Ground down

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, I will make this quick. I am going through a difficult season, two of my children are chronically ill and I take care of them 24/7, usually awake taking care of them all night till the sun comes up. This is very isolating, I have lost a lot of social connections because I am busy taking care of the kids or resting. People have forgotten about me, but they fawn all over my DH. He has many friends and a lot of social connection. Many people admire him for the fact that his kids are sick. He often is told "I don't know how you do it." But I do it. I do the work. It is okay, I guess. They are my kids and they need me and I love them. But it is a lot.

I am drowning. And our marriage has never been emotionally supportive for me. But in these circumstances I feel tremendous need for support and connection. Every time I reach out to my DH for that, he refuses to connect. He literally tells me that he cannot connect with me because I am a negative person and I twist everything he tells me into something negative. I try to see if this is true, but I honestly don't think it is. He has said this for years anytime I try to talk to him about his words or behavior this is his excuse that shuts me down.  And I am codependent and people pleasing and very patient and kind. Nobody has ever in my entire life told me I am a negative person. People have often told me I am too nice, too patient, and take too much shit.

I am in therapy, but my therapist is new (unfortunately my old therapist took another job and had to transfer her clients) and it has only been a month and a half so she doesn't know our long term situation. I told her about this and she said that maybe he does need me to not talk to him about anything but positive things. So for the last two weeks I have only talked to him about things that are positive. I resent this though because he is a neurotypical adult in a marriage relationship, so I feel like we both have to share a responsibility to this relationship. So I don't feel it is too much to ask for him to at least be a friend to me. I long for emotional intimacy, or even just a friendship or companionship. Is it normal to have to pretend you are always happy when you are desperately tired, overworked, worried about sick children, and lonely?

I feel like being fake happy all the time for him is asking too much of me. I can't even be myself in my own home. I don't want to be negative, but i don't think I am. I think at this point, I can't even be honest.

Why is his happiness and desire to not be bothered by me more important than my need for friendship, open heathy conversation or encouragement?

[Dinah-sore]

When I said I can't even be honest, it isn't that I am a liar. It is just I am in a position where I need to act like everything is sunshine and roses. He wants me to act happy I am unrealistic way.

[SparkStillLit]

I hear you. I remember you.
Updh has similar expectations, and I don't think they are reasonable, either.
I think you have every right to feel those things you feel.
It would be nice if you had a friend to share your burden with and to support you in your role. Your life is a challenging one, to be sure.
I know it's just internetty ones, but hugs and love from here.

[Thru the Rain]

Hi Dinah - I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I've read your posts over the years and my heart goes out to you. I'm saying a prayer for you now that you find peace and a path through your situation.

I'm not sure what conditions your children have (I apologize if you've shared that in the past and I'm just not remembering). Are there any support groups specific to those conditions you could participate in via on-line or facebook groups? You may find a wonderful community with resources to help the specific situation - doesn't really replace a non-supportive spouse but it may offer some tangible emotional support.

And regarding your therapist - and this is just my own 2 cents so take this advise only if it feels right for you - it's OK to speak up and tell the therapist that YOU need support. You don't come to a therapist for that person to offer second hand support for your DH.

[Empie2204]

I feel like being fake happy all the time for him is asking too much of me. I can't even be myself in my own home. I don't want to be negative, but i don't think I am. I think at this point, I can't even be honest.

Why is his happiness and desire to not be bothered by me more important than my need for friendship, open heathy conversation or encouragement?

I understand your position. I used to be an invisible woman, too. Maybe it would not be much of a help, but I can only share my experience.
It´s all in us and  begins when we reach THE point. I got fed up being in the background, but actually doing and financing the majority of our mutual life.
The point I mention is when you really see you can´t go on like that any more. Then you start "rebelling", acutally raising your voice, fighting for your rights and sanity.
For me it was tremendously difficult and long, but once it started, I could not go back.
I see you made the first step: therapy. I did the same and when it didn´t work because the other side was not willing, I tried more and more other life-saving tactics.

Just a few: educating a lot from all possible sources, reconnecting with dear people I voluntarily gave up for his sake (!), talking with them, going out, stopping to obey. I was actually returning back to myself which I abandoned. I didn´t think much about  how it could end. I only knew that I have to stop the old pattern.  My doing that made me feel better. I didn´t feel at all well being someone else.


Stay strong!

[Poison Ivy]

My ex was and isn't particularly emotionally supportive of me. It was helpful for me to realize that I couldn't change him to become emotionally supportive but I didn't have to stay in a marriage with a person who wasn't emotionally supportive. So I got a divorce.

[Boat Babe]

I am sorry that you are shouldering the work of caring for your beloved children on your own. Does your husband at least provide financial support? If not, would you be in a better position as a single parent, given that you are technically one anyway?

Your children are lucky to have such a loving and devoted mother.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Lauren17]

Hi Dinah-Sore, it's good to "see" you again.
My marriage has never been one of mutual support or emotional intimacy. I've learned that I cannot force H to hear me, respond to me, be kind to me. I can change my expectations. Somehow, it's easier and less disappointing if I don't ask or even expect any support from him.
Can you reach out to organizations near you and start to build a network? Maybe other moms or the church?
Regarding your T, it's ok to look for another one if this one doesn't fit you. I've noticed that every one I've talked to starts down the same "communication will solve all marriage problems" road. Those of us here know that's not the case.  I was very straightforward when starting with my current T. I told them that all the "i statements" in the world aren't going to fix this.
Stay strong!

[GettingOOTF]

I'm sorry to see that things have not improved for you. I can only echo what Lauren17 said.  At some point I learned not to expect anything from my ex. It helped with the disappointment, hurt and frustration. I had to accept that he simply was who he was and that no matter what I did or said he wasn't going to change. You husband has shown you and your children who is is again and again.  It's helpful to focus only on what you can control.

Once I started to accept my ex for who he was I realized that this wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted. I ultimately chose to leave. I know that this isn't a choice everyone makes. For our own peace of mind we need to make peace with our situations what ever they are. We can only control ourselves and our reactions.

What your therapist told you is dangerous and incredibly toxic. It is not realistic to only talk to a spouse about "positive" things. That's not a relationship. With your therapist I'd look elsewhere for someone more supportive and understanding. As you are not getting this at home it's essential that you find it elsewhere.

[1footouttadefog]

I feel for you.  I cannot imagine having the worry and tiring responsibility of children with long term and chronic health problems.

You husband has shown you who he is and what he is available to you for.

Perhaps acceptance is in order.  You need to find ways to have those needs met elsewhere.  Can you skimp on the groceries or some of your husband's luxuries and pay a sitter/care giver to give you a respite.  A half day a week and perhaps and evening every other to go visit or have dinner with friends.

He seems not to want to be there for you emotionally so share with others besides him, don't toss pearls at a swine. 

My spouse also wants only positive things. Any little hint of a criticism is monumental for him.  Only emotional disconnection helped with this pain. 

For me it was the disappointment at not getting what I needed and deserved that was repeated with each expectation not met.  When I quit having expectations, I quit being disappointed.  It eventually quit hurting. 

I now share with friends who can have adult level interactions.  I am no longer Charlie having the ball snatched away by Lucy.