Six-ish weeks NC - why the heck am I mad???

[moglow]

This week out of nowhere, I'm mad for no apparent reason! It's like it's all fresh and there's just been another fruitless conversation with mommie dearest. Why??? Riddle me this, batman - is it because I'm pretty damn sure she's not even attempted to contact me and I'm so easily kicked aside? Is it because I wasted my whole damn life trying to get that woman's attention/approval/concern only to find it's all for nothing?? OR is it because I honestly believe at this point, I was set up. I don't think for one minute she has wanted anything to do with me for ... decades, maybe. I was a convenience, the scapegoat, a sounding board when I was willing to sit still for it, the all too willing target for her rages and tantrums.

Everything points to the last one - that she pushed and pushed to see how far I'd go, see if she could finally break me and come out looking like a poor old lonely widder woman whose whole family has kicked her aside. On the surface, she got that one. Those few who actually know her, know better. I know: It doesn't matter what other people think. My brain today, it's thinking like all those other people think. All I see is that I'm the horrible awful she's always said I am. How the hell do I turn this off??

[Andeza]

Not much for it Moglow. Six weeks? Mmmm, sounds familiar. Sounds about right to start getting hit with the emotions you held in check in order to maintain the relationship for as long as you did. Which, by the way, you're a stronger person than I am! She'll spin it however she wants, regardless of your actions, but you know that. It's up to others to decide what they believe. The best thing you can do for yourself is... not care. Which probably sounds weird given that we were brainwashed into caring what other people think as simply another way to control us. I remember uBPDm saying things like "What will people think!?" They'll think what they want to. I don't care. Might have to say that out loud to yourself. It can really help! 

I know right now you're angry, Moglow. But you may have other crappy emotions headed your way before it starts to feel better. So, take it easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up about stuff. It's not your fault after all. But, once you've waded through the pent up stuff that's still sitting in little undigested pockets from over the years, you will start to feel better. More free. Any time you worry about what she's saying to others about you, or what scheme she's cooking up, try to focus on your freedom. It will become much more valuable to you as time passes.

For what it's worth, I doubt you were set up. I think she really, truly believed that she could just abuse you relentlessly until they hammered the last nail in her coffin and you would just take it because "FaMiLy!!!"

[moglow]

Andeza, there's not much of "anyone" left for her to grouse to who's not already a recipient of the same, but I know her mind. I'm the horrible awful for abandoning my "poor old mother," even though I'm clearly not her friend/she's not mine and never have been. There's been no motherly behavior or even compassion in my direction for ... I honestly don't know how long. This past year has been so hard on all of us on varying levels, with lots of personal struggles, but she knows none of it. Why? Because she has shown no interest, hasn't asked. Yet she tells me I don't care about her? This is the monster she built through decades of abuse, but I know she doesn't see it that way. Anyone who knows me/her wonders why and how I held on this long, no one else really has a clue.

And you're right:

I think she really, truly believed that she could just abuse you relentlessly until they hammered the last nail in her coffin and you would just take it because "FaMiLy!!!"

She's as much as said it to at least one of my brothers, that she's the mother and we don't have a choice but to take what she dishes and like it. She's going to do it anyway because apparently that's a right conveyed with the title. She really thought I'd roll over with it because I always have. Heck, *I* thought I'd just keep on, because that's what I know.

Trying to get a grip on this. I was in angry tears last night, just the frustration of it all and knowing that I truly don't matter to her on any level. And it took me to almost 60 to admit this to myself. 

[Boat Babe]

Hey Moglow, sending you buckets of love as you navigate this painful moment.

I am always astonished that the children of such damaging people can turn out so wonderfully. You are a beacon of compassion and wisdom on this forum Moglow, in spite of your mother's spite. We are all holding you in our hearts right now.

[Andeza]

Indeed, we are all with you here. And I know you know this too, but you're NOT horrible, and you're NOT awful. WE at least value you and what you add to our lives, and in turn, we offer back some of that goodness. 

[SparkStillLit]

You ARE a good person, and a delight on here. Somebody said it elsewhere to another, but you've every right to be mad! So perhaps you too could smash it out with a foam bat on the couch. Or go yell bad stuff in the forest.

I was just saying this to friends, but the smoothness of the mashed potatoes has always been a gauge of how pissed I am with the family, as I mash by hand. The kids know this, and they would silently take their creamy mashed and quietly eat them and not bother me 😬😬

[KeepingMyBlue]

Moglow,

big hugs
I'm fighting this now, but I think we all have been there. My cat woke me up screaming, which probably was the trigger for another weird dream, and all I want to do is violence to my sweet kitty... So he's in the crate while I come on here and see that I'm not alone, so thanks for your post! It is a big hug to me.

Someone told me to feel all the feelings and don't judge yourself (as much as you can.)  You need to sort out a lot of stuff, and it's too overwhelming to even analyze some days. Just find safe ways to keep breathing another day, and deal with tiny bits at a time when you can.

We are all here cheering you on. 



Blue

[moglow]

It's grief, y'all. All of a sudden the five stages of grief popped into my head and that's probably as close to anything else going on - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I'm well past any bargaining by now and I suppose claiming denial is just plain silly. So I'm bouncing between the others, anger that I've wasted so much of my life in denial, the ever present depression. Hoping to find acceptance sooner rather than later.

[xredshoesx]

thinking of you today dear glow

[lightworld]

Yes you've figured it out Moglow - grief for the mother you didn't have, the love you didn't get, the pain you went through all those years. All that would make anyone mad and sad. I've found that as NC goes on, all sorts of stuff rears it's ugly head. As my T said to me years ago, well before I had the courage for NC" They've done a real number on you". 

IMHO it's the hardest thing to truly get it into your heart that they can never love, respect or even consider us.

I hope you can get through this to the 'acceptance ' stage. I haven't got there yet either. Wishing you strength and sending you hugs.