Ever feel too intense for friends?

[Kitbit]

Just wondering if others have had the experience of feeling "too much" for friends? I suspect because I experienced neglect I have so much I want to share with someone but I'm afraid I scare them away. Calls and texts drop off etc. it's really hard because I am learning to be vulnerable and not counterdependent. Any advice here? Much appreciated.

[notrightinthehead]

Friendship takes time to build. Normal people don't share intimate things at the beginning of a friendship. They talk about common interests, neutral topics. Then slowly test the relationship with more personal information. Reciprocity is important. And they take the time the other person lets pass to contact them again, as an indication how frequent they desire the contact.
You say, you fear that you are too intense for your friends. This could be so, or it could be your own insecurity letting you think that. Some self reflection is good. 

[Mary]

I find that my friends are a little scared to contact me for fear of making things worse. I have to do more of the initiating than normal, I think.

Also, I try to not overwhelm them every time we talk. When they ask how I'm doing, sometimes I will say, "about the same." Or if they ask how was my week, I may say, "It was challenging." And that is good enough. They understand I live in a weird world.

Other times I do open up of course. And plenty of times I have to listen their inconsequential chatter, knowing that in normal life, that's normal.

[ArmadilloKate]

I do often feel this way. And balance is good. Some fun positive stuff along with the vulnerable and providing them an opportunity to be vulnerable too. Most people do want someone they can be close to, to talk about the hard stuff.  I have a couple very good friends who also need to do their own processing, so we are each others therapy friends in a way. And that is so helpful. It means I have a couple safe people to go deeper with.

For you, you might consider just being really straightforward and saying something like "hey I really value our friendship - your so [warm, interesting, funny, are such a good listener you feel safe, etc] so I was wondering if I could ask you something? Well I know I can be a bit intense, and maybe I overshare maybe too much? And I wanted to ask you if sometimes it feels like too much? (Listen) And I'm wondering if it would feel better for you if I [shares less, if we did different activities together, focused more on you, etc]? (Listen) Thank you I really appreciate you answering that so honestly. Its important because I really value you as a friend and as a person and I don't want to do anything to make this an uncomfortable friendship for you. And maybe ask about how you can be a better friend for them? What do they need and want in your friendship?

See, I lucked out big time because a friend referred me to HER therapist so we have been able to talk pretty deeply about stuff and the therapist assigns us homework to talk to the other person about certain things and then we get it. Like as I learn to come out of being a total doormat I've found my worth feeling very questionable in relationships (good relationships) and I can't fathom why these people care about me and are kind cause I'm so (boring, stupid, crazy, etc). So my homework was to ask this friend what she gets out of being my friend and why she likes hanging out with me. I had been feeling exactly as you describe. Shes been doing so much better lately, out of therapy for a year, frustrated with a boyfriend for not being interesting and fun, and so I was feeling like I was too intense, too boring, and maybe not a good friend anymore. Boy did she set me straight. And it was super helpful to ask her that.

[tragedy or hope]

YES! 

I worry about my intensity also. We who live with PD"S often have empathic personalities. We are willing to go deeper, be closer, more vulnerable. For me I hate the wait to find out if someone else wants the same. I feel I have to be shallow or talk about nonsense for a long time before I can connect... others like surface talk and many people are so insecure they just can't share. This bores me to death. When I leave I feel I have wasted time with people who will never really care.

I led groups of women for years, so I know how to get a conversation going and I am not afraid to share my thoughts. Most people don't want to hear feelings anyway. They have their own problems. Finding another empathetic person is not easy.

I have had a few people in my life who I think I wore out with the PD stuff I have to deal with. I find this site is a great support. I get a lot out and I feel connected to others who are also living in this mostly secret bizarre world.

[Kitbit]

Thanks for these replies so far. It helps to hear there are others facing this. I love reading the responses and welcome more. I find myself increasingly lonely. Pandemic life doesn't help I'm sure...But I've felt alone so long in my life, with no one to turn to. I feel like I am a good friend and a person with high standards in how I treat others, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter, or hasn't panned out. I'm very loyal but maybe people are just looking for light entertainment lol. Also I've had to go no contact with some family and a close friend as I got healthier and realized I didn't deserve to be made to suffer in life. Maybe technology makes friendships seem more one-sided too. Like a text dump without the chance for other lighter conversation. I wonder if some people don't approve that I maintain contact with a PD person in my life. All just speculation at this point.

[Free2Bme]

Hi Kitbit,

I tend to mirror tragedy or hope's sentiments.  I get bored/annoyed with unending surface talk. 

I don't mind superficiality for a while, but eventually I'll test the water to see if the other person is receptive to something deeper.  Some people just can't go there for whatever reason, maybe they feel safer keeping it 'light'.  However, I find these relationships require a lot of patience for me and I will end up not investing much. 

Conversely, I have met a few people that seem to have no barometer for when to dial it down.  It is full on intensity, all the time.  Although I have a high threshold for intensity, it can get tiring.  I realize this may be how some people experience me at times.

I am working on having an attitude of acceptance, grace, and adjusting my expectations.  We have all walked different paths and are wired differently. 

I certainly understand where you are coming from.  I have often felt I have been too intense here on the forum at times (especially during my looooong divorce nightmare).  Hopefully, I haven't put off too many folks, lol.

[1footouttadefog]

I find there is a lot of balance required.

Also, acceptance of others boundaries and being tuned in to there comfort levels.

I can totally relate with the impatience with surface only, chit chat level relationships.

Church coffee hour and office Christmas parties, sure, surface level chit chat, but over time I want more out of a relationship. 

[livinginmyhead]

I feel like I am extremely unfit to be around and sometimes very needy and really don't want to suck up people's energy.  I don't let anyone in at all except my kids and a very select few relatives. The bullshit meter is always on overdrive.  I am always looking for the hidden agenda and just about everyone who is not part of my circle of trust seems phony and predatory to me.  I don't believe I will ever be normal.

[Mary]

Yeah, it's so hard to just relax and not second guess yourself and others. Our family went on a fishing trip with some friends recently. I was trying to do the usual guessing when and how my uPDh would want meals, like having them done right away so they would get eaten. I think the other people thought I was being pushy and maybe wierd. I just couldn't relax and go with the flow very well. I was on edge. It was really awkward.

[JustKeepTrying]

My entire life I have felt too intense - even called it by some - or weird or off or just strange.  But then I have been surrounded by PD's since childhood so I am not sure that I really know what "normal" is -

My OCPDxh would critique every encounter.  It reached a point where I didn't go out much.  My friend circle shrunk and with the pandemic, shrunk more.  Now, I see the few people who I know don't judge or care if I'm intense or off or just weird.

I'm ok with that.

Because I am weird, intense, and off.  After the life, I have lived - and I imagine many here - how can we be anything else?

Plus I am not sure that the normal we feel portrayed in the picture-perfect houses of suburbia or in those 1950's sitcoms are real.  At my age, mid 50's, I know many women who kind of run that as an acid test.  I gotta say, I have never been like that and that's OK.  I have found that it is rare to have real and good friends -those friends that can separate for a time and when you come together it's like time never passed.  The friend you know will come to see you in the hospital or when you are down.  Then there are those cursory friends who come and go - the kind who hit like on a post but never comment.  I give them social niceties and keep the conversation short.  They bore me.  I like real conversations that are challenging.

So what if you are intense?  You are who you are.  It's their problem.  You be you and let them be them.  I imagine if we ever met in the real world, we could have a beer and a laugh.