How do you know?

[Findingme1991]

A random thought I'd like to see everyone's opinion on.... My therapist says I don't have a personality disorder and she diagnosed me with PTSD And ADHD. But sometimes I worry that maybe everything he did was made up in my head or maybe I caused it somehow. When I logically walk through it with my mental health provider it's clear to me that this is the result of the gaslighting BUT what if I'm the one with issues and not him?! How do you truly know it's not you? I deff feel like I still have some residual reactive symptoms left but I'm trying to work through them. Im just so angry all the time.

[Bunnyme]

I'm glad that you have a therapist. I know mine has been a lifesaver.   I'm not sure how much actual advice I have, but I wanted to respond and say that your feelings are very normal.  I have questioned myself over and over and over on whether I was making too big of a deal out of things.  Re-reading my journals helped.  Now I question everything he does, and wonder if my past experience keeps.me from giving him a fair chance.  Not getting back together, but I mean in terms of things like questioning his motives over a particular text or automatically assuming he wont follow through on something.
However, time and time again, he confirms that his behavioral patterns arent changing.  Even a few glimmers of hope are quickly dulled.
All of that said, I know I wasnt a perfect wife.  I own my part of the breakdown of the marriage.  I am a codependent.  I also have issues with giving up control.  As far as the abuse, however, that's him.  The lies...him. 
I think you hit it on the head that years of gaslighting alter our ability to trust ourselves and our interpretations of experiences.

[pushit]

I've been there with you, I've questioned myself a million times over.  Less so nowadays as I'm out now, but even still it can be difficult with her family (enablers) intervening at times and making excuses for her behavior.  Whenever I feel like I should give her the benefit of the doubt as to her intentions I remind myself to pay attention to actions, not words.  The actions almost always point back to her being a problem to deal with.

The one consistent thing I've heard and read about personality disorders is if you are questioning yourself and wondering if you are the one with the problem, you almost certainly aren't.  PDs do not have the ability to self reflect on their own behavior and make changes.  I can confirm this is certainly the case with my exPDw, no matter what she does to the people around her it's never her fault, and she never takes ownership of her actions.  When she wrongs people, excuses are made to justify it, and she moves on as if nothing happened.

[stcroix1979]

I think about this all the time. According to him I am the narcissist, and a sociopath on top of that. I suppose my short answer is that while I have my part to be responsible in our relationship—I can be withholding, dishonest, emotionally unavailable etc.— my actions do not, in any way, indicate personality disorder. I recognize nuance in people and don't split. I don't require copious adulation. I love when people around me accomplish things and I congratulate them rather than sulk. I am not prone to seismic mood swings. I am not impulsive (or when I am, it is perhaps buying a little too much at TJMaxx, not spending $5,000 in an hour at a casino). It is such a trap and god bless you for even asking if you're a narcissist, because, while I am not a therapist, my sense is that they don't have the self-awareness to even question their condition.

[Findingme1991]

Thank you all for the replies. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one who questions this! I truly think that over the years I've picked up some of his tendencies. I can see them sometimes and have to think "Ok... this is not ok...". I'm doing a lot of research on narc abuse recovery but haven't found anything on this yet. Probably something I'll bring up with my therapist. But that being said... it's crazy how much brain damage occurs when you sustain abuse. I feel so.... "crazy" for lack of a better word. Questioning reality, forgetting things, feeling unwound sometimes.