Coming up on 1 year of NC

[DragonGirl]

Hi,

Over the past year I have spent a lot of time lurking on this forum and it's really been a godsend.  Thanks to you all.

For those of you just starting out with NC I want to share my experience, strength and hope so that you know it's possible to get better eventually.  This time last year I was a complete wreck.  Panic attacks, nightmares, binge drinking, etc.  Now my DD and I are living in a new place where hopefully my FOO won't find us.  But if they do find us, I think that the tools I have from this site will help me handle their ambush with grace and dignity.  I also got sober last year and going to 12 step meetings has been super helpful too.  That experience is for a separate forum, but my point is that once you go NC, you can finally tackle all the things that plague you and make you feel wobbly. 

I've always been the family SG.  I'm an empath so I used to vary between being a doormat and a bear trap.  A doormat over a bear trap if you will.  Add to that a 30 year substance abuse disorder which I tried to keep hidden.  I felt like I best served my FOO's needs by being a court jester and the thing they could point to so that they wouldn't have to examine themselves.  Substance abuse tends to skip generations in my family.  Going back through the court records on various genealogy sites I found tons of examples from fourteen generations of personality disorders and drunks.  The PDs like to lord over the drunks, and no one is ever allowed to get better.  I've probably spent a million dollars on talk therapy, shrinks, meds, self-help books, etc.  It's helped me a lot learning about emotional intelligence and behavioral modification, but for my FOO, it's just evidence that I'm broken and they're not.   

Before the pandemic, my DD, DH, and I found ourselves subject to a three month silent treatment.  I was still in the fog then and I felt so devastated I contemplated suicide.  My DD and DH were also devastated as you can imagine.  I hadn't been on a receiving end of a FOO multi-month silent treatment in a very long time and I'd never seen my FOO subject anyone else to such abuse.  They'd ghosted some friends before ghosting was a thing but in general they didn't let anyone into the inner circle.  I thought we were just a close knit family.  Wrong.

So the pandemic hits, DH moves back to his home state (we are now amicably divorced) and DD and I try to get our bearings without any FOO support.  A month into lockdown my FM-uPDS and my uPDM reach out to declare a truce.  I said we needed counseling and started forwarding a bunch of information I'd found online.  One silver lining to the pandemic was that all of a sudden there was a plethora of counseling and talk therapy available via Zoom.  As you can imagine, that did not go over well and they expected me to just play along as usual and pretend that nothing was wrong except for me. 

Maybe I would've gone along with it but the entire situation seemed odd to me because my uPDF and GCB were both still giving me the silent treatment.  They wouldn't interact with my DD either and that completely enraged me because she is a sweet girl on the autism spectrum and has never done anything to anyone.  I think both my GCB and my uPDF are covert narcs--the men in my FOO are perennial whiners and victims whereas the women are knife-fighting-mean-girls.  Anyway, it made things really awkward to interact via text with the Mean Girls and pretend that nothing was wrong.  Anytime I brought up family therapy I was told to stop being sh*tty.  That's it. 

Probably best to just cut to the chase here.  I decided to go NC and blocked my FOO and all possible FMs.  I found this site thank god and that pulled me back from the brink.  I read every possible book on narcissism (Prepare to be Tortured, But It's Your Family, etc).  I immersed myself in forums like this one.  I stopped talking about my family to new friends and acquaintances.  Now I just say we're estranged if anyone asks.  I stopped trying to tell my side of the story to potential allies because I realized that it just makes them uncomfortable and that my FOO will force people to choose sides eventually.

But that's only half the battle, the other half was pulling myself out of the wreckage.  That took awhile.  I ran out of money for talk therapy but I found that exercise, daily meditation, good eating habits, and making a gratitude list every night helped me feel better.  Am I lonely sometimes?  Sure.  Am I occasionally resentful?  Absolutely.  But my core self gets healthier every day that I remain in NC. 

Thanks again to everyone on this site.  You saved my life. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for posting your experience! So important for people to read how you went about it. I like how you simply say "we're estranged" and not tell your side of the story. I've told my side of the story and there are very few people who really get it.

I'm impressed how you got yourself into a much healthier space for you and your DD! 

[completelyperdue]

Congrats for the year of NC and sobriety! Both of those things are challenging to take on by themselves, so give yourself a good pat on the back for accomplishing those things and still continuing to work on yourself.

[Boat Babe]

You absolute warrior!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you for sharing your story, DragonGirl. I agree that finding this forum and those here has been gift.

You say you pulled yourself from the wreckage. That in itself is a huge triumph in my opinion. I feel like I also am an empath, and definitely identify with being the family scapegoat, surrounded by narcissists. From what I understand, that is not uncommon. Empaths tend to absorb a lot so others can feel better. 
   
Just sending you my support. Sometimes I think we reach a point where we know things are unlikely to change and staying as-is is no longer an option. You just feel it in your gut. I think you are doing many good things. Recognizing what you have that you are grateful for, meditating, exercise, and eating healthy are great self-care practices. I also think it is wise not telling friends about these dynamics. As life-changing as this journey is and as much as we may want to talk about it with others, it seems they rarely understand. The very, very good thing is that you say you are getting healthier every day. Happy for you!