Feeling unsafe and stalked.

[mrsstrezy]

It's been almost 4 years since I've been trying to be vvvvvvLC/NC with my unBPD-stepmom and almost 3 years since I've been trying to be vvvvLC/NC with my unNPD MIL.  I haven't been on this site in quite some time; I decided to do EMDR therapy for myself and it's been amazing.  We still have a ton to work on(I also have emotional neglect from my biological mom and trauma from my dad's death-which we're pretty much finished with), but currently working on the personality disordered people in my life that have wreaked havoc on my mental health. 

My en-FIL was at my house briefly last week, and said "hey, I just wanted to let you know, your stepmom contacted us a couple months ago.  She sent us a card, scolding us for not giving her a card at your dad's funeral, and saying she wanted to work things out."  Now, keep in mind, my dad's funeral was over four years ago.  My stepmom has NEVER been close with my in-laws, hated them actually.. and had pretty much zero relationship with them.  So what there was to "work out" I don't really know.  Apparently unNPD MIL ended up calling her and they had a "wonderful" conversation. Then my FIL says "man, she'd really like to see the kids.  She called us again a month later, asking what your numbers were and saying she wanted to pass some things along of your dad's to you."  Then he said that she's also been reaching out to my dad's cousin that lives in Colorado.  Asking if she could LIVE with her for a couple months and "help her out."  Keep in mind, there was also zero relationship there.  In fact, my dad's cousin was another person(out of millions) that she hated. 

I'm feeling extremely uneasy now; I feel like she's escalating if she is reaching out to people she hates for attention.  The last time I heard from her was about a year ago, and then I finally made the decision to block her number and e-mail.  She sent the kids extravagant gifts in November, which I ignored.   In the past I would have sent an e-mail or text to at least thank her(out of guilt and human decency), but then realized if I want her to stop contacting me I would need to completely ghost her and truly be NC. 

Now every time a car drives by my house, I'm worried it's her.  I'm extremely anxious and have had nightmares of her just showing up at my house.  I'm worried she's going to use my in-laws as a way to get in contact with my kids or to get information about them(my in-laws do still have some contact with my children)  Why can't these people JUST STOP?? GET THE HINT.  If I had actually changed my cell number, wouldn't I have given it to her if I wanted her to have it?  If I wanted to have a relationship with her...I WOULD.  But she keeps forcing the issue, just like when I was a kid.  She just can't accept it.  And then I have my classic en-FIL, "don't you think she's changed after all these years?"  Then the guilt starts seeping in.  Maybe she wasn't "that bad."  Maybe I should just suck it up and make her happy. 

I know overall that the fact that she's had two phone conversations with my in-laws is not a big deal in it of itself.  But now I am so fearful.  I keep repeating to myself "I'm not a little girl anymore.  I'm not a little girl anymore.  She can't force me to do anything I don't want to do."  But just knowing that she's "out to get me" takes a huge toll on my mental health.  Not looking for solutions really; I will work on this more in therapy.  But would be nice to know if others have felt the same way. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, yes! The fact that your toxic, NC stepmom has had two phone conversations with you likewise not-so-safe ILs very understandably has all your alarm bells ringing. They went from no relationship at all to "wonderful" conversation and straight up flying monkey. As we say a lot on here, you are reacting very normally to an abnormal situation.

I've been there too, early on in NC, right down to wondering whether every car driving by was my dad.

You will get through it!!!

[moglow]

"...She sent us a card, scolding us for not giving her a card at your dad's funeral, and saying she wanted to work things out." So - EnFIL didn't see that as a large screaming flag, that she felt compelled to scold adults for some perceived wrong?! That in itself speaks volumes, about her and him both really. I kind of wonder if she pursued "working things out" with them, but not my [or your!] stuff. Or was she referring to working things out with you - who knows? Either way, truly not your stuff.

And then I have my classic en-FIL, "don't you think she's changed after all these years?"  Then the guilt starts seeping in.  Maybe she wasn't "that bad."  Maybe I should just suck it up and make her happy. 

Why not just tell him - NO, I don't think she's changed. I've seen no sign that she's changed, and frankly I wouldn't be interested if she had. She made choices with me, HARD choices, years ago and she doesn't get to change or dictate how I feel. Not anymore. Have whatever relationship with her you choose, I choose otherwise. Maybe you could tell him, I really don't care to hear about her. I've made my peace with that situation and don't want her in my life anymore.

You're NOT that little girl anymore! You have absolute control over who and what kind of relationships you have with people. If she were to approach you with sincere apology for the way she treated you, you could reconsider - or not. Her [presumed] blanket apology doesn't make everything all right, anymore than her cries to other people.

Mother doesn't have anyone to come to me with fauxpologies or excuses anymore - all her family is gone now. She's destroyed relationships with my brothers as well, so I finally truly realize I was never the problem she claimed all those years. She still tried blaming me, right up to our last phone call where she went off on me yet again because of her failed relationships. Still not one whit of remorse or compassion for what she's done for so long. I don't worry about her trying to stop or drive by - I've lived in this town for 15 years and she's not once given any indication she was interested in seeing where I live, always excuses why she couldn't come here. But I can easily see the reverse, her being obsessed with someone and demanding to be SEEN! Acknowledged! Going behind someone's back and using others to try and get to them. Whining and crying that she's being ignored or pushed aside, never acknowledging that after all those years she's getting paid in full.

Don't give in to that little girl's fears - remind her that there is truly nothing that woman can do to you anymore. She's not invited to your home and would be a trespasser should she show up and try to shove in. YOU get to control any guilt she throws at you. YOU get to decide when or if you're willing to entertain any kind of relationship with her.

Hang in there - you've got this!

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry. I'm going through a similar thing with my BPDxH. We've been divorced for years. He won't leave me alone. It's not constant. Sometimes a year will go by, but then he pops up to remind me he's there. I feel like I can never relax or enjoy my birthday or a holiday as I never know when he's going to intrude.

I think I hear from him when things are not going well for him in his own life. It's a lot less frequent now, but his presence is always in my life. It's exhausting.

I fear for my safety too. All you can do is continue NC. My therapist basically said to try and focus on living my life. That he is going to do what he's going to do. I have to build my own life and not let him control me, while of course being safe. I didn't find it particularly helpful advice at the time but I see that she was right.

I truly believe that one day something will set him off and he will come try to kill me. I have various safety measures in place, e.g. I am never without my phone. I vary my route home as much as I can, but I do try to get in with my life. Next year I will be leaving the state I live in. I don't think he will get on a plane, but you never know.

[mrsstrezy]

Cordelia-thank you for the encouragement.  Somehow I knew that they would eventually all talk amongst themselves and commisserate about what a horrible DIL/stepdaughter I am.  And then despite the fact that I am "so horrible" continue on in their relentless pursuit of me.  It's all so maddening!  If I'm so terrible, LEAVE ME ALONE!!

moglow-thank you!  I did actually give en-FIL a piece of my mind.  I blurted out that she was emotionally abusive when I was a child and that she's been abusive of my time as an adult.  I said she's destroyed my mental health and I just can't do it anymore.  He still seems to have trouble understanding.  Probably because he's been placating his crazy wife his entire life and knows nothing about how to preserve mental health otherwise.

GettingOOTF-thank you for your response.  I am so sorry about your ex-H....I've never had a romantic relationship with a PD but I can't imagine how crazy that would get.  I'm sorry he has you feeling so unsafe that you think he might kill you one day...I really hope not!! I like the pointer your therapist said about just continuing on and living your life.  We can't control what they do.  I think I need to keep busy and spend time with the people that make me happy.

[Leonor]

Yes! Um, who gives a card to their stepmom when her spouse passes? That spouse is *your* parent, why doesn't she give *you* a card?

I've been through the messed-up step-mom bit a few times and it's all the same nonsense: "me me me your father me me me your father me."

A grown woman takes her grief elsewhere and turns to console her spouse's children: "oh, he loved you so much, or he was so proud of you, or even I know he didn't always do right by you, but he was lucky to have you in his life." I mean, that even goes for biological moms!

I'd have loved to have whipped out a piece of paper and a magic marker right on the spot and written something like, "Sorry you're such a jerk. Here's your card. Enjoy!", folded it in half and given it to her.

I think there should be a section in the card aisle for the PDs in our lives. Then we could find a card to match the occasion when we are at a loss when they start acting up.

[Lisa]

I found myself nodding along as you talked about your fear of her just showing up at your house and the hyper vigilance of cards driving by.  I am right there with you, it is an awful fearful feeling. I really liked your affirmation "I am not a little girl anymore" "She can't force me to do anything I don't want to do".  I think I could find that helpful to remind myself of too!
That's great you have found a good therapist and benefit in EMDR!!