Reconnected with BF, but after 1.5 years, it’s ending again

[bohemian butterfly]

It's been about 1.5 years since I last posted in this forum, so I wanted to provide an update. 

First of all, Im slightly embarrassed to admit that I fell off the wagon (got back together with my ex) but the good news is that I think that I'm back on track. 

So the last time I wrote, I had broken up with my boyfriend, moved out, bought a house and was recovering.  (Please see prior posts for more details) And Although I grieved and had some painful days, for the most part I was at peace, but then 3 months post break up, he reaches out.

Why, oh why hadn't I kept his number blocked?  I had blocked, unblocked, blocked, and unblocked it so many times.  And there were so many reasons to unblock.  Guilt, obligation.  *sigh*. He caught me on a night when I was feeling down (one of those nights when the "what if" thoughts were haunting me)

So, I answered the phone and.....he was bawling (and he had been drinking). He was also a few blocks away from house (I had never told him my address, he told me later that he had looked it up, public record).  So, what did I do (because my heart couldn't take listening to his pain)??? I invited him over to talk (why????!!!!)

Lovebombing.   So, a drunken, bawling phone call and visit from him, along with a 96 song playlist of love songs, and a 13 page letter (filled with reflections, memories, regrets and promises to change, that he handed me) and I was back in.........I bought it, hook, line, and sinker.  But, deep down I knew...... for the next morning I woke up with the feeling of complete dread, so so hoping it was a dream and that I was still free......

Fast forward to the present.  here I am, needing to break it off again (for good). So for the second time, I have a choice, I can live my life (in peace) or I can give up my soul and life energy for the love of his life (the farm and alcohol).  I can't be with him.  Nothing is ever enough!  Whenever I try to help him, I get sucked in (for hours) and then am "obligated" to assist him with 13 other things on his go do list.  Go, go,go.  Total stress.  And it's always got to be done his way, (making the bed, folding clothes, grocery shopping, loading the dishwasher, loading the groceries on the conveyor belt, putting the groceries in the bag, putting the groceries away, etc)   Exhausting.  It gets to the point where you don't want to bother, one either has to confirm, rebel, or just give up (learned helplessness).  Reminds me of my childhood.  Yep, im probably reenacting....

What have I learned? People can change temporarily, but in the end, unless they've had some serious therapy, they will eventually return to "their normal."in this situation, everything that was wrong got magnified. The tasks/requests/favors he asked were unending.  "I need you to....." "can you do this?"  "You can say no, but I really need......" Constant crisis.  Emergency situations seem to occur every day.  And Even though we lived apart, I went to him and whenever I went to visit him, we worked.  I would just stop by to have lunch or chat and he'd say, "come on" as I'm talking, so that I'd have to join him (working) if I wanted to talk or spend time with him.  He had zero time.  He was constantly stressed.  Several employees had come and gone (burnout?). He got upset because one of his good workers (who was only 18 and was interested in becoming business partners) changed her mind.  He scoffed and said, "what is she going to do with her life?"   Ok, he's in his 50s and she's just started her life!  She's allowed to change her mind about whether or not she wants to make such a huge commitment.  I mean, she's still kind of a kid!  He was annoyed for days.....  but I digress. 

Unfortunately, his life has gotten more stressful as of late (his only sibling got ill).   so he's added part time caregiver (doctors appointments, errands, etc) to his list.  *sidenote*  I'm sad for his sibling, my heart hurts, and I hope they recover soon, but I got a real hard look at what my future would look like if I stayed in that dynamic.   Misery and stress. 

2 Saturdays ago, I told him that I was unhappy and that his life (to me) was stressful and unmanageable and that I could not have that stress in my life. He didn't sound happy, and even said, "I haven't been a good boyfriend."  I ended the call, told him we could talk more when he had some free time. 

So, the last time I saw him was 1.5 weeks ago and our last quick text was several days ago.  Nothing.  No free moment for him to talk I guess. 

Guilt keeps trying to encourage me to reach out to him.  Check on him. But I can't. 

Why is it still so hard for me to completely cut the cord?   Because despite all the negatives, there were positives.  My brain is trying to convince me that the negatives aren't "that bad."   

But he doesn't even have time to talk about the relationship, that is my answer right there.



Sorry for the long post.  I guess I really needed to get that off my chest.  Thank you for reading. 

[Penny Lane]

Hi, welcome back, and I'm sorry you found yourself once again in this tough spot.

You are not alone - far from it.

It sounds like you are very unhappy. The good thing is, you know what you need to do to give yourself the chance at happiness. And you know you have the strength to do it - you've done it!

I wish you more strength and peace and clarity as you navigate this again. We're here for you.

[clara]

Twice in my life I've re-connected with a toxic boyfriend, and twice it was a huge mistake.  They'd led me to believe they'd changed, but they hadn't.  I had to get hurt all over again in order to learn my lesson.  I was more fortunate with my NPDexh.  He lovebombed me for a few months after I left him, but when he found another woman he thought might marry him, he was quick to give it up. So much for all the love, right?  He's now on his fourth marriage (last I heard).  Changed?  Not in the least.

No, they don't change.  They don't think they should have to.   Last I saw one of my ex-bfs (he was still friends with some friends) he was absolutely no different than he'd ever been, even worse.  He was slowly sliding into serious alcoholism, and blaming the world (and especially his ex-wife) for all of his problems.  Same as he did when I was with him.  I know there are exceptions, but they seem few and far between, and I suspect the exceptions know how to let go of the past and move on.  They don't try to re-connect with you with an "I've changed" attitude.   They live their life and they let you live yours. 

You made the decision to protect yourself from the toxicity.  That's never a wrong decision.   Don't let him drag you into his life.  He may have stress and caregiver issues, but how does that make him unique?  What would his response be if the shoe was on the other foot? (i.e., you were the one with those issues).  It hurts to cut a person out of your life, because you feel guilty, you have compassion, you second-guess yourself.  The learning curve to realizing you made the right decision can be steep.  There are a lot of stumbling blocks along the way, but now being aware of them, after having experienced them, goes a long way towards helping remove all those doubts.  It's nice to have theoretical answers to real-life issues, but for many of us, we have to learn by making mistakes, even when we know all the theories.  That's because we're human and life is messy.  There's a saying about how the people who don't make mistakes are the ones who aren't trying. 

Hang in there. 

[bohemian butterfly]

Thank you Penny Lane and Clara.

I'm feeling much better today.  It definitely helps that I have my own space (that we don't live together anymore).  It also helps that he hasn't lovebombed me this time.

I haven't physically seen him in 2 weeks.  Yesterday he sent me a text with a link to a love song, (YouTube) yet today he changed his Facebook profile pic.  For the past 5.5 years he's had a pic of the two of us, yet today he uploaded a pic of him, solo, lounging in a hammock (it's an old pic from several years ago). This was done purposely, and to be honest, I'm quite over it.  It's funny, something so silly and childish pushes me over the edge. 

[Simon]

Hi bb.
Been just read your first post, and it's so familiar.
It's a shame that you were sucked back in after being out for so long, but what worries me is that you're receiving texts from him, and checking his facebook profile, meaning you still haven't blocked him.
There's no need for him to contact you, or to change his behaviour because you are acting exactly as he is expecting.

Please take Clara's advice, and realise that he isn't going to change, and will use you until he gets bored again, and the pain will be much, much worse.
Go 100% no contact, and put your energy into fixing yourself against people like this, and hopefully finding someone who deserves you.

I wish you luck.

[Empie2204]

Hi bohemian,

at approximately the same time when you were leaving your bf I was preparing for leaving and left my h after 28yr marriage. I think I was writing something here, but not my intentions and the event itself. Somehow I found encouragement in your posts.

After your latest posts I can only confirm that nobody knows how difficult it is to leave a disordered person and relationship - unless they lived it. An how difficult it is to resist coming back.
I didn´t return to my husband but even after such a long time I still weigh wouldn˙t it be good to return. Although I have some really bad memories recorded in my brain and in my written notes.
What we feel equals the textbook definition of temptation.
I resisted primarily because I have the good and beloved support of my family. Thank God and universe for that.

The narcissists and manipulators don´t change, no matter how much we secretly wanted them to.
I totally relate with you and wish you to grow even stronger than you are now.
We have to live with our past, with THEM moving around somewhere here, with our hurt personalities and much more. For all that we must grow stronger and build ourselves until our last day!
Wishing you all the best!