he had the social skills to develop ANY intimate relationships. In all the years I knew him, he had three... sort of... acquaintances? but absolutely no friends. No close ties to family. Even his children had limited contact. He had only one other romantic relationship of note. His first wife, mother of his children. She left him. He claims she cheated on him. Of course, he says that about me too and I know how rediculous claim that is!
But it wasn't just romantic jealousy. It was everyone. Anyone!!

The idea of only being able to love (or even feel positively toward) one person at a time explains so much. When I learned about splitting black/ white, I thought that explanation fit, but this covers so much more.
SparkStillLit, losingmyself, Caged, Lauren, all of you describe things that are very familiar to me.

I mean, this even fits some weird, formerly unexplainable stuff like the comment he made at my best friend's funeral. I finished my eulogy and as I sat back down, he loudly said, "95% of the people in this room think you guys were sleeping together now!"
Everyone in earshot went WHAAAAAT???  and it even prompted my very reserved mum to shush him, saying, "That's rediculous! Be quiet!"

My oldest brought up this phenomenon in family therapy too... he noted that his stepdad "always had a favorite of the moment" and "everyone else was just shit to him, even mum".

I'm so sorry losingmyself!  My heart aches for you when I read the second half of your original post. I lived in that space such a long time... with someone who believed all manner of horrible things about me and no matter what I did or said, I could never prove otherwise. It hurts. Sometimes I wondered if I even was the person I thought I was... how could I be coming across so badly? And if I had always been so darned awful, why did he go to so much trouble to get me back?
I'm so relieved to be out of it now.

[Associate of Daniel]

This is a light bulb thing for me as well. And I wonder if it explains my uNPD exH's inability to receive love.

To quote someone from these boards a number of years ago (sorry - I can't remember who it was), I loved my uNPD exH as much as he would let me love him.

I had so much more to give but he was incapable of receiving it.

Maybe he thinks love is finite as well.

Food for thought.

OAD

[Boat Babe]

My mother very much thinks that love is a finite resource.  She has said as much. Consequently, she has had very little in her life. Really sad.