Kicking Out Spouse

[BefuddledClarity]

Not sure who I should talk to in regards to this?

Basically, my stbx partner is an abusive alcoholic. He's been drinking these past few days and calls me names, says I'm "lazy" and "dirty" despite him hardly ever helping around the house.

He says he "provides" for the family so he shouldn't have to do anything else. Funny thing, I pay for everything at home and make more money AND watch little one with hardly any help from him.

Anyways, I messaged him saying something along the lines of please stop bringing alcohol home and that I understand that he is stressed out, but I left him in the first place for drinking.

He messages me back calling me lazy, dirty, and to basically go fuck myself in a giant paragraph.

After that I replied with "Okay, goodbye then" which made him angry and he messages ANOTHER large paragraph calling me stupid for drinking too (I had only two beers for one of his alcohol binging days). He threatened me and said go ahead and call the cops, the equivalent to child support services will just take our little one away from both of us.


Anyways, how should I proceed? We did have a case open previously to the equivalent of a Child Support Services here in this country, it got closed, he was sober for a couple months, then he goes back to drinking and makes excuses.

The new place is in my name only, we were supposed to go on a 2month break but he somehow convinced me to let him live with me.

He leaves mess everywhere and expects me to clean up after him each time and to do his laundry or he gets angry with me.

He's helped clean only once or twice since this new place and said he'll "never help again" because it always "gets dirty". I mean... We're a family of three? I used to live in a family of six so this is NOTHING compared to that. We cleaned more often.


It just irritates me that he complains about me being lazy despite being the only one cleaning and him causing the mess more than 90% of the time while my son makes the rest of the percentage.

That's life, when you have a child you always clean.


TLDR; Should I speak with the equivalent of the child support services and advised of what my stbx partner is doing/saying? Will they take my child away despite me actively kicking out stbx partner? The person who originally contacted the CPS on my behalf is a rep who helps new parents with resources and teaches about child milestones. I told her, and she told CPS afterwards. They barely just closed the case and told me to contact them anytime if I need anything or for even advice.

Here's previous topics on STBXpartner:
2 Steps Forward & 1 Step Back

Making Progress by Budgeting & Health

Is it worth it?

Tired of Constant Criticism

How's it like with an ACoN spouse/partner?

[ploughthrough2021]

My sister left her alcoholic abusive husband many years ago and she s doing so well now with her new husband.  Hang on in there.

[BefuddledClarity]

My sister left her alcoholic abusive husband many years ago and she s doing so well now with her new husband.  Hang on in there.

This gives me hope and I'm glad she's doing better!

I was nervous that I am making the wrong decision and may fail my son. I want him to grow up with both strong male and female role model(s).  My STBXpartner would tell me that I would "regret it" I'd I kicked him out and told him to leave and "are you sure?".

I'm planning on kicking him out today after the way he talked to me and his continued use of drinking. I don't feel comfortable with it at all...He won't leave though unless I call the cops is what he said and pretty much a "good luck with that if you want our son taken away".

I spoke with the domestic hotline as an online chat earlier in the day and they said something to the effect of "an abuser is an abuser, not because he drinks, but because he wants control." So there's not really anything I can do to help him...even if I offer rehab or alcohol anonymous, it won't change him, because he'll need to want to change...plus he doesn't want to go to rehab or alcohol anon. :-/ We've tried couple's counselling but it felt very one sided, since one of the rules is to not bring up something the other partner doesn't want to discuss,which is his drinking...I think what he needs is something I cannot give(professional therapy).

He grew up with an abusive family and ended up continuing the cycle instead of stopping it. When I mentioned how he grew that way, the domestic hotline said that while abusers may come from an abusive family, it doesn't mean it causes them to be abusers because they chose to be that way---I don't know, thats what they said. I guess that makes sense...I try not to be like how my parents were towards my son.

Ah, I'm rambling. But anyways I appreciate your support. My mind is still scattered and I feel a bit heartbroken right now. I was angry/irritated before, but now a bit melancholy.

[notrightinthehead]

I think you might run a higher risk that cps gets involved if you stay with him, since he seems so unpredictable and abusive. Would you not want to have a safe environment for yourself and your child?
It is quite often that we give our abusive partners second, third, fourth and nth chances. In the women's shelter they had this statistics that on average women leave 7 times before they stay away from their abusive partners.
Also sounds like you chose your partner to be like your family of origin. How can you make sure, you do not repeat this mistake?

[BefuddledClarity]

I think you might run a higher risk that cps gets involved if you stay with him, since he seems so unpredictable and abusive. Would you not want to have a safe environment for yourself and your child?
It is quite often that we give our abusive partners second, third, fourth and nth chances. In the women's shelter they had this statistics that on average women leave 7 times before they stay away from their abusive partners.
Also sounds like you chose your partner to be like your family of origin. How can you make sure, you do not repeat this mistake?

You're right, I have to consider my child first and foremost.

When Iade this post, he came back home and dumped the beer saying "I don't want to fight anymore" and acted all "nice".

Just today he's back to being an asshole.

We had a conversation on the phone earlier in the day and I was excited talking about wanting to buy a house and he shot down the idea saying something to the effect of "you can't always get what you want etc etc". Then when he came home, I let him know the water was off and wont be on in a while and I checked a little while ago. He pedantically asked me "what does a little while ago mean? Why don't you check it now? How do you know it's on?" And kept going on acting rude until I said he's being annoying. Every since I called him annoying he's ignoring me all day and took my car and said "you're annoying me" then I told him he could leave and he said "you can't put that card on me just be sure I did it to you before"....uh...yeah...

He used to threaten to kick me out of the house all the time in last apartment and said it wasn't "fair" I'm kicking him out of new one because only my name is on the lease...that's...weird...