EX MIL Games

[Adria]

15 years ago my ex MIL sent my daughter a classified ad for a job trying to lure my daughter to move down by her.  My daughter got the job, too good to turn down, so I gave my daughter the okay to take it.  My ex MIL has had my daughter for 15 years.  Ex MIL always acted like my daughter was her daughter and I was just an extra on the side. 

Dh and I have decided to move where daughter is and our grandchildren.  I have always been kind to ex MIL and have been kind to her since we have moved down by her and my daughter. 

As of late, I'm noticing by things my daughter is saying, that ex MIL is triangulating us.  Even lying about things between my daughter and me.  She's playing phone games between us and portraying herself one way to my daughter and duping me on the other side.  Also, playing cat and mouse games with me.  Duping me in subtle ways, and then when I don't call her as often as I used to, she calls and leaves messages about how much she loves me and misses me.

I've been trying to stay connected to all involved for my daughter's sake.  After all, her grandmother has been with her for the past 15 years and I have been miles away. However, it is getting to the point where I almost feel like cutting MIL off. I don't need to spend my energy playing this stupid games and thinking about her all the time. 

I would rather spend my time and energy renewing my relationship with my daughter.

Any suggestions. I'm not good at this kind of thing.  In my mind I keep making excuses for ex MIL because I want to keep the peace.

[notrightinthehead]

Can you have an open, honest conversation with your daughter? Or are you worried this will push your daughter away?

[treesgrowslowly]

I'll share my 2 cents.

If your daughter is an adult now then she will have to see that her relationship with her grandmother doesn't mean you have to be close with grandmother. Its healthy for adults in a family to have different levels of contact.

If your daughter doesn't want you to have boundaries with this ex MIL then you may want to think about the stuff in the toolbox on this site around dealing with FOG. You're not obligated to stay buddies with this ex MIL are you?

If it were me I would keep ex MIL at arms length.

Trust yourself. If someone is triangulating you...trust your gut.

I just think that in the long run you will want to keep your relationship with your daughter as something you maintain with her.  and not try to give this ex MIL too much now that your gut is telling you she's triangulating you. Think carefully about what ex MIL wants from you and trust your gut.

Trees

[Adria]

Notrightinthehead,

My daughter and I went out last night, and my daughter actually brought it up.  Much to my surprise, because yes, I've been afraid mentioning anything would push her away. She told me she is very disappointed with her grandparents lately.  So, maybe she is seeing more than she lets on.  It kind of gave me the okay to start distancing myself.  It's very difficult for me because, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, but lately there have been too many instances stacking up to turn a blind eye.  It's almost as though when ex MIL knows she has pushed it too far, I get a phone call from her telling me how much she loves me and she hasn't heard from me for awhile, please call her.  Then I feel bad and usually call. But, I don't think so anymore.

[Adria]

Thank you Trees,

I needed to read what you posted.  I always take too much cr@p just to keep the peace. I'm learning that ex MIL is pretty sneaky and manipulative, and from the couple things my daughter said last night, I think my daughter is starting to see it too. Thank goodness!  You are right. I will be keeping her at arms length from here on out, and I will also check the toolbox. I always forget the toolbox

[Cat of the Canals]

I wouldn't be surprised if distancing yourself amps up the triangulation games. If you feel it's appropriate, you might want to give your daughter a heads up (assuming you haven't already). Something very gentle/neutral, like, "I'm getting a lot of mixed signals from ExMIL lately, and I think I need to step back from the relationship for a while to get some clarity. I just wanted you to know what's happening, in case she approaches you about it. This is between me and her, and I don't want you to feel like you're being put in the middle."

That way, if she tries to play any "Adria is so cruel to me!" games, your daughter hopefully knows to take it with a grain of salt.

[Adria]

Wow, thanks Cat!

I think you are spot on. I will take your excellent advice and say to my daughter what you suggested.  Ex MIL called again this morning and left a syrupy sweet message on my phone with all the cutesy voice inflections of someone who knows she's pushed it too far.  Trying to put a guilt trip on me, hopes to see me, hopes my house is coming along fine, she's stopping by my daughter's tomorrow and hopes she will see me there, etc.  Gosh! She sounds so sincere, but I don't think I can trust her anymore.  I also probably need to keep in mind that she's done some pretty horrible things between me and my kids years ago when we all lived in the same town, but I guess I was hoping we could all be past that and maybe times have changed.  But, maybe times haven't changed.

Like I said, I'm not good at these games.  My upbringing always placed the blame on me and I always had to fix things, scapegoated all my life.  So I usually do anything I can to keep the peace.  I'm getting older now, and just plain don't have the energy for this stuff anymore.  I would have taken care of ex MIL in her old age, she doesn't have anyone else when her husband dies, but enough is enough.