New Person....how do I set boundaries!

[Dodo]

So I broke up with my updp over 2 months ago, we are both living in the same house still out of necessity not choice.  I am trying to sell my condo and he is going to stay here.  We get along on a certain level and don't talk about certain things.  My problem isn't him anymore but I went on a dating site a few weeks ago and quickly realized I wasn't ready, meanwhile I did keep in touch with one man from the site who I have been communicating with for a few weeks, I took my picture down off the site as I didn't want any more attention but have kept my correspondence with him going through texts and emailing. The problem is it has turned into a sexual conversation now and I'm not really comfortable with this, I kinda let him know that I was a little uncomfortable but also feel as though I led him on little too so feel somewhat stupid now and what to stop it.  I do find him attractive and interesting but he doesn't really want to talk about himself much and I wonder how interested he is in me or if he just wants to get laid, not that there is anything wrong with that I am just having a hard time with boundaries and want to express that to him but don't know how to put it.  He lives in another town so that is safe .... I really just want a person to talk to and maybe do some stuff with as my udpdp never wanted to do anything as this was part of his illness so it is a new world for me to find someone who wants to travel and do different things with.  I haven't met this person yet and feel it is just too much, what would you do?

[Boat Babe]

Hey Dodo. The concensus here is to give yourself a break of a year between leaving an abusive relationship and dipping your toe in the dating pool. This is so you don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Also, to give yourself time and space to heal from trauma, establish yourself as an independent person who doesn't need another person to feel whole (I know that one only too well) , to learn a lot about why you stayed in the relationship as long as you did and to work on those issues that you find.

It also happens that people meet very good potential partners at the wrong time and have to decide whether to go with the flow, or not.

If you feel you want to slow down with this man, then you owe it to yourself, and to him, to be honest and kind with him and to tell him. If you feel that you have led him on, then apologize and still state your case. (Don't overshare)

Personally, I got a lot of my "people needs" met after both my relationships with PDs through my friends and through volunteer work with like-minded folk. I just about made it to a year, starting to see my current chap (non PD - hooray) after eleven months of very chilled celibacy and me time. I badly needed the break!

[GettingOOTF]

For the most part people go on dating sites to date and have sex. It’s not unreasonable for a conversation to “turn sexual”. I find men do this to test you out. It’s up to you how you react. If I get any unsolicited sexual communication I immediately unmatch.

The fact that he took the conversation in that direction means that that’s what he’s interested in. My experience is that men do not go on dating sites to be “someone to talk to”. Many specifically state this in their profiles.

The best thing I did was take a big step back and spend some time working on myself. I’d been separated and living apart from my ex for well over a year but we weren’t legally divorced. I thought I was ready to date but looking back I clearly wasn’t and made poor choices.

I am pretty ruthless when it comes to dating. If there is even a hint of something I don’t like I unmatch. There are thousands and thousands of men out there. You do not need to lower your standards or settle.

I found that the more I worked on myself the higher quality the men I interacted with were.

They say to learn to be by yourself first, this way you pick people because you what to be with them, not because they fulfill a need you have.

ETA. In the initial stages I don’t bother with boundaries with people I date. I have a list of non negotiables and I unmatch accordingly. Unsolicited sex talk is one of them. I need men I date to be emotionally mature and sophisticated enough to be able to let things unfold naturally. Asking about sex upfront is something a teenager would do. Not a mature, sexually confident grown man.

[notrightinthehead]

Dodo you write "....it has turned into a sexual conversation now and I'm not really comfortable with this, I kinda let him know that I was a little uncomfortable...." that is your boundary. You told him that you are uncomfortable with where this is going and he should stop. If he does not stop, you will have to agree with yourself - not him - what your next step will be.  Continue to endure what you are uncomfortable with? Ghost him? Block him? Sleep with him and hope that it will stop then? Up to you. You decide what you will do if he continues doing what you asked him to stop. You do not need his permission to set a boundary. In fact he does not even have to be told. This is your boundary and you decide how you will allow others to treat you and when you will remove yourself.
I agree with Boat Babe,  sometimes we tend to replace one bad relationship with another because we have not given ourselves the time to re-connect with ourselves and get to know what we really want.
Do you know who you are on your own? What you like, dream of, dislike? When last have you spent time with just yourself? And how was that?

[Dodo]

You are all right and I do know how to set boundaries I guess I feel guilty because I indulged in it briefly then realized how uncomfortable I was with it!  I know I need to just be me without anyone in my head for awhile.  I don't know why I always have to have a man in my life! 

[GettingOOTF]

You are allowed to change the terms/rules of your interactions with anyone at any point. This is something I really had to learn for myself.

[GettingOOTF]

I saw this on IG today.  It really resonated with me and made me think of you.

"After a breakup or divorce there are two paths we can do down. We can do the inner-work to transform our patterns and find our true essence in love, or we can move from person to person in search of "The One" and repeat our patterns for eternity."

[Boat Babe]

You are all right and I do know how to set boundaries I guess I feel guilty because I indulged in it briefly then realized how uncomfortable I was with it!  I know I need to just be me without anyone in my head for awhile.  I don't know why I always have to have a man in my life!

I have this problem too. I'm a serial monogamist and if I count the months between serious partners I've had since the age of sixteen, then it comes to about three years in total. I am now 63. I am always chasing male attention.   In my case it's Dad issues, as you can imagine.  Does my head in!

[Starboard Song]

Guy's voice, here.

Normally, we don't begin relationships with a Terms & Conditions conversation. Now, in some dating app situations, that is different, I know. People might have that first meeting in a safe place, and very early on establish what each is looking for. But very often we do this with a good dose of mystery and uncertainty as we feel the situation out. We learn about their intentions, and we discover our own, for they may change.

It is perfectly ok to talk and meet and date, and even to slowly slide into intimate talk, without committing to sexual activity, or feeling bad if that isn't ultimately right for you. And it is always OK to change your mind. Is it sometimes awkward? You bet! Might the other person feel a little hurt or frustrated? You bet! But that's just the nature of this very hard and complex game. It doesn't make you guilty. A good guy, in this exact situation, should be able to be thinking, "man I feel a little stupid and guilty now: I may have been misreading her, and now I've probably made her feel bad by coming on too strong."

Please cut yourself some slack. You didn't lead anyone on, ruining their chances for months on end. And you certainly have meant no harm. You've now realized you needed to speak up and you did. Good for you! I hope he understands. If he wants to move on, I hope he does so with kindness, and that will be cool, too.

I hope you find the partner or the friend you need. It really does take time to heal. And when you're ready, you'll be able to ride the bike again.

Good luck. Good strength.