Buying you sweets when you are trying to lose weight

[Hattie]

I did 5 cycles of fertility treatment last year, which along with lockdown, meant that I put on quite a bit of weight. I have been trying to lose it over the last few months but it is quite difficult (I think the hormones from the treatment have changed my body somewhat).

I told my mum about my weight loss efforts but she bought me loads of chocolate, sweets, biscuits etc for Xmas. Now Easter is coming and she is planning to send me two massive deliveries of chocolate. The first is on its way, so I told her not to send the second. She got stroppy when I told her.

It is so annoying that she is ignoring my preferences! She wants me to act grateful for these gifts that I don't even want!

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH would do stuff like this all the time. I acknowledge that I'm in control of what I put in my mouth but he knew these were hard for me to resist and instead I'd supporting me he sabotaged me. He'd really make me feel guilty so I'd eat/drink what he bought. I see now that he had to out of his way to bring these things in to the house. It would have been easier to support me.

I'd come home and he'd have ordered my favorite takeout or got my favorite sweet. Then make a big deal of all the trouble he went to for me. If I stood my ground he'd get upset and make me feel ungrateful.

It's classic manipulation and abuse. I'd not even bring the baskets in to your home. Put it in the rubbish or find a neighbor to take it.

I'm sorry that you aren't being supported in this.

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry! One Christmas Nmom got me a bread machine, after I'd lost a bunch of weight abstaining from bread.  😳 

Perhaps a nursing home or other facility could put the chocolates to good use. 😊

[Andeza]

Personally I love the idea of taking this ill-conceived "present" and turning it around to do good for someone else. Like Amadahy suggested, donating it to a nursing home or maybe a shelter or soup kitchen even? And I've never had a neighbor turn down sweets when offered. I feel like that completely undermines the original intent, to cause harm, and fixes it. Of course, you don't have to do anything more than trash items of temptation. There's no further action required, so don't feel obligated to do anything more than just that.

As for your mother getting in a snit, as we say, that's her problem. You are well within your rights to request that she simply not. How she responds to that request is up to her, and frankly, her actions are childish at best and straight sabotage at worst. And you don't have to fake being happy about something you don't want. She'll get over it. Or not. Up to her.

I wish you the best in your journey, both weight and fertility. Neither are easy things to handle.

[Cat of the Canals]

My unPD mil used to do this all the time. My husband would tell her we weren't eating sugar, and she'd show up with a gigantic bag of leftover candy from some church thing she did. We'd tell her we weren't going to eat it, and she'd just ignore us and refuse to take it back.

I guess it sort of makes sense. Watching what we eat is setting a boundary for ourselves in a way. And we know how they feel about boundaries.

[Andeza]

Watching what we eat is setting a boundary for ourselves in a way. And we know how they feel about boundaries.

They like to throw them on the ground, jump up and down on them until they're satisfied we've learned our lesson, and then triumphantly storm out just as fast as they stormed in. Meanwhile we just put up MORE boundaries.

[Cat of the Canals]

Exactly, Andeza!

[Happypants]

In my teens and early twenties I had lost weight after being overweight from adolescence.  There was a "skinny b**ch" comment from my mother as I'd stayed slim despite her constantly buying my favourite foods (definitely, very specifically, my favourites).  She knew I'd eat it out of guilt as a waste of food and money - these were items nobody else in the house ate.  Little did she know that over the course of five years i binged/purged, went days without food, took laxatives, etc to stay slim (probably more about wanting to feel autonomy).  I still questioned myself - a mother wouldn't sabotage her daughter    Well, after smoking for 15 years, i quit, and guess what happened - she would leave a packet in my room/car/hand "just in case" (she was a smoker).  I brought up the health aspect but still she didn't stop trying to push me and would still offer many weeks after my last cigarette.  That was a major red flag.  In hindsight, I should just have pointed out that i would probably gain weight if i stopped smoking 

I'm so sorry - that's a difficult position to be in, but only as long as you allow guilt to stay in the driving seat.  And really, what do you have to feel guilty about?  Trying to improve your health?  There is no debate here if she is sabotaging your health, even if you manage to convince yourself that it's unintentional (which it certainly doesn't seem to be).  As others have suggested, put the "gift" to good use whether you choose to tell her or not x

[Call Me Cordelia]

For a long time we were cutting out dairy for one of our kids. My parents insisted on ordering pizza every dang time we visited.  So we stopped visiting them for meals.

We had a thread on food allergies awhile back, but my PD grandmother kept trying to sneak my mother something she was deathly allergic to, because she had determined mom was exaggerating and she was going to prove it. This went on for years, to the point where my mother would eat nothing in her house and wouldn’t let her in our kitchen.

I think you are right, Cat and Andeza. How dare we set any boundaries for ourselves that are different from theirs? My parents took the dairy thing as a personal judgment somehow.

[Sneezy]

There is so much emotion and drama around food.  It's surprising in a way, because food should simply be about fueling our bodies.  But it's so much more than that.

Both my mother and my MIL used to try to guilt me (and others) into eating things we didn't want.  A classic manipulation technique would be to say something like "someone has to eat this last cookie, I can't throw it away."  Then I read something that really put this into perspective for me.  When someone says that it's better for you to eat the last of something, rather than throwing it away, they are showing more respect for the trash bin than for you.  Think about it.  They are saying that it's better that you eat something that you don't want than it go into the trash.  Your body is worth less to them than the trash bin.  That was a lightbulb moment for me.  Now, what I think a PD is *really* saying is that the guilt-induced anxiety that they feel by throwing something away outweighs my discomfort in eating something I don't want to eat.  But I have turned this around and used it on both my mother and my MIL.  When they try to get me to eat something I don't want, because otherwise they have to throw it away, I will straight out say "oh, so my body is a garbage can, and you would rather I eat something than it go into your kitchen trash?"  That usually stops that kind of manipulation.

I have no sympathy for people who use food to manipulate.  I spent too many years as a kid being teased for my weight and now that I am an adult and (relatively) healthy, I am the only one who chooses what, when, and where I eat.  Period, full stop!

[Lisa]

I find this thread so interesting to read through.  I can now see that my Mom's disordered eating is a part of her PD, as well as her comments to me about my body and food.
She's always been a walking contradiction.  As a young teen and young adult spending time with her I felt like I had to join in her binge eating, if I didn't want to buy junk food she would mock me and take a weird victim stance at having to eat it alone.  Then when I would eat the junk food she would tell me she was worried about how much junk food I eat.  She would make comments like "those candies are cancer sticks" and "you're one snack away from diabetes".  Then if I ate something healthy she'd say "oh you're no fun" or make some sarcastic comment about healthy food or become worried about how skinny I am.
She always comments about my body...loosing or putting on weight when I've never really varied more than 10 pounds up or down since a teen.
Another aspect is I've been vegetarian for 17 years and when I visit family they still won't have a meal available for me to eat, they tell me just to pick the meat off.

[alphaomega]

I was my mothers drinking buddy until I realized how perverted that was.

Whenever I would try to get sober, she would rant and rave and lament about "are you REALLY never having another drink AGAIN ??"

Knowing full well I was killing myself.  But that didnt matter.  All that mattered was she got what she wanted when she wanted it.

She sabotaged my efforts at every turn.  Not to mention, my drinking around her made her FAR more "tolerable" when I was wasted....

I cant explain enough how very happy I am that she is gone forever....

[Boat Babe]

Alphaomega. Your mother was happy to see you drink yourself to death. Dear God!

Good on you for getting sober. High Five!

[alphaomega]

Thanks BB ! 

Today I am sober an entire week from nightly rounds of 2 bottles of wine, several (atleast 10) hits of pot, cigarettes and the 2 am xanax to try to mitigate the anxiety from all that abuse.

She cant hurt me anymore. Only I can continue the cycle of abuse. 

It all stops with me.  And it's over.  I'm not a trash bin. 


We deserve better, and to continue to self harm in the hopes of making the monsters go away, is counterproductive to living a purpose driven life.

And none of us can deny, we havent served a very sacred purpose on this earth...