New manipulations

[TooLiteral]

It's always been relatively simple to anticipate my uNPDh's next moves. He follows a pattern that I can, in turn, follow. It's painful and traumatic but at least I know what to expect.

Suddenly he has gotten some information that is helping him manipulate me. And I don't know what to think.

We don't have sex. I can't. Because of old trauma, I can NOT be intimate with him when he has been devaluing or angry (which is daily.) He knows this. We have talked about him getting therapy. He says he will, doesn't, then goes on and on about how he feels like there is nothing wrong with him. I go to therapy 3 times a week bc of my own issues.

Recently, he told me that I am "withholding affection to punish him" for the things he does. That it is "manipulative" and "narcissistic." Ironic....

He has also been drawing attention to instances where he would have acted a certain way in anger but chose not to.
"I would have been angry just now but wasn't. Did you notice?"

Then today, he told me he didnt have the ambition to continue working (I am a stay at home mom and he works) because "getting rid" of his anger "killed [his] give a shit."

Is he trying to make me think he's going to therapy? Is he trying to show me he doesn't need therapy and that learning to deal with his anger in a healthy way is a BAD thing? I KNOW that he's still trying to guilt me into sex....

[sad_dog_mommy]

In my experience a person with a personality disorder will "bob and weave" to keep us non-PDs off balance.   My BPDexbf would use any trick in the book to manipulate or make me doubt myself.    I was able to reassure myself it was just another game by keeping a journal.   Writing down how I felt after a situation was helpful to get it off my mind and it gave me a sort of "historical record" of his patterns and mood cycle.   

You have probably heard this before but it's not you.   Living with a someone who has a personality disorder is exhausting and confusing.     Stay strong and keep working with your therapist.   (((hug)))

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi TooLiteral, this sounds like projection. He is accusing you of faults which he identifies in himself. It's so hard to listen to crap like this. Do you have friends or family to talk to? Keep reminding yourself of who you are. You are not the person he is trying to make you out as. You know in your heart it's all lies. You are a smart, warm-hearted, loving person- but you are being stifled under the cloud of his negativity and abuse.

I have had this same argument with stbxpdh many many times.. he berates me for lack of sex, moaning and guilt tripping.. I explain that I physically cannot be intimate with someone who doesn't speak to me, gives the ST, is unpredictable, moody, emotionally and verbally abusive. He scoffs at this, dismisses it as rubbish. But it's not rubbish! It makes perfect sense!

You're not alone. I felt exactly the same, as if my body had totally shut down as regards intimacy. This happens when your soul has been deeply wounded. Your reaction is perfectly normal. It's his coercion and demands which are not normal, and not reasonable at all.

[losingmyself]

I hear ya. I just can't feel intimate toward a person who devalues me every day. He counters this with telling everyone he talks to that sex stops when you're married, etc. People think he's kidding, but I know he's not. And I wonder if this is his idea of trying to guilt me into sex. Doesn't even make sense. Get me to have sex by embarrassing me in public, oohh, that'll do it! He's also very grabby, gropy, if that's a word. But he won't initiate when it's an appropriate time, like when we're in bed, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Then blames me for 'rejecting' him. He never asked!! Sorry, I ranted there.
I also have noticed that he's saying things that I learned from reading about narc. abuse. It is strange. And he says these things as though I do them. Apparently he's reading the same stuff I am. The other day, we saw some show where a couple was in couples therapy, and the therapist told the husband that he could say whatever he was thinking, and he yells out "She'll hold it against you!!!" As though he was a victim of such behavior. Not true.. I ignore
And, yes, pointing out how he's wonderful is a habit of his. "Did you notice that I did this?" Yeah, normal human behavior, woo hoo. I do, too, I just don't need to point it out.
So, you're not alone, as cagedbird said, they follow many of the same behaviors.
The good news about this is that you should be able to find helpful information to guide you through, and give you tips on countering this. And we're always here. I hope that your H doesn't quit his job. Maybe it was just something he said to give you a jolt. They do that a lot, too
Good luck

[1footouttadefog]

I think that they feel entitled to sex, they want it and will complain about not havi g it.  However when confronted with why they are not getting it, they are being forced to confront their own wrong doing.

Since they cannot accept quilt for their own behaviors, they choose to not have sex.

It's a vicious circle.  Protecting the inner person is more important. It's what drives them.

[ChristinaJH]

I agree with you, this is a form of manipulation. Sex should never be forced or out of guilt. Sex is a form of showing affection and love towards another person. It is not an obligation to be preformed. If you don't feel like sleeping with him, then it is your rightful choice. As well him going to therapy shouldn't be a bad thing, nor should it be a favor. If he truly wants to be with you and sees his wrong doings, he will gladly be going to therapy. If I truly get what I have done to a person,
I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I would be understanding and give the person as much times as he/she needs. If it would be the right thing, I would even let that person go, if I feel like I am damaging my loved ones. Don't feel guilty, his feelings are not your responsibility. As well everyone is handling their shit and still are able to go to work - stupid excuse!

[losingmyself]

1foot
YES! This is the perfect description.
Also, possibly his concern about his own physiological ability to follow through. If you know what I mean.
I do feel guilty, though, maybe it's more sadness. Because a marriage is supposed to include this, and he makes it impossible

[1footouttadefog]

Thought I would toss out there that  lot of times the ability to start but not finish is an indicaction of porn addiction.

The bate and switch where they want togetherness then change their mind sort of thing, can mean its actually a warm up before the computer games begin.