Did you tell others about their abuse or NPD?

[allsaints]

I dumped my ex during the pandemic. I haven’t seen or spoken to mutual friends because I’ve been socially distancing since then. As people get vaccinated, they’re beginning to venture out and reach out to me. I’ve reconnected with one friend (who I met through the ex) and she asked about our break up. I didn’t know what to say.

On the one hand, this is a friend of his as well. I don’t want to trash talk him to his friends. I also doubt any of his friends would believe me (he’s well respected as a doctor and has a reputation for being a sensitive nice guy).

On the other hand, I’m inclined to speak the truth: I dumped him bc he treated me very poorly. Abusively. During our relationship, I never mentioned who he was behind closed doors (he’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde) bc of a strong sense of loyalty and general reluctance to “air dirty laundry.” However, this is one factor that kept me in that toxic relationship for so long. Everyone kept reinforcing what a “great” guy he is and how “lucky” I was to be with him. I was the only witness to his abuse, to my knowledge.

I’m angry now that I felt compelled to protect his image. To help him continue to hide how ugly he is behind his facade. Mad that I nodded along as his friends spoke highly of him to me, about how “kind” he is, after he’d just screamed at me and insulted me with the most vile language, in privacy. Chased me down the street calling me a fucking retard over and over. Threatened to kick me out of our house, etc.

Men like him, who champion women publicly but abuse them privately, get away with bad behavior for decades, in part, because so many women are afraid to talk about their experiences. (And for good reason).

So how do you handle inquisitive friends of the now severed relationship? Especially when they offer condolences for the relationship ending (um, thank god I ended it!) Do you share your actual experience or say it just didn’t work out?

I know my ex would deny any abuse. Like most abusive men, he doesn’t think he’s abusive. He flipped out when the therapist HE encouraged me to see explained abusive relationships to me and suggested he is abusive. I also know my ex is telling people it “just didn’t work out”  and we “just fought too much.” He also kept initiating overly cordial and friendly contact with me for nearly a year after I left him (I ignored most of his communications) and believes we split amicably.

[notrightinthehead]

I made the experience that in the beginning even my friends did not believe me when I told them about the abuse. I had been an accomplice for too long and kept the secret.  I am  three years out, have no contact to his friends at all, medium chill and grey rock all the way, should I happen to run into anybody who is friends with him.  When I talk with my friends and they share relationship stories, I truthfully share mine, only to be met with awkward silence, they believe me now but they don't know what to say. It is not expected to be like that. Relationships are not supposed to be like that. They don't understand why I let myself to be treated like that for such a long time. They don't want to be critical of me but they just can't relate. Only people who have been through something similar truly understand. And I have found a group of Codependents where I feel I can share freely. Maybe there is a  group of survivors of domestic violence in your area or an Online group you could join in addition to all the lovely people on this forum who get it.

[GettingOOTF]

No one believed me. People who haven’t been through it simply don’t want to believe people they know are capable of such things.

That, and my ex sewed the seeds of me being the crazy and abusive one.

Today I’m not in touch with any “mutual” friends. I’m also NC with my family. It was a lifetime in the making but the final straw was when they refused to cut contact wi to my ex who was using them to stalk and harass me.

I even had to end some of my friendships over this.

I find that even people I meet today don’t believe me. They accuse me of not remembering correctly. I don’t discuss my marriage with anyone now.  This is why I always believe women when they say what happened for them. I’ve been there and people didn’t believe me.

Honestly my life is better with out them. I have come to see that PDs are friends with a certain type of person - a type of person they can manipulate. Abusers tend to be quite charming with others. This is part of what allows them to abuse.

Now I’m mostly “healed” I have cultivated different relationships. My life has zero drama going on and I surround myself with people who are much make supportive.

When people gave me condolences I said “thank you” or “it was my choice” depending. Most people won’t pry further and it’s a red flag when they do.

[allsaints]

Yeah, these experiences sound like the likely outcome.

It reminds me of when I was on vacation with this group of mutual friends. One of the women (I'll call Anne), was recounting a relationship that ended between two other friends (Bob and Mary). I never met Mary, bc she left the group after ending things with Bob. Anne said it's hard to be friends with Mary bc she talked poorly of Bob after they split, and claimed he treated her poorly. Anne says as much as she liked Mary (Bob and Mary dated 7 years) she's known Bob for decades, and there's no way he did the things Mary claimed. She believed Mary was either exaggerating or lying or misremembering events.

In the meantime, my ex had one of his worst "episodes" on this trip, and I spent a night locked in the bathroom after one of his rages. That's when I made up my mind to leave him when we returned home. I told Anne that you never really know what happens behind closed doors. That people can hide who they are from family and friends for a very long time. That many abusive people only reveal themselves to  romantic partners. Anne sort of brushed me off saying she just can't see it—there would have been clues if Bob was really as bad as Mary said he was.

I think I'll have to let these friends go.

[Stillirise]

The most I say to people who aren't 100% in my inner circle is something like what you said above.  Depending on to whom I'm speaking, I will say things like, most people are generally the same kind of person all the time, whether they are in public or private.  Others have a public facade, and behave very differently within the privacy of their own homes. My ex falls into the latter of those categories.  I typically leave it at that.  If there are follow-up questions, or I feel comfortable with the person, I will add that it was a tough, long-coming decision, and was in the best interest of myself and my children.  I rarely provide "supporting details."  We no longer have too many mutual friends, anyway. Most have chosen a lane at this point. I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation, and those who still choose to maintain a relationship with him will either see his true self eventually, or not. Either way, it's no longer my business.

[Prototypian]

My friends see my spouse as a pillar of the community which most people believe too.   My family sees her as mean and standoffish.   My closest friends and their wives all see her as a selfless public servant.

[LiftingFog]

In the early days after our separation, I had a canned response for mutual friends - "It wasn't meant to be, we're both much happier, and it's all good."  Very few people knew we had separated because we both weren't on social media at the time.  Plus, we were in the process of relocating to another state and no one really knew where we were!

Initially, I was embarrassed.  We had been married less than a year and were known as "the perfect couple."  Also, he had worked so hard on his image for nearly 40 years, I knew no one would believe me.

As time passed and more people found out, my embarrassment lessened and I confided in my close circle of friends, none of them mutual.  They were/are a great support system.  And then I confided in 3 mutual friends that I trusted.  This was maybe 4 months after we separated.  They were also supportive.

And then I got angry.  I didn't think it was fair to myself to protect him and his image.  By not telling friends the truth about what happened behind closed doors, I was hurting myself, as if I was denying my own truth.  So I started to share a little more of the truth with trusted mutual friends.  They all believed and supported me.

And then there were the mutual friends that were closer to him than they were to me.  Those friendships I ended because I couldn't accept their neutrality when it came to the abuse I received and I knew that these friends were part of my exes support system.  They would never believe me.  And rather than bending myself into a pretzel to convince them and get their validation, I just ended my friendship with them.  I feel so much better for it too, because I knew they would be flying monkeys and report back to my ex on me.

[Fae Greenwood]

I am still married for 37 years to my uNPDh, but I too have shared my story with a few chosen friends or family. Most asked what I did to set off his rages. Others said that it didn't make sense and I must be remembering it wrong. No one had any advice or support for me because truly, what could they do? We apparently were a nice little family in a nice house in a nice community living nice lives. We were nice and nice people take care of themselves. I was telling them that we weren't nice after all.

One in particular stood out. She was the first i"d ever told about the rages and public humiliations. She and her husband were couple friends from church. She listened carefully to me and seemed to accept what I'd told her. I felt a wave of relief that at least now someone else knew the truth. She met with me again two weeks later and told me that she'd been thinking about what I'd told her and she'd been watching my husband's behavior. She told me that I'd lied to her, that there was no way what I told her could be true, and after that we were casual acquaintances at best. Then a few years later my husband and I were at a store like Target or WalMart. I'd learned by then to avoid going into stores alone with my husband as he loved to take me into stores like that and then scream at me and make a scene. He didn't do that when the kids were with us. If I responded at all he increased his abuse. If I left the store, he trailed me screaming abuse. The best thing was to put my hands on the shopping cart handle, look down, be still, and wait it out. Somehow he'd manipulated me into the store and of course I was careful to be quiet, not to make a request or comment, to cooperate with any suggestion he made, but he always acted out. On this particular day, he began to let loose. Perhaps 3 seconds later, we heard a woman step into the aisle and say "well hello." It was my erstwhile friend. She was agog to see what was happening. My husband was embarrassed because he'd been caught out by someone he knew while he was ramping up his verbal attack on me.  I was the only one of us three who'd done nothing wrong and actually began to see the humor in it. Both of them were jerks. On the way out of the store, I chatted to my husband about how often I ran into people I knew when I was running errands. The local public displays mostly ended after that. Some time later I ran into this lady at church and she asked me if that was what I'd been talking about. I looked her straight in the eyes and said that what he was doing in that store was mild compared to the rages at home. I've never spoken to her since.
X
What I learned from that and others is that people don't want to know the ugly truth about the lives of their friends. They don't want to know the truth about your ex. They don't want to know that this man they like is cruel and vicious like a mad dog. They don't want to know the ugly that dwells in their comfortable community. They don't want to believe that someone just like them, and you are just like them, could be preyed upon, stalked and attacked in their midst. It must be your fault because if it is not your fault, then it could happen to them too. I've learned to not talk about my truth at all which is why this group is such a relief. Perhaps just saying that people are often different in private and it wasn't a healthy relationship for either of you may be best when it's a mutual friend. You can always tell them more later.  And congratulations on getting out.

[11JB68]

I started selectively sharing with friends. I know there are different opinions on this. I felt I had to, since I was starting to consider leaving and knew I'd need a support network.
One friend basically said that it made a lot of things make sense and began encouraging me to leave, labeled Updh behavior as abuse. Her partner cleared a room for me in their house just in case, and told her that he never understood why I was with Updh
Most people that I've told are supportive and understanding, some mildly surprised. I guess I've been very lucky in this regard

[pushit]

For me there was certainly a period of time (while still in the marriage) when I was trying to get others to see it.  Mainly my family and our marriage counselor.  My family supported me 100% as they'd witnessed odd behavior from my exPDw and were starting to ask me questions about her, but sadly she charmed the marriage counselor into believing everything was my fault so that part of it was a failure.  I eventually opened up to some friends about it after the divorce was initiated, but I didn't bother talking about it to mutual friends or people that would be on her side.  My close friends supported me, I went straight to minimal contact with her side. 

You'd be surprised at how many people see something wrong with the PD, once you're Out of the FOG.  Most won't say anything, but I had casual acquaintances approach me after the divorce and come right out and say how they always thought something was off with my ex. 

I think at the root of it we are seeking validation that we weren't really the problem all along, because it's so common that we've been brainwashed by the PD into thinking everything was our fault.  There's nothing wrong with seeking that validation to a certain degree, on some level it helps us sort out things.  At a certain point it's not worth chasing validation with everyone, some will take the PD's side no matter what you say.  I've found that over time the need for validation fades, just like the drama over the divorce fades and the breakup is just a fact of life. 

At this point I don't talk much about my ex, life is more peaceful when I keep her and her drama at a distance.  I think the best way for others to learn about them is just to experience it themselves.  In my case, I am observing the same patterns still playing out with her family and friends, but from a distance.  If they want to wake up to what's going on they will need to figure it out themselves, I have no desire to jump back on the roller coaster.

[blunk]

I initially confided in a family member, and that was only after I had made the decision to divorce. I chose this particular family member because her spouse has had some (less serious) mental health issues. She was very understanding and supportive, though somewhat shocked by some of the details. I shared a bit with coworkers who had noticed a change in my behavior, and actually suspected that I was having health issues. They were also very supportive,

As for friends, I had long since lost all of the friends I had when we met. The only ones left were his friends, or their wives, and I was not particularly close to any of them. A couple of his friends reached out to me early on, one saying that if bpdxh was being sh!tty that's on him, and he wouldn't take his side. I left it at that and kept my distance, I wasn't comfortable sharing any details, as he was the type who would want to be "fair" and get both sides of the story. And, well, you know how that goes with a PD.

Initially, I kept some mutual friends, and some members of a club we belonged to, as social media contacts. At one point bpdxh showed up randomly to my house when I was leaving for work, asking about a trip I had taken. He knew where I went, so it's not like he just happened to drive by and saw that my vehicle was gone. At that point, I cut contact with anyone who was a mutual acquaintance, since I had no way of knowing who had shared the information. There are a couple of people I think of once in a while, and wonder how they're doing, but it's not worth possibly putting myself back on his radar.

[Boat Babe]

Such an interesting thread. There's a lot of variety in the responses people are getting when they disclose abuse. I wonder if that is cultural to a certain extent?

It's certainly the case that if you disclose to a fellow survivor, the complete acceptance of what you say and the validation of your experience is immediate. I recently had such a conversation with a colleague. It was her telling me about her ongoing, absolute nightmare with her ex-husband and me believing every word she said. I told her she was an amazing woman at the end of her story.   Had I not had personal experience of that level of malice and madness, I'm not sure I would have believed her, so outrageous was/is this man's atrocious behaviour.

In terms of the national conversation about domestic abuse in this country, the UK, we seem to go a few steps forward and then back again. More people are aware of issues like coercive control these days, but not enough.

[JustKeepTrying]

The divorce became final just before the first lockdown.  32 years to OCPDxh.

I am grateful for the pandemic in some aspects because I saw no one.  Less than a handful for about a year.  So now that life is opening up and we are getting vaxxed and becoming more social, I expect most people will ignore me.  They know in my little homogenous suburb community that I am persona non grata because my ex is so kind and great - the divorce is my fault!  My own sister just couldn't grasp it - it took several phone calls and an in-person visit before she got it.  A few close friends knew to trust me.  Just a few - like three.  But other's - those people you see and stop and chat with - how is Johnny?  How was your vaca?  Nope.  And it's hard because there are days I want to yell and point and say "This guy is abusive!  Just like all those lifetime movies - it's happens and it was right next door!"

I don't care.  I lived here longer than anywhere else in my life and I have never felt at home.  So when DS goes to college, I'm gone.

But in the meantime, I agree with all of you.  Little to no comment and if they ask red flags.

I feel all of you.  So many people I thought were friends just faded away.  No support.  No reaching out.  My name changed on social media, I disappeared from the neighborhood, surely someone noticed.  No one asked.

But then, now looking back, they weren't real friends, were they?

[carnation5]

I can really relate to this struggle. I haven't been able to be fully open with our mutual friends because it will only reflect poorly on me. I will be the person that drags their ex through the mud and makes up stories. Also, he never showed his darker side to anyone but me. He has a lovely outward persona that is caring, endearing and funny. All our mutual friends would describe him as "funny, guarded, something is off with social relatability but he means well and he is really interesting to talk to". So if I would present an alternative world view they would probably just suffer from dissonance and forget about it. They would explain it with "he is just socially awkward".

I just have to accept that I can only disclose the difficult parts with therapists and non-mutual friends. I try to think that eventually reality will catch up and people will start seeing a pattern. He will come dragging with a new girlfriend and somehow it will also be a mess. Somehow she will also break down and leave. With time I hope that his behavior catches up to him and it becomes apparent without me having to disclose anything. At least I can hope