They don't give me honesty and integrity etc. so why should I?

[sambellscoup]

Half my FOO have various forms of PDs. It's a nightmare dealing with them. But I used to try to be honest and "good" and wholesome in how I dealt with them, and all it brought me was more misery, because the more they know about me, the more they want to use these things against me.

So... why bother? If they deal with me in stupid games to try get supply from me, I'm going to turn some of those tactics on them to keep myself safe from them. And honestly, it works so much better than trying to be the goodie two-shoes who just gets trampled on.

The thing is, they don't actually care, deep down. They don't even go deep into their own thoughts or feelings. They'll either lose interest for extended periods because I'm not a good source of supply, or they'll get bored and come back vying for more no matter how angry they claimed to be when I successfully wriggled out of dealing with them previously.

I just don't care any more. They don't care, so I don't care. So I treat them one way, and other people another way, and it works for me. Sometimes in life, you really do have to treat some people very differently from others, and that doesn't make you a bad person.

I do so wish it could be different, but they're in so deep in their disorders, they'll never come out. I used to put such pressure on myself to be perfectly "good" and do things the "right" way with people out of fear of the repercussions if I didn't. But eventually I noticed they weren't holding themselves to these high standards.

So now, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to protect myself. At least I can sleep easy knowing that I don't abuse and maliciously manipulate other people to get through my days.

[square]

Welcome!

You SHOULD do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

The thing is, playing their games against them doesn't work. It just escalates things. And there is a cost to you.

There is another way. Read around this forum and check out the Toolbox.

The goal is not to fight fire with fire, but to disengage. Not because of any hippie-dippy reason, but to protect *you* the best, take away their ammo, and let them play their childish games *without you*. You have better things to do.

[sambellscoup]

Actually I realise I wrongly described what I do, come to think of it. It feels like games to me, but what I actually do is constantly go into to de-escalate mode in every interaction, and aim to get out of there asap. This feels like a bit if a manipulation game because in a sense, it kind of is, only it's not hurtful towards the other person, just protective towards myself, if that makes sense... It feels like silly games sometimes because I simply don't have to jump through these kinds of mental hoops to deal with other people. So with non PD people, perhaps it would be mind games.

Thanks for replying, I'm trying to sort my head out with all of this stuff and it's hard to word it well sometimes!

[square]

Maybe you're already doing some or most of the things in the Toolbox, but it's worth staying and reading around. You might find more tools, or learn a way to improve what you have. Some people here, like the late great Woman Interrupted, are heavyweight champions at this stuff.

[sambellscoup]

Yeah, I'll stick around for sure and have a good rummage through the toolbox! Thanks. I need a place to grow into this boundary-keeping, self-caring life a bit more! I'm a bit blindsided by my sister, she never bothered me greatly before but she's really going off the deep end this past year or so and I'm taken aback that I now have another PD family member to deal with. I hadn't had to use much of the tools I'd built up so far and now here I am again, only this time I actually joined the forum for a little extra support.

[Cat of the Canals]

Actually I realise I wrongly described what I do, come to think of it. It feels like games to me, but what I actually do is constantly go into to de-escalate mode in every interaction, and aim to get out of there asap. This feels like a bit if a manipulation game because in a sense, it kind of is, only it's not hurtful towards the other person, just protective towards myself, if that makes sense... It feels like silly games sometimes because I simply don't have to jump through these kinds of mental hoops to deal with other people. So with non PD people, perhaps it would be mind games.

I had a similar realization. I've always felt closed off and distant from my unPD mom. Part of it was feeling a distance in her, but I quite intentionally hid sensitive things from her, told white lies to conceal truths I knew would set her off, etc. And I felt weird about it, because I'm generally an honest and open person. Only finding this forum did I realize that I was subconsciously using Gray Rock and Medium Chill tactics to protect myself, and I'd been doing so since a very young age. Realizing that made it possible to let go of a lot of old guilt.

[SparkStillLit]

No need to feel guilty about putting PDs on an information diet, either.
I was talking to my T about some stuff and she asked right away if I was giving too much info to updh, and I told her, not in this case. I'm also on the lookout for that, and try to keep it to a minimum. He's a grandmaster information miner.
It was very validating to have someone check in like that, and helps a lot with the Guilt bit.