How to stay cool?

[Monkey Boy]

I'm currently 3/4 of a day through the latest episode and feeling pretty down.  It started this morning because I "made a face" when he asked me to help him.  And I'm sure I did (however small) because he wanted me to take some measurements.  I was feeling anxious because the last time I helped him I got some numbers reversed (I'm a bit dyslexic) and that lead to an episode, so ya, I was anxious and he read that.  So after that he started acting out little by little until he pressed enough buttons that I lost it.  That's the problem.  For years I could ignore it or try to placate him but now I REALLY have a hard time taking his sh*t.  It seems to be something that I can't control.  He keeps going on and on getting nastier until I lose it.  And then he has ammunition to escalate his episode. He just came home and I apologized for my part of the argument but his end game is for me to capitulate and say it was all my fault.  Well, as we talk now I'm calm and cool but he continues on and on talking in circles, then it evolves to how our house is filled with problems (my fault) and I disguste him and he'd like a bed in the office for him because he wants to be as far from me as possible.  (I actually like the idea so when he's in of his "moods" he could sleep there but I know it would be a power play and he'd tell me to sleep in the other room without AC with would feed his need for dominance).  At that point I get up and leave and tell me that I started the conversation to apologize for my hart of the problem and to put the issue to rest and that his continuing insults and blaming is counter-productive and get up to go to the other room.  I'm soooo emotionally worn out and my mind is spinning.  Even now any time he passes by he mumbles a nasty comment or name.

I just wish that I could stay calm through all this and not somehow throw gasoline on the fire.  During and argument he'll ask me a question and if I answer it's either he either mock me or he twists my answer into ammunition to escalate.

How can I stay calm and not react when he pushes all of my buttons? 

Sorry for the rant.  I have such a hard time not getting drawn into his drama because I feel like I have to stand up for myself when he acts so disrespectful.  If not, I feel like I'm letting  somebody walk all over me with my permission - actually, that is exactly why I react - if I don't, I feel like I have no self respect.  Does that make sense?

[SparkStillLit]

I call this the "goat rodeo", where you go around and around and upside down and over and through until they get a reaction from you.
I will share what my T and I came up with.  When this starts, you can say something like "oh I see" or "how frustrating" or something, and before it escalates, you have something to do. Move the laundry, start dinner, walk the dog, have a poop if you must.
Most importantly, say nothing and don't participate, just get away. Nothing good can come of these.
If he's a chaser, (mine is not), go for a starbucks/dutch bros/what have you and leave the premises.
Every time. Put a stop to these. Take notice of how they come on, and gtfo before they escalate.

[11JB68]

Check out the toolbox for tips on medium chill etc. It takes practice, not perfect, but has helped me a lot

[IcedCoffee]

I call this the "goat rodeo", where you go around and around and upside down and over and through until they get a reaction from you.
I will share what my T and I came up with.  When this starts, you can say something like "oh I see" or "how frustrating" or something, and before it escalates, you have something to do. Move the laundry, start dinner, walk the dog, have a poop if you must.
Most importantly, say nothing and don't participate, just get away. Nothing good can come of these.
If he's a chaser, (mine is not), go for a starbucks/dutch bros/what have you and leave the premises.
Every time. Put a stop to these. Take notice of how they come on, and gtfo before they escalate.

All of this.
Mine is a "chaser" (what a great word!). I get "You always walk out when...Is that something your therapist told you to do?" I find that makes it harder to get away. However, I've discovered that it doesn't matter! Just get away, even if it seems rude, to the bathroom or wherever for as long as you need, and you probably know by now how long that is. For me my uBPDw has forgotten everything after ten  minutes.

[notrightinthehead]

Monkey boy, you are aware that the treatment you receive is emotional abuse. Being told that you disgust him is a hard thing to swallow.
The suggestions you have been given above are excellent. They are self care and defense, you are standing up for yourself when you remove yourself from abuse. I learned the hard way that fighting back brought me only heartache because my NPDh could always top whatever I did/said. Not engaging in a fight you cannot win is the clever,  the taking care of oneself  way.
You could write down some short answers for common situations, lrehearse them frequently, that you will be able to think of them when pressured. Next time he asks you to help with anything, you could say,  I can't. That did not end well last time. Or simply No.
When you feel the need to apologize, do so briefly then stop. And read up on JADE, it seems that you get engaged in that game a lot.

[Monkey Boy]

Thanks for the support.  Unfortunately he can be nasty and hold a grunge for several days.  Last night he left for about 4 hours and I had the house to myself and the dogs and was able to decompress and watch some TV.  As soon as he came home he laid into me again with renewed nastiness.  I lost it and told him if life is so bad with me, I'll sign the house over to him next week and I'll be on a plane back to the US immediately (we live in his hometown overseas so I'm really isolated here) .  We've been to this same point many times - I just get fed up.  Throughout the night he'd wake me up calling me names under his breath and telling me he hopes I die soon and other BS.  I told him that I'm not going to listen to his poison and put in earplugs and went back to sleep.

This morning it was the silent treatment and I told him that I am not hold on to anger and live the hell that accompanies it.  He didn't say anything.  I've been in the living room reading and now everything seems fine with him., but usually the anger comes comes back a couple of times before he's back to normal.  Could take 2-3 days before he's done roasting me but I'll really try hard not to get sucked in. 

[Boat Babe]

Hey Monkey boy, that all sounds really horrible. It is abuse, pure and simple.

My question to you, and you don't have to answer it here, is what's keeping you in an abusive relationship?  I would advise you to journal around this question. It will probably be a painful process but not as painful as the abuse you are getting.  Sending hugs to you.

[blew]

I'm really sorry for you pain.  And I will tell you that all the "toolbox" stuff in the world is only (to my mind) a short term way to keep from totally flipping out.  It's triage when you're mentally bleeding profusely.  But, your situation sounds nearly insufferable.  Again, just my take, but the anger on our SO's part seems scary and their language belies any sense of any real connection left between you.  Ask yourself how much better you'd feel to wake up every day and NOT have to walk on eggshells and be hyperaware of someone else's random mood swings?  Wouldn't that feel great?

[Monkey Boy]

Hey Monkey boy, that all sounds really horrible. It is abuse, pure and simple.

My question to you, and you don't have to answer it here, is what's keeping you in an abusive relationship?  I would advise you to journal around this question. It will probably be a painful process but not as painful as the abuse you are getting.  Sending hugs to you.

To answer your question we've been together 23 years so it's not easy to pick up and leave.  Its not all bad times - I know his triggers so I usually can avoid a meltdown but with COVID lockdown and moving into a new house that we have found has a lot of problems  we are both under a lot of stress.  At time I seriously consider leaving when things get tough but I own part of the blame by raging back at him.  I know that's the worse thing to do but I do sometimes.  I need to work on being emotionally cool using medium chill and no jade but it's hard sometimes.  Also I'm 62 and a lot of my money is tied up here in 2 properties and selling the properties could take years and I realistically cannot afford to retire in the US anymore.  I'm currently reading "Stop Caretaking the BP or NPD: How to End the Drama and Get on with Your Life".  It's been a real eye opener.  I'm also working on boundaries.

[Monkey Boy]

Hey Monkey boy, that all sounds really horrible. It is abuse, pure and simple.

My question to you, and you don't have to answer it here, is what's keeping you in an abusive relationship?  I would advise you to journal around this question. It will probably be a painful process but not as painful as the abuse you are getting.  Sending hugs to you.

To answer your question we've been together 23 years so it's not easy to pick up and leave.  Its not all bad times - I know his triggers so I usually can avoid a meltdown but with COVID lockdown and moving into a new house that we have found has a lot of problems  we are both under a lot of stress.  At time I seriously consider leaving when things get tough but I own part of the blame by raging back at him.  I know that's the worse thing to do but I do sometimes.  I need to work on being emotionally cool using medium chill and no jade but it's hard sometimes.  Also I'm 62 and a lot of my money is tied up here in 2 properties and selling the properties could take years and I realistically cannot afford to retire in the US anymore.  I'm currently reading "Stop Caretaking the BP or NPD: How to End the Drama and Get on with Your Life".  It's been a real eye opener.  I'm also working on boundaries.

[Monkey Boy]

To be honest after 23 years it scares the heck out of me be alone at 62 and no close friends.  Even worse to have to relocate to another city/country.  I know that it scares everyone to leave their BP other.  But with my reading and exploring the website I feel that "the cats out of the bag" and I can never go back to denial that he's ever going to significantly change.  I need to be the one that changes.  I need to start setting meaningful boundaries and enforcing them and see what happens.  In reading I have learned that I haven't done that well in the past.

[Boat Babe]

A difficult situation Monkeyboy.  If it's any consolation, I am 63 and live on my own and I really like the freedom and autonomy it brings me. Sometimes I feel alone and vulnerable but I could feel that in a relationship too. The financial constraints are probably just as challenging and I get that. Because of changes to state pensions in the UK I have had to continue to work past 60 but could not continue as a full time teacher as it was exhausting. I chose to downsize big-time (I live on a boat!)  and only work part time and have no regrets at all. I have very little disposable income but a huge amount of free time and live in a beautiful, tiny home.

There are many solutions to life's problems if you can think outside the box.  Wishing you creative solutions and courage. ❤️

[Monkey Boy]

Thank you boat babe.

[bat123]

Monkey Boy, I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I've struggled in a relationship that sounds very similar for 25 years.  I've gotten MUCH better at not reacting, but he has responded by upping the ante.  The lengths that he's willing to go to provoke me have gotten more extreme over time.  We sometimes can go a few weeks or even a month without a major "flare up" as I like to call it.  In between, he can be loving and we can have very nice times together.  But then the cycle repeats itself.  I feel like I'm on a long journey of figuring out why I was attracted to this relationship, and now that I think I've figured that part out, I am trying to understand what it is about me that makes it so hard to leave.  I do feel in a weird way that it's no accident that these difficult people come into our lives.  Until we heal the part of ourselves that accepts the abuse, it will continue.  If I'd been healthy and secure as a young woman all those years ago, I would never have entered the relationship.  The red flags were there right from the start.  I've learned SO much from the following three experts, and I highly recommend their videos/blogs:  Les Carter, Melanie Tonia Evans, and Dr. Ramani.  If therapy is not available to you these are great resources.  Or even in addition to therapy.  Good luck, Monkey Boy, I see you and hear you.

[Dollydrops]

Hi monkey boy,
Its so familiar reading this, the frustration it causes is awful, it puts you down, makes you feel stupid, unheard, dismissed, useless and nothing ever gets resolved. When I had therapy my counsellor asked me how I felt in this scenario, which was almost every day, I actually said I've had it fir soo long that I know I don't feel any love any more because in the middle of it I just sit there listening and imagine in my head that I could smack his head off his shoulders. I wouldn't of course because like you, I spent my life pandering to his problems needs and wishes for a quiet life and I'm not asking violent person.
The counsellor advised just smiling and walking away. I started doing that, I told him calmly that if it happened again I would leave the house for some quie, and then every time I  calmly said 'time-out' and drove to a quiet place.
It was like talking to a child, it felt like I was having to give out punishment, it never changed him, but it gave me lots of time to contemplate and keep myself sane. He would scream as I left " go on then fc@$k off and don't come back"  and I would come back to silent treatment which in the early days was torture but now at least for myself I gained a little control 'for my own feelings'.
It is emotional abuse of the first degree. Nothing will ever change him, but if you can't leave altogether the walk away tactic at least helps in the moment.
He also would say ' that's a good girl, do as your shrink says, you care more for what he says than ou do for me". 
If you can't leave properly try to give yourself time out where there are no eggshells for you to walk on.

[1footouttadefog]

I would set up the separate living space.

Have a place to sleep in peace or to retire to when moods are bad.

Do own his bad feelngs.  If you do respond be direct.  My face was showing that I remembered Messing up the numbers last time, I am glad to help despite that.  I am sorry you took it another way and that you feel bad about it. I will not be available for a tantrum but will be glad to help when you are past this.  In a few MI utes or a few days. Until then I hope you feel better soon, love you, I am going to be reading,


Other times I  make the statement I did nothing wrong, I am not the enemy, and I don't deserve to be treated like this.