I think I finally found my line in the sand...Don't mess with my kid.

[BritBritBrit1]

First time posting here but have found some solace reading everyone else's stories. My father and I have had a tumultuous, dysfunctional relationship for most of my life. Thirty years ago when we were in family therapy a counselor suggested that my dad had BPD, but of course he laughed that off and has never done anything since then to get help. Everything I've read and all of the on and off therapy I've had leads me to believe that counselor was correct in her assertion. Fast forward to me being a middle aged mother myself, and I still dread having anything to do with my dad. I have continued to have a relationship with him because "that's what good daughter's do." It's been years and years of the cycle of terrible behavior followed by him pursuing me when I try to cut him out of my life. I just keep going back and thinking that boundaries will allow us to have a relationship.

Things have been particularly bad the past 14 years since I had my son. My father is desperate for control over my son, and I continue to keep boundaries in place for supervised contact only. Every year my dad goes on a rampage and demands that I send my son to his house for a week in the summer. And every year I push back and we have another blow out. I will not subject my son to my father without me there to intervene in my dad's nonsense. Well this year he decided to go straight to my son. He Facetimed my 14 year old son last week, and I could hear the conversation from the next room. The entire conversation was my dad speaking disrespectfully about me to my son and manipulating my son about me. The conversation went like this: "I sure wish you could visit us, but YOUR MOM (said in a really accusatory tone) probably won't let you. Is YOUR MOM sitting right there listening it to our conversation? Can you come stay with us for a week? Don't ask YOUR MOM. Just ask your dad. I would send you politically incorrect texts but YOUR MOM wouldn't probably find them and delete them." I was so furious and hurt. It's one thing for my dad to mess with me, but it's another thing for him to call my son and try to play us off each other. I texted my dad after I heard the conversation and told him that this tactic was completely unacceptable and that he may not manipulate my son. A few days later I got this response:

[mod edit to remove exact quote since this forum is public and searchable for the posters own protection]

When I read the text I felt so sick and scared. I was shaking and thought I was going to have a panic attack. It was like I was a terrified 5 year old again hiding in the closet as my dad raged instead of a 40-something, professionally successful mother and wife. I was done in that moment. I've blocked him on my phone and my son's devices and have blocked his email. The only way he can contact me is through my husband, and my husband will not put up with any nonsense from my dad.

All of this to say that I'm just so sad and hurt. And exhausted. After this latest blow up my husband reminded me "Your dad is going to f*!k with you for the rest of his life unless you cut him off." I've done everything I can to try to maintain a relationship with him, but I just can't do this anymore. My son deserves better and so do I.  The problem is that I can't get over the feeling that a "good daughter" would never cut her dad off.  Getting myself back into some therapy to let go of that idea and to heal from all the trauma with my father.

[Andeza]

You were a good daughter. Better than he deserved, in fact. You put up with his crap for years upon years despite constant boundary stomping, mocking, abuse, and trying to interfere with how you raise YOUR child. But now, we are also mothers. And now, being a good mother supersedes any preconceived notions about what being a "good daughter" looks like.

Here's another way to consider this and I'll mention my own NC with uBPDm here briefly. I decided that if society says taking all the abuse and crap from my mom is what it takes to be a "good daughter," then society can kiss my butt. I choose to be a "bad daughter" in that case. Yep. Because being good only ever got me more frustration, more heartache, more drama, more stress, more freakin' gray hair! But, I'm not a bad daughter either. Not really. It's just that we've been taught that "good" children take everything their parents dish out with a smile and a "Please sir, can I have some more?" That's waaaaay too twisted.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

One day, in the not too distant future, you will no longer be shrouded by your dad's abuse.

Welcome to the board.

[Leonor]

Welcome!

There's a beautiful moment in the movie Parenthood where the mom says to her heartbroken son, "You're a great kid. You're a great kid! You just have a lousy dad."

You're a great daughter. You're a wonderful mother. A wise, compassionate and strong mama bear.

You just have a lousy dad. Plus he's what, 70 years old? What's he going to do, hobble on over on his walker and shake his fist at you? Whatever.

He's not 70 right now. He's acting like a little kid having a temper tantrum trying to make you mad by "stealing" your bestie, in this case, your son. He's not thinking of his grandson as a child. He's thinking like a child. Put him in timeout.

He has more patience than you? More wisdom? No he doesn't, he's disordered. He won't outlast you or something bizarre like that because you are an entire generation younger.

Lean into your family. Lean on your dh. Shrug to your ds and say, "yeah, well Grandpa can get a little like that from time to time, but that's not on you. You don't worry about it. If he gets like that just let me and dad handle it, ok?"

[doglady]

You're being a great Mum. Don't ever doubt it. Your father doesn't have any say, anymore. You're an adult. And your son is not his kid. So he certainly doesn't have any say regarding him. And your husband is right on the money.

And that text he sent is beyond ridiculous - talk about the emperor giving the decrees from on high. He could win an Olympic gold for narc umbrage-taking. Laughable really. They really just do not hear themselves, do they?

[BritBritBrit1]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.  I was able to connect with my therapist last night, and that combined with your insight has really given me a sense of peace about this decision.  My dad's options for contacting me are very limited right now, so I'm hoping I can get some space for a while to get stronger before he starts his pursuit again.  Honestly, I feel very sad for him and his miserable existence, but I'm not going to subject myself to abuse anymore.  My son and I had a good talk about this situation with his grandfather, and he seems to understand that his grandfather has mental health issues that impede his ability to love people in the right way.  I hope I can continue to model appropriate boundaries for my son, particularly since this was never modeled for me.  Thank you all again!

[daughter]

Hello. And yes, I've had similar Big Bad Behavior outrageous experiences from BNM and NF. I'm now NC. But our oldest teen DS was already in HS; it's been difficult to balance their willful need to bad-mouth me, his mother, regardless of the emotional upheaval and often plain hurt they cause him by doing so.

[BritBritBrit1]

Hello. And yes, I've had similar Big Bad Behavior outrageous experiences from BNM and NF. I'm now NC. But our oldest teen DS was already in HS; it's been difficult to balance their willful need to bad-mouth me, his mother, regardless of the emotional upheaval and often plain hurt they cause him by doing so.

It's sad that they don't see the damage they do to the grandchildren with this behavior.  And they don't realize that our kids are observant and aware of their grandparents' pathologies.  My son got a birthday card in the mail today from his grandfather with the sweetest note and $40 included.  My father rarely, if ever, remembers my son's birthday, so I know this is just his attempt to weasel back into our lives.  It's not going to happen.

[daughter]

To note, my parents reward DS with a substantial cash gift for every visit he makes.  However, until DS makes said visit, no bday or Christmas gifts or cards (!) are sent to DS, even though they're quite capable of doing so.  It's pure bribery on their part, "look how wonderful we are!!!" chicanery.

Our naive DS still seems oblivious to their manipulative "gifting" tactics.  And these cash gifts are of no financial consequence to my wealthy parents, who otherwise have been quite miserly towards him, given what their social circle typically afford their grandchildren. My parents brag, and bribe, but do nothing out of the kindness of their stone-cold hearts. Didn't do so for me; haven't done so for my kids, but like to brag nonstop about their generosity. Sorry - I'm triggered!