Fear of abandonment is a self fulfilling prophecy for PDs?

[outofDEN]

The wrath of a PD who thinks you are abandoning can be cruel and barely based in reality, and the expectations for what would be considered not abandoning them are usually not realistic.

Has anyone noticed the behavior, accusations, and insults that result from triggering a PD to thinking you are abandoning them actually is the same behavior that requires one to put boundaries in place and distance oneself from them? It is like they causing their pain and creating the reality they are afraid of.

[Aeon]

Oh, yes, I have noticed that this is self-fulfilling and (like most PD behaviour) makes no sense in the least. My uAvpdH complains regularly about how I threaten to leave or divorce him, sometimes this is real, sometimes it's imagined but it never seems to meet up with years of abuse in his mind. It's the, "How dare you do that horrible thing to me!" and devoid of any understanding of why. After years of letting me know that I do not matter to him and outright telling me that he is ambivalent about the marriage.
If I leave him then it makes him right about how people are innately jerks that are out to get him (including me, of course) so I think it might serve that purpose but they don't much study avoidants so that's just my guess.

[SeaBreeze]

The first few years after uNPDh and I moved in together, he would randomly get triggered and either rage at me, or shut me out (or shut me out after raging) because he was convinced I wanted to leave, didn't love him, didn't want him around, wanted to kick him out, hated him, wanted another man, already had another man, etc etc. Of course I took the bait, bending over backwards to prove my love and loyalty. Exasperated, I actually told him, more than once,  the words you've used here: that his self-sabotage would become *self-fulfilling prophecy* if he continued treating me that way! It took nearly two decades, but I've indeed checked out of this marriage emotionally and mentally, with an exit strategy in place to eventually remove myself physically as well. Self-fulfilling prophecy indeed.

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband had a big blow-up with PD mil a few months ago. His brother had just died, and one of the things she said was, "Well, I guess I'll just be the mother who has one dead son and one estranged son!" He had not threatened estrangement, but her behavior sure warranted it. It was almost like she was begging for it. The last thing she said before hanging up was, "Well, I don't want ANYTHING from you." The very next day she was back a-hoovering.

I think they're often walking a tightrope with it. If they treat you so poorly that you SHOULD abandon them, then you must really love them to stay. If they push you far enough that you do leave, then it's, A-ha! I was right all along! Everyone abandons me!

It's another win-win PD game. If you stay, validation. (Look how much they love me!) If you leave, validation. (No one loves me! I'm a victim!)

[Aeon]