Have you felt second-hand embarrassment?

[BefuddledClarity]

Have you ever felt second-hand embarrassment from PDs in your life?

For example:

When my PD parents are rude to the waitstaff in a restaurant in and insulting the food or insulting their service, or my PD in-laws yelling at staff members in a store, or when my partner got drunk and started yelling at people to shut up?

Most recently, my partner kept honking at me with the car to hurry up and one of my neighbours stepped out of the house, irritated and wondering what idiot is honking so loudly at this time of day.


I felt embarrassed after that.

How do you disconnect yourself from that embarrassment and I guess somewhat guilty feeling even though it was your PD who did it---not you?

[Call Me Cordelia]

All the time. I wonder if it's the belief that we are responsible for their behavior. "Guilt by association." Even now I feel shame should I need to reveal something of my parents' behavior, even though this is rare for me. It was the worst in those preteen years when self-consciousness was naturally starting to develop, and when my uNF would deliberately cause me embarrassment. It never went away until I went NC. I always felt I had to manage their behavior around other people I cared about. I believed people would think "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," about me.

[Prototypian]

That happens to me a lot.   My PD spouse gets angry and her natural behavior is to loudly or rudely let someone know that they are doing something wrong

[SparkStillLit]

I avoid going to restaurants with pdm because she is HORRID to the staff, and it's utterly mortifying to me.
Also, I feel I'm always making excuses for pdh's assy behavior, because it is also embarrassing to me.

[notrightinthehead]

I remember many occasions of feeling so ashamed for NPDh's behaviour.  In the latter years I walked away when I could, but sometimes that was not possible. One time at a government office, I said to the people,  my husband has a different opinion to mine,  I am only speaking for myself.

[Dandelion]

My narcissistic mother once furiously (but quietly) attacked a waitress.  It was only a few words of criticism of her service, but it was very shocking.  I think the waitress was chatting to me in a friendly way and my mother got jealous. The waitress was dumbfounded at her words, as was I.  After the meal, I wanted to go back and apologise to her; I never did, a slight lack of confidence, but I wished I had.

Nearly all of my mother's bad behaviour to me has been behind closed doors.  However I remember she once kicked off in a restaurant when I was 30, calling me a f* b* etc.  I wasn't mortified for myself - as she looked an absolute lunatic all on her own.  But I was struck dumb again (she knew I wouldn't make a scene in a restaurant).

Years later once I realised that she had some major "problem" and I was also stronger and older I would challenge her back or walk away.  I think this made her practice some more self control eventually, but she was still the same underneath, the bile and attack-mode was still there unfortunately, as I discovered after her last tirade (we are now NC).

[tragedy or hope]

In the past I owned a business with my unpdh. He treated some of his employees with such disdain, they would quit. I could not believe the lack of human value he had toward these grown men. He would say derogatory things about them around others. I heard little of it, but my sons one by one quit working at the business because of the way he treated people. Each came home shaking their heads in disbelief of how he treated people who were on his tiny payroll. Then he would complain that he could not find good help.

He was always right and others were incompetent; and he used street words and harsh judgements to tell them so. I felt embarrassed because now they knew what he was like and I was still with him.

[Cascade]

Yes, I feel embarrassed by some of the things my husband does. I could give examples but I feel like they are so unique, that if my husband ever stumbled upon this site, he might realize I have been posting here.

[11JB68]

Yes, though for the most part he does a good job of hiding his misbehavior.
Now I mostly observe neutrally, I almost hope that he'll slip up in public so that others will see it .
I also used to do a good job of covering for him. Les likely to do that now

[blunk]

So. Many. Times. Bpdxh was often just outright rude to people for no reason, well in his mind there may have been a reason. Servers, cashiers, strangers, it didn't matter. There were so many cringe-y moments. The absolute worst was outside of a store, there was a group fundraising for their church. They asked if he would like to make a donation. He answered, f#$% you and your God. Never have I wished harder, than in that moment, for a hole in the ground to open up and swallow me.

[Dollydrops]

I felt this everytime my H lied to other people in my presence and expected me to agree with him. In the early days I would just nod and be embarrassed to save HIS face. After years of really studying and realising what shit I was dealing with, if he lied I would just say outright ' No that never happened!'
I would be embarrassed in conversations where he would chip in with 'my mate in the SAS, my mate in the Government, my mate' everywhere which he thought made him look important. I was embarrassed when he reconnected with people he vaguely knew from  years ago, but who had come into big money just to make him feel rich and somehow twisted it so they thought he was doing them a favour.
Embarassed every time in public he would say 'bless her' whenever I made him look good to his acqaintances, knowing full well he detested anything to do with me unless it was for HIM.
Embarassed every time he befriended someone and turned everything about them into his 'new self'
His most recent one is a man who struggles with obesity and buys calorie laden foods, bags full every day. H, to build a rapport, has starting buying calorie laden foods every day so he can compare notes with said friend, lies to his dietician ( appointed to him after three heart attacks because he needs to eat healthily), all whilst he claims to be on a healthy diet.
I refuse to take part in any of it anymore, and anything which makes me feel embarassed because of something that he does or says, I just tell people he can't help it he is a liar.

[1footouttadefog]

For me it's first hand embarrassment. I am embarrassed that I am with the offender.