Avoidant Spouse from PD family, History of Family Abuse

[Defiant]

Hi guys, I'm here to vent.

I have been on this forum a while ago for issues related to my NMIL. My spouse and I have been NC (thank goodness) for about 3 years. This site gave me so much information to move away from active abuse. NMIL's stalking has decreased (notes on our cars, following us to work, using his deceased father's social media as a mode of contact (Imagine having to block the person  you're actively mourning?!)  I digress...

These past 3 years I've really had time to sit and look at my actual relationship with my spouse. Without the distraction of a crazed cult consuming our lives. Something is missing, emotionally, from him. He is a survivor of emotional neglect and emotional abuse, and grew up being disconnected from his feelings. I thought this was something that could be worked on in therapy, but he is simply not putting in the effort or time needed to heal from the abuse and lack-of-self. It feels lonely when I am with him, and he seems to have no ability to be creative, come up with his own thoughts, or have motivation to do things unless he is being told. I know that he was groomed this way- his mother raised him to be her mini-husband, and discouraged and invalidated his process of becoming his own person.

He has made a lot of mistakes in our relationship- some forgivable, some not (I may post about this incident another time), and I am realizing that there is so much missing. For example, his emotional responses are very scripted, and there is no emotional understanding. I'd go as far as to say that he lacks genuine empathy and self-awareness, even though he will jump through a lot of hoops to convince me otherwise. It is very odd and forced communication- if any.

I do not believe he is PD, but he has traits of avoidant-attachment and very extreme lack of self. He goes to therapy, but only when I remind him (2x/yearly- he says he "forgets" to go, and will "forget" to do the homework... there has been no lasting progress). I am feeling like he won't recover from his traumas, and I have been on the receiving end of his behaviors. Meanwhile I am growing and moving forward- and it feels like I've done so without him. His relationships with friends are shallow and limited to video games and small-talk, while I put time into deeper and more meaningful connections with my friends and family. I feel guilty for being so unsatisfied in our relationship, because he is a good person, but my mind is having doubts that I will ever be emotionally connected in this relationship. I don't think he wants the same things out of life. 

Does anyone feel this way with a spouse is avoidant-attachment or has history of PD enmeshment/abuse? Any advice or comments are welcome.


Thank you for reading,

-Defiant

[notrightinthehead]

Defiant, I think that is so sad, you putting in all that work and emotions and feeling left alone like that. Obviously you love your h and you have supported him emotionally.  Do you have hope that things will change?
Personally, I found great sadness and ultimately strength when I looked at my h with untainted glasses. I had to admit to myself that I would be unable to make him change and I would never be happy with the way he was. I am not saying this is the path for you.  At this point you might want to collect more information and look at your own behaviours and make adjustments where appropriate.

[Lauren17]

Defiant, you are not alone in this.
My husband's family is a mess. I spent many years trying to understand and bond with his mother. I used to marvel that BIL and SIL had such severe emotional problems, how did H escape?
Once I set and held boundaries with MIL regarding how she treats me and my children, she withdrew and now DD and I are VLC. H still calls and visits his mon regularly.
Like you, that distance from MIL allowed me to really look at H. I don't know if he's BPD or has fleas, or what. I do know that he didn't escape. He has a very avoidant attachment style. Like you've said, he has scripted emotional responses, lately I've seen many of them are pulled from old movies. He has no friends and doesn't participate in any social activities. We went to therapy once and he flat refused to participate.
I've spent the last several years learning, applying the tools, and working on myself. As I've done that, H has withdrawn more and more. It's very difficult. 
Please keep sharing. It really does help.

[tragedy or hope]

D,
This describes my unpdh. You did a wonderful job of enumerating the issues .Yes it is very lonely. It is like living with a shell of a person. He prides himself on doing things for me because there is nothing to give from the inside. Conversations are very indifferent about subjects I could care less about. Just like his father who strongly  contributed to this mess.

Sadly, they do not change.

As they get older, they get more like the sick parent. When I point it out he denies it., He cannot stop connecting with the bad parent. When he is done talking it is as if he has had his dose of madness for the day. The sister is the same way.. Both are ill and I do not begrudge him that but it does him only harm to talk with them. Or should I say in the long run... it does me harm. I can't stop it, so I find ways to live around it.

I do not speak to my in-laws unless I have to actually see them which is about every 10 years. Now that we live closer it has been 5.

I get out of the house when they are on the phone with him. I can't stand to hear the conversation on my end.

I had a family with problems too, but I did not turn out unable to feel or empathize. In fact, I am one of three who is somewhat normal in that area. This is how they pick their partners. No one else would have them.

It is a very long life. If you are younger, you may want to really consider the consequences to your own soul. I see I have been so limited because they are very time consuming.

They don't want to change. The world and every one in it is imperfect, except for them.

For the rest of your life you will have to adapt to survive. And I mean survive not live. Do you want that for yourself?

I was too weak and dependent to get out or away. I don't think there are many people who will agree that these people change. It is too horrifying to them to look at their own emptiness.

I hope the best for you and the personal strength to make the best decision.





-

[Defiant]

Defiant, I think that is so sad, you putting in all that work and emotions and feeling left alone like that. Obviously you love your h and you have supported him emotionally.  Do you have hope that things will change?
Personally, I found great sadness and ultimately strength when I looked at my h with untainted glasses. I had to admit to myself that I would be unable to make him change and I would never be happy with the way he was. I am not saying this is the path for you.  At this point you might want to collect more information and look at your own behaviours and make adjustments where appropriate.

That's true, I cannot make him change. And I don't think he will make me happy as he currently is.
I spent the past 2 years learning how to make my own happiness, so I am rather fulfilled outside of my relationship. I have a strong professional identity and am pursuing my dreams in school and career. I will continue to make adjustments- since I feel myself backsliding due to the yearning for intimate connection.

[Defiant]

Defiant, you are not alone in this.
My husband's family is a mess. I spent many years trying to understand and bond with his mother. I used to marvel that BIL and SIL had such severe emotional problems, how did H escape?
Once I set and held boundaries with MIL regarding how she treats me and my children, she withdrew and now DD and I are VLC. H still calls and visits his mon regularly.
Like you, that distance from MIL allowed me to really look at H. I don't know if he's BPD or has fleas, or what. I do know that he didn't escape. He has a very avoidant attachment style. Like you've said, he has scripted emotional responses, lately I've seen many of them are pulled from old movies. He has no friends and doesn't participate in any social activities. We went to therapy once and he flat refused to participate.
I've spent the last several years learning, applying the tools, and working on myself. As I've done that, H has withdrawn more and more. It's very difficult. 
Please keep sharing. It really does help.

I can relate to feeling like "how did H escape" when BIL and SIL have severe issues!  Yes! I thought H was very well adjusted considering his history- little did I realize that he fell into the most severe attachment style (avoidant, because it fairs the worst when paired with a secure attachment)
In therapy he makes little to no progress, because he doesn't apply anything during "pivotal moments," (the moment of choice- what therapy/growth has prepared you for in making a different decision) and will continue to do the same thing. He knows he is making choices against his therapist's advice, but tells me that in those moments his ego believes with "100% certainty that this one moment is the exception" each and every time. We've even started talking about his ego as if it is a separate person, which has led him to getting screening for Dissociative Personality Disorder (Split personality). It is unclear if he has wilfull amnesia or genuine at this time, because he is a habitual (and self-identifying) liar when it comes to defending himself.

He seems to think that he is meeting therapy goals based on avoiding MORE, defending MORE, disassociating MORE. He works in psych (we both do) and he knows better- but he still does this and "doesn't know why". The person sitting in therapy is him in defense/pretend mode, and he is able to converse with the therapist like a "pal" because they are both in the same field and "know what patients are like"- (this led to issues in marriage therapy in the past, and worsened abuse, mainly gaslighting)

I am moving forward with my own self. It is just difficult when he attempts to convince me he is making progress, admitting his faults, journaling, reading the first chapter in a new "promising" self-help book, being truthful- because ideally that is a good sign, right? He does everything "right," it just doesn't lead to lasting change. 

[Lauren17]

I once mentioned "how did he escape" to a friend. She said something along the lines of. "He didn't. He only does as well as he does because of you, pulling him along" I was still deep in the FOG then and the comment didn't really register.
I've since stopped pulling him along. I don't ask him to seek therapy. I don't insist he share his feelings or demand communication anymore. If I ask how he's doing the the day after the dog died and he says "ok", I accept that answer. 
My friend was right. He has withdrawn more and more.
It sounds like your H's therapy is allowing him to further cement his dysfunctional belief system that disassociation is the best way to cope. That must be very frustrating for you to witness, especially having a background in psych.
I have to keep reminding myself, "I can't fix him. That's his responsibility."

[1footouttadefog]

Regardless of the diagnoses or a lack thereof, you get to choose if things are working for you.

You can decide to live with needs not met or to meet them elsewhere.  Is it possible to accept him as is with no change, while getting needs he cannot meet elsewhere.

Can you decide not to meet those needs and accept living with him as is.

Is it possible this no longer works for you and it's time for a change.

You get to decide these things regardless of how much therapy, homework etc.

These are hard things to contemplate, take your time and take care of you. I hope you find the clarity you need to find your path forward.