Living Arrangements

[Lauren17]

I'm planning on filing soon.  I'm nervous about living arrangements after we have The Talk.  We've been living separately, in the same house, for more than a year.   The rational part of me says this can continue until we get the legal property matters settled.  The frightened, emotionally abused part of me yells that we have to get out. 
H has never been physically violent, nor has he threatened.  He does lash out at me when he is hurt.  If he is sad, he makes sure I cry. If he is angry, he manipulates until I snap at him, etc.
I plan on having bags packed for DD and me and a place to stay for a couple of days, just in case the worst happens.  That's only a couple of days, though.
I'm asking my Out of the FOG support to share your stories with me.  Did you stay?  If you moved out, when?  What would you have done differently?

[stcroix1979]

Wishing you the best during a difficult time. I only left very recently, and everything still very much a fog, but my experience was an imperfect one (not that any is ideal I'm sure). Spent many months on an exit strategy but in the end a hurricane of a tantrum and the usual threatening behavior (e.g., whispering "kill" as he passes my room) led me to pack and leave in about a 24 hour period while he was gone. It was wrenching though I know it was the best of some very bad options. I wish you peace and joy and a safe departure if that's what you decided to do.

[PAY]

It was all very scary for me too, even though, like you, there was never any physical violence.  H's rages were enough to throw me emotionally into being 2 years old and feeling vulnerable.
I came Out of the FOG last year, slowly, slowly.  After 2 failed attempts at couples counseling and 2 sessions with a mediator sandwiched in between, we decided to file for divorce in December.  He had said he wanted the house. I'd been looking for a place to rent on and off from summer on and wasn't finding anything that would work.  So I stayed until I did find something and moved out March 1.  I worked really hard at MC and GR.  (And lots of Al-anon meetings).  He told me in January that he wanted me out by April 1.  Then when I found a place in February (while he was out of town), he flew into a rage about that--you know, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
No kids so that wasn't an issue (2 cats, though, that we split up)
Do I wish I'd done anything different?  If I'd left earlier, I might have saved some wear and tear on me and my mental health.  But that time just helped me to reinforce why I was leaving and get clear about it.  No doubt more FOG has cleared since I left-but I can sometimes get foggier cos I'm not seeing the cycling and rages and I get amnesia about how it actually was. (That's why checking in here is helpful, then and now).  Hope that helps you with your process.  Good luck.

[Stillirise]

We were in a similar in-home separation when I filed, living on separate floors.  It was during the early days of the COVID lockdown, so I knew it would take some time to sort out living arrangements.

I have a small cabin off the grid. I filed, loaded the kids up, called and told him on the way out of town, and stayed gone for several days.  That gave him time to process the reality of the situation. It was still a really rocky and terrible time for a couple months, until he moved out.  However, by letting him flail all over the map for a few days, with me having some distance, and very limited cell service, definitely helped the situation.

So, I definitely agree with getting out of town for a couple of days, and be prepared to stay gone even longer, if necessary! I did have a family member on standby, if a longer-term living arrangement was required.  It retrospect, I probably should have utilized that, but at the time, I felt I needed to be back home, to take care of things.  Best wishes to you!

[Bunnyme]

Your safety is #1.  Are you going to want any claim to the house in the divorce?  If so, speak with your attorney before leaving.  I agree that living together sounds like a nightmare, but in some cases and states, if you are the one to leave, you are saying you dont want the property.

[JustKeepTrying]

 

Twenty years ago a friend had to stay in an abusive situation in order to claim half the house but today in the same state if both names are on the papers then it doesn't matter.  I checked with a lawyer before I decided.  I asked if i could change the locks and was told that no - if I stayed he was allowed access because of the joint ownership.

So I left.  He left for work that morning and as soon as he was out of the driveway I packed the car.  Then I picked up my DS from school and we stayed with friends for the weekend.  I negotiated a cheap hotel rate and stayed for two weeks constantly searching for an apartment.  I was not able to put any money on joint cards so before I left I withdrew a ton of cash and that was taken out of the final settlement.  If you had asked me was he going to be violent, I would have said no but two days before I left he raged and punched the wall an inch from my face.  Scared me and if I had moved a fraction I would been hospitalized. 

While we are struggling now over the sale of the house, I do regret leaving because the house would provided some stability for my son.  But in the end, I'm OK with it.  Safety is your main concern.  Talk to a lawyer first so you know your rights.

[Bunnyme]

Exactly, justkeeptrying.  I'm not saying not to go by any means, but know your rights and what you are and are not permitted to do and the consequences of each choice so you can make an informed decision.  There have been some opportunities I missed because of things I did or didnt do along the way.