Different behavior for different people

[losingmyself]

H almost got into a fist fight with a guy at work yesterday. H corrected him on something and the co worker started calling him names, and actually pulled his fist back, like was going to hit him.
Now, this is from H, so I don't know how much of the story is true. However, I am sure there was some kind of unpleasant altercation. Like, how did H correct him, and was he being his usual as--- self?  Thing is, he was sort of still mad after work, and then didn't seem to give it another thought.
On the other hand, I have seen him get more upset about the amount of toilet paper that DD used, and he has stayed up nights because he was so upset because he thought he saw then 14, maybe, yo DD roll her eyes at a comment he made.
Is it that we're held to a greater standard?  Is it that those things threaten his control? And he doesn't have any need to control the guy at work??
Just another behavior I have noticed

[CagedBirdSinging]

Definitely I can relate to different behaviour for different people. I've never seen anything like it. He can be amazingly 'on' for male friends and colleagues, and for his kids (currently) but is generally moody and sullen with me, unless he wants something- then it could be either hostility or love bombing, it varies. Also I would say stbxH is more tolerant towards men than women (hates women). Another thing is that you can never predict how he will react. One argument at work might be brushed off. Another seemingly lesser argument might put him in a bad mood for days. So I'm constantly bracing myself, expecting the worst.. which doesn't always happen. But this is how they maintain power isn't it, by keeping us on edge so we don't have a chance to think about anything else.

[losingmyself]

So, when their excuse is that it's a disorder, and they can't help what they're saying, that's a total line of bs because they are experts at controlling themselves. Probably better than I am, I never know when not to act like a total dope!!
And, yes CBS, I never know what to expect. There have been times that I had to deliver bad news, and expected him to blow up, and he didn't. I bet that was a control thing, like, "See? You never know when it's coming"
As a matter of fact, he couldn't find the lens cleaner wipes last night and was more upset because he was sure that DD took the whole box when she was here last week. And that I said she didn't.

They were in a different closet. But he was still mad.

[SeaBreeze]

Yes. These are the different masks narcs and other PDs wear. Granted we all wear masks to an extent, such as professional office behavior versus hanging out with family at home. But PDs wear masks to cover abhorrent behavior and/or manipulate others, then let the facade slip in private to we "lucky" chosen nons who see what lurks under the mask. I think the differing behaviors can also be used to triangulate us against other people.

[Hazy111]

Non PDs dont alter their selves to the company they are in, because they are secure in themselves.

Real narcs weigh themselves up against who they are talking to. They put them in boxes. "Splitting" . Superior or Inferior. Rarely equal.

More tell tales you see more you cant unsee.

[Boat Babe]

Oh yes, and they can switch from nasty (to you) to nice (to someone else) in a heartbeat.

This indicates that they are not being abusive because of overwhelming emotional states, precisely because they can switch it off and on. It is a choice they are making.  A very calculated choice to hurt another human being who is in their personal sphere.

Chilling when you look at it that way.

[SonofThunder]

H almost got into a fist fight with a guy at work yesterday. H corrected him on something and the co worker started calling him names, and actually pulled his fist back, like was going to hit him.
Now, this is from H, so I don't know how much of the story is true. However, I am sure there was some kind of unpleasant altercation. Like, how did H correct him, and was he being his usual as--- self?  Thing is, he was sort of still mad after work, and then didn't seem to give it another thought.
On the other hand, I have seen him get more upset about the amount of toilet paper that DD used, and he has stayed up nights because he was so upset because he thought he saw then 14, maybe, yo DD roll her eyes at a comment he made.
Is it that we're held to a greater standard?  Is it that those things threaten his control? And he doesn't have any need to control the guy at work??
Just another behavior I have noticed

Hello losingmyself,

You wrote " Is it that we're held to a greater standard?".  I believe the answer is yes. 
I have a theory of 'concentric circles of relationship' in the life of a PD person.  This is my own theory and I experience it with the three PDs who have been in my life for 50+ years. 

The most inner first circle experiences the most harsh treatment due to the intimate close relationship and extreme privacy.  For married partners, the most inner circle is the spouse. So for example, if your father were a PD, your mother would be the only person in the most inner circle and experience the most harsh, most extreme manipulation/control.   If the PD is your husband, then you are the most inner circle. 

The next circle out is the children in this nuclear family group.  This second circle experiences similar conditions, but not as intense as the most inner first circle.  In my case, with my wife being the PD, and I have 2 children, my adult children did not experience the same intensity of harsh, manipulating, controlling behaviors that I experienced.  But, the treatment was still very difficult. 

The third circle is just outside the nuclear family and will be the siblings and parents of the PD.  The third circle experiences less intense than the second circle and in many cases much less frequent and the true hiding of the PD's behavior begins. 

The fourth circle begins the reversal/facade of the PD's behaviors, and consists of coworkers, more distant family members and friends.  This group in the fourth circle only experience the 'idealization' first part if the 'IDD' (idealization, devaluation, discard) cycles that occur frequently with PD's...UNLESS there is an incident where the PD is challenged in a major way (and especially in front of an audience).  In this situation, the PD can sometimes come unglued and folks get to see behind the facade.  But, since it's so rare, it is assumed the PD isn't feeling well, has some stressful event in their lives or something else causing this rare occurrence.   *It is this type of rare event, that the first 2 circles have to ponder in privacy, the total hypocrisy of the life they live with the PD compared to those in the third and especially fourth circle.   

The last circle is the fifth circle and it is the general public, customers, etc.  Like the fourth circle, this group only knows the idealization part of the IDD cycles of a PD person and because the any conflicting situations are so rare, most in this circle don't experience any PD behavior. 

—————

In my life, I am the 1st circle with my uPDw, the 2nd circle with my uPDfather and the 3rd circle with my uPDsil.  My brother and I have a running joke that at my fathers funeral at his local church (the hypocrisy ha!), all the 3rd, 4th and 5th circle people attending (most of the crowd), will all be in tears at the loss of this generous, thoughtful, outgoing man, but my mother, my brother and myself (circle 1 and 2), will be hiding in the corner of the sanctuary doing shots in celebration at the loss of manipulation, control and harsh treatment of a total hypocrite. 

So, in conclusion, this is my opinion/answer to your question.  You are circle #1, your kids #2 and the coworker who challenged your PDh, #4, who has now learned that this man can trigger-flip off/on like a light switch and especially in a potential public setting, where the PD was challenged in front of an audience of peers/friends. 

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Very insightful Son of Thunder. Thanks.

[losingmyself]

SOT, you explained it perfectly.  Which shows complete control on their part, doesn't it?

[losingmyself]

 "This indicates that they are not being abusive because of overwhelming emotional states, precisely because they can switch it off and on. It is a choice they are making.  A very calculated choice to hurt another human being who is in their personal sphere.
Chilling when you look at it that way"

Boat Babe, yes!
It definetely shows a purposeful act on their part.
It is chilling, especially when you get that 'smirk'
But once you see it, it's really obvious, then like they say, knowledge is power. It goes directly to 'what am I going to do?' Because that's the only thing I have control over.

[SonofThunder]

SOT, you explained it perfectly.  Which shows complete control on their part, doesn't it?

Losingmyself, 

Yes, surely they have control.  I do though, truly have to remember that the most important focus of a PD is self and self regulation.  So therefore the 'control' you mention is required for them to self regulate and create the facade to hide behind. 

*Dr Ramani utilizes a concentric circle theory also but it's different in its subject, as it discusses the 'self' of a PD.  Her use of circles to explain concepts is great and so I'm borrowing the concentric circles to discuss my experiences with PD's in relation to other people in their sphere.

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

I always remind myself that my pdh knows how to act around others.

To a large extent its a choice.

[Fae Greenwood]

Sonofthunder, that is an excellent explanation. I've been the focus of my uNPDh's  irritation or outright anger for years. He actually has stated over the years that we had the best marriage of anyone around us when in fact I was desperately unhappy and jumping for joy when he had to go out of town.

Also my parents both had issues and when I heard the praises flow at my father's funeral, I actually stopped and looked around to check if I was in the right place.

[SonofThunder]

Sonofthunder, that is an excellent explanation. I've been the focus of my uNPDh's  irritation or outright anger for years. He actually has stated over the years that we had the best marriage of anyone around us when in fact I was desperately unhappy and jumping for joy when he had to go out of town.

Also my parents both had issues and when I heard the praises flow at my father's funeral, I actually stopped and looked around to check if I was in the right place.

Fae Yes!  Growing up, our family was the 'perfect family' to everyone in circle 3-5, and they did not know anything about the manipulative, controlling, verbal, emotional and financial abuse happening to my mother and us 2 boys at the hand of this uNPD father who was very successful in business and a church/town council /county government leader...Total hypocrisy. 

To this day, nobody knows the abuse my mother puts up with.  I liken it to a cult;  she's so used to it after 60+ years of marriage,  she refuses to recognize it, and comes up with excuses for his behavior and moves along to another day of the same thing. 

Back to losingmyself's original post, I do not believe that PD's have to think a great deal about their different levels of treatment/experiences for each of my 5 circles.  All the PD's in my life are highly skilled manipulators and radar-high 'noticers'.  They can spot a tone of voice, facial response, delay in speech etc.. and it immediately sends their internal self-alarms off to begin questioning or adjusting their action/reactions to keep the focus on achieving goals for circles 1 and 2 and keeping the facade in place for circles 3-5. 

But, in losingmyself's example, the #4 circle coworker challenged the PD (and if in public, the intensity of the PD response is exponential) and the PD's facade came down enough to overpower the challenger, and then the facade wall was put back in place.  I believe it comes naturally and just flows for the underdeveloped minds of these PD individuals, just like it does for children. 

SoT