Looking forward to no contact - am I a bad person?

[starrynight29]

Hey guys,

I've been listening to a lot of videos and podcasts about going NC compared to VLC including videos thinking about what your life would be like after going NC and I honestly feel so much emotional weight lifting off of me.
I haven't gone NC yet as I'm giving my BPDm one last chance to see if she actually takes my ultimatum on board.

But I feel horrible because I'm actually looking forward to the day she blows up again - am I a bad person?

P.S. I don't know how to reply to responses on my posts so if someone could please let me know how! Also thank you for all the advice on my other post!

[lightworld]

Hi starrynight29

I'd say you are not a bad person you are stugg!ing with a very difficult decision and trying to take care of yourself. It sounds to me like you are recognising that you don't have to take abuse from anyone and that you have the choice as to who you have contact with. So far, so human!

I totally get your fear of being a bad person for going NC I went through similar feelings, but taking care of yourself is sensible and necessary and putting yourself first is OK. I know we are often taught by PDs that they should be the centre of our world but that's simply not true and we can make our decisions based on what is right for us. I wish you all the best for the future whatever you decide. It's not an easy road but in my case NC has led to peace and freedom that I never dreamed possible.

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[Adria]

No, you are not a bad person.  NC is not an easy decision or one to be taken lightly.  By the time we reach that point, we have gone through so much, that it's the only thing that makes sense to do anymore to save our sanity and wellbeing. 

The only thing is, is NC is not easy.  It does come with a cost.  Many times, feelings of loneliness, questioning, and unresolved emotional issues can rear their ugly head.  It takes a lot of strength and resiliency to handle the unexpected feelings that can arise.  It's kind of like you get relief from one end and then step into a totally new arena. 

However, that said, most of us here have found it to be well worth it.  Just be aware that it can be very tricky to navigate in your mind sometimes, but we are here for you.  Wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

[moglow]

Speaking from my own ledge here - If you're "looking forward to it," you're not ready for the realities. It's not real for you, it's not a "I cannot and will not do this to myself anymore." Ultimatums rarely ever work on anyone, PD or not. It's a challenge. That makes it sound tit for tat, trivializes it.

No one looks forward to or wants this. The reality is, no contact is an incredibly painful and heart breaking decision overall. When that happens you've done and tried everything you can and 16 other things that made no sense, and there's no looking forward to that last straw.

I get it - you want a "THIS" moment. As in THIS is why we can't do this anymore and why I can't go back. More often than not, it seems everyone who closes that door doesnt slam it. They close it quietly and with sadness. There's an immediate relief then "what have I done" and doubts still to work through.

I suspect you have things left to do here, for yourself. Once you do you won't need an event, you'll be truly done. That doesnt make you a bad person, but rather one who is lost trying to find their way.

[Leonor]

Hi Starry,

I think it's normal - healthy - to feel good about lowering the stress and anguish in your life.

You're not bizarre or uncaring or ignorant; you're considering possibilities of a happier life. By protecting yourself from abuse.

Here's the thing: you have suffered enough. You deserve it NOW. You don't have to wait for one more abusive episode to have the "right" to say "Enough." You don't have to take it just one more time, just a little bit more.

Abusers abuse. That is how they do. It will happen. You might not know how or when, but it will. Why sit around and wait for it? Why torment yourself with the anxiety of the when or the how?

You are the most important person in *your* life. Why does mom get to decide when you're done being abused? Why is it up to someone else, and someone who does not have your best interest in mind?

You don't need an excuse. The previous years of your life are the excuse. You don't need a reason. The pain you feel is the reason. You don't need a new plan. The freedom you feel at the thought of ending the relationship is your plan.

This is a person who was incapable of being kind to a little child. Why should you,as an adult, continue to force that same little child to spend time with that person?

I agree with Moglow, by the way. NC is hard and it's excruciating, because that same little child will experience a deep deep sadness and confusion about why the adult you won't let her see her mommy. The highs of freedom comes with the valleys of sadness and the fog of grief.

But that's where you are now. The confusion, the waiting, the maybe-this-time.

You can do a secret NC. For the next two or three hours, say, you are officially NC. No one has to know. It can just be a space to experience it. Notice how you feel, what you sense in your body.

Give yourself permission to live without abuse.

[starrynight29]

Speaking from my own ledge here - If you're "looking forward to it," you're not ready for the realities. It's not real for you, it's not a "I cannot and will not do this to myself anymore." Ultimatums rarely ever work on anyone, PD or not. It's a challenge. That makes it sound tit for tat, trivializes it.

No one looks forward to or wants this. The reality is, no contact is an incredibly painful and heart breaking decision overall. When that happens you've done and tried everything you can and 16 other things that made no sense, and there's no looking forward to that last straw.

I get it - you want a "THIS" moment. As in THIS is why we can't do this anymore and why I can't go back. More often than not, it seems everyone who closes that door doesnt slam it. They close it quietly and with sadness. There's an immediate relief then "what have I done" and doubts still to work through.

I suspect you have things left to do here, for yourself. Once you do you won't need an event, you'll be truly done. That doesnt make you a bad person, but rather one who is lost trying to find their way.

Hi Moglow,

Thank you for the advice! I'm definitely building it up in my head and I didn't mean to be disrespectful to anyone else sorry!

I've been toying with NC for quite a while but I'm finding it a bit difficult at the moment because my BPDm can be really sweet and asking about my life here and then telling me I'm ignoring her, that if she hurt herself it would be my fault I'm selfish all because I couldn't pick up the phone there.
Like you said I think I'm more looking forward to not having that weight on me any more but I haven't really been thinking long term. Can I ask how you went about making your NC decision? (Of course only answer if you want!). I'm worried that if I don't have a 'blow up' moment then my family can say 'well you just cut her off for no reason and she did nothing wrong you're being mean and she's been crying' whereas if I have a fight where she's horrible again I can kind of say well that's why. I don't know it's all a bit messy

I think I've come to the 'excited' area because when I think of my wedding or my first child I think 'oh my god am I going to have to invite my mum. I don't want to she's going to make everything worse' etc etc and I guess that was my lightbulb moment of 'why am I continuing this?'.

Thank you again for your advice! ❤️

[ArmadilloKate]

I can relate to this feeling if wanting her to be mean so you can point and say "see!"

My own BPDm is not mean. I can never point to something that could objectively and on it's own be cause for me to abandon her. Nothing that could easily be explained to others where they could go "oh...I get it."

What she does though is cruel and what your mom does to you is cruel and you have a right to protect yourself from that abuse.

[moglow]

Have you considered taking a step back, limiting or eliminating contact for a while, to see how you feel? Maybe you already have? For me, it had to become not "what will people say???" But "I just can't do this anymore, I can't pretend for anyone." There wasn't An Event but rather Chinese water torture of one thing on top of another on top of another. It never stopped for long, and when it did let up I knew some random something would set off another shitstorm I didn't even know was brewing out there.

Leonor made a good point - that little kid inside you is going to struggle. They have expectations of "mother" and many of us have battled that all our lives. We're told over and over what mother is and she's everything and she's the only one we'll ever have and one day she'll be gone etc etc. We're told that and compare to our realities of missing her already, all the tears we've shed- and it's harsh.

Starry, I fought this for a long time, still fighting shame that I'm not strong enough after all these years. BUT I don't dread phone calls now, I doubt seriously she'd try and I don't plan to. I actually spoke with her Saturday (after I said I wouldnt!) and it would have been funny if it weren't so damn sad. It confirmed everything for me and then some. I absolutely did the right thing, both in trying to talk to her and in ending that relationship. She's entrenched in a darkness, spite and ugliness I want no part of. And for the first time, I've not been sick since. No headaches or stomach upset, no laying in bed ruminating through the night, no anger. Just ... Peace.

[Cat of the Canals]

I can relate to this feeling if wanting her to be mean so you can point and say "see!"

My own BPDm is not mean. I can never point to something that could objectively and on it's own be cause for me to abandon her. Nothing that could easily be explained to others where they could go "oh...I get it."

Yep. Though PDmom can sometimes be mean, it's rare. I do find myself almost wishing sometimes that she'd cross the line again so I could just be done. But I appreciate moglow's sentiment that I'm not being realistic about what that would mean. Deep down, I know that's true. (And I also think that even if she never crossed the line again, I would be fully justified in going NC, if I decided that's what's best for me.)

[Andeza]

Lots of good advice here. In my experience, we went NC not because of an event or tipping point or singular crossed boundary, but because I realized that the relationship was not healthy and could never be healthy so long as she accepted her own state of mental illness as an acceptable normal. The more work I do, the farther and farther any chance of breaking NC becomes. I harbor less and less desire to pursue that relationship in any fashion, as I would be only pursuing disappointment and the return all the abuses and stressors that arise from her being uBPDm.

It's a very personal decision. One that many people do and do not understand. Many see it as strength, others as weakness. And many that attest to understand where we are truly never will. Like my MIL. Who was once "NC" with her own uHPDm. Who, knowing that I am NC with my uBPDm, still occasionally asks how is she doing, as though I would know. It's these odd questions that launch a revisit of the decision, which is always quickly reaffirmed, but it still means my mind has gone there and looked at that and considered it again from a place of greater healing and understanding.

In the end, maybe you've already decided. Maybe you just need to accept your own decision and begin the journey, whatever it looks like and however long it ends up being... I can't say for sure. I don't live in your shoes after all. I do hope you find the peace you need and deserve though.

[Dandelion]

*starrynight* waiting for your mother to "blow up" seems to me you are waiting for some final vindication that you can do no more to keep the relationship going?  Its like you are anticipating - this time - seeing her behaviour - with your FULL AWARENESS goggles on and thus anticipating your final decision to distance or say 'fairwell'?  You may also be wanting to give her ONE more chance, knowing full well it won't be long before she blows her chance anyway, but you feel duty-bound(?) to do this, knowing it will happen eventually.  Finally, I suspect you are anticipating the RELIEF on the other side of it, which I think is a positive thing!   I do so hope you get the peace and relief you are looking for. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Starry - I think you have gotten great replies to your post. I just wanted to say that , no, I do not think you are a bad person at all for wanting NC. I think it may just mean you are recognizing the source where perhaps you have been wounded and are seeking relief. It is the desired state of peace and emotional safety that perhaps you are looking forward to.
The aspect of having one more confrontation whereby you can then have tangible evidence to point to for your reason of going NC is something I can ruminate over endlessly. I just think do whatever will give you the most sense of calm. Sometimes I think it helps for me to know in my mind that I told them, but then still fell unsettled because they respond with "it was just that one time". Whatever you want to do I believe is alright. Wishing you strength and clarity.

[Hilltop]

Starry - no you are not a bad person for looking forward to her blowing up so you can go no contact.  I was there, I remember wanting something to happen, an argument, a fight, a comment anything so I could be upset and move on and go no contact, something as a reason, something to justify it.  However Moglow was right that it wasn't this moment that was my NC moment.  Needing a reason or justification for me to walk away, was really just me underneath not believing there was nothing left to do to fix things.  I wanted out but didn't really believe it was justified.  I was worried what my parents would think and what others would think. What I do think this was for me though was this was the start of my eyes really opening to how the relationship was making me feel, how unhealthy it was and how it was impacting me.  It was the start where I did move to NC.

I eventually reached that moment of NC and it was just a quiet acceptance within myself.  I removed myself, felt relief, then felt I had done the wrong thing and panicked and then somehow moved on.  I will say I do feel peace now and I don't feel guilty anymore.  When I finally settled down I still have moments of being disappointed but I've accepted it.

I spent a long time in that phase of not really believing it was bad enough for me to walk away.  Because there were some nice times I felt I had to stick it out because that's what you are suppose to do.  I think you are looking for that bad moment to justify it.  You don't really need that moment.   It really is that bad if you want to walk away. 

Only you know yourself and perhaps with that acting out one last time it will be the final moment for you however its accepting it underneath that is important.  I hope you find a way through.

[Fortuna]

I used to wait for that one big event that would 'justify' NC. Then I realized it wasn't my mom's style. She'd just keep on doing the thousand of things each time I had contact that made me feel small, belittled, less than. There would be guilt trips and she would put thoughts/words/actions on me I never thought/said/did, I would be compared to idealized people in her head, not even other real people. After a particularly brutal phone call that was all a lot of little things I knew waiting for the 'big' moment wasn't going to work. I needed to take care of my mental health and separate myself from her abuse now. I made my plan and after an already planned visit I went NC.

You are not a bad person for looking forward to peace, for not being constantly degraded and abused. This is what you should look forward to, the unfortunate thing is that the only way to get it is to stop being around the person delivering it. And honestly, my only regret is not doing it sooner. (All the annoyance I could have saved by doing it as we moved before she knew my next address.)