Comparing myself with popular YouTubers

[MarlenaEve]

Hi all.

Self-comparison is a killer, I know. But I still like to compare myself to others. I'm a Youtuber and I love watching YouTube. I noticed lately that the majority of my favorite YouTubers have had a lot of support from their families and even travel, do fun things with either their mom or dad.
I watch those videos often to see 'how would it feel if NM was loving and supportive.

I have so many goals to accomplish and I'm freaking out that time is passing by (I'm 38) and I won't accomplish them all. Mostly because my brain is occupied with the inner work. The trauma takes 95% of my time and it's exhausting.

I know I can still accomplish those goals but I didn't even start, and it feels like a hazardous journey, especially having no economic resources and no emotional support.

So, looking at those YouTubers makes me feel like my goals are not impossible and maybe things will get better.

But it still feels bad to go into self-comparison mode. If only I had a loving mother, my YouTube would have been popular by now, my finances would be OK, my book would have been published, I would have never met narcissistic men, I'd own my own place, have good friends, etc (insert goal)

How do you deal with these thoughts?

How do you accept where you are at the moment, even if the place you're at is really low and damaging?

[notrightinthehead]

I know these envious feelings and the bitterness at the injustice of it all.  What kills my joy most are the happy family scenes on SM-  but I also realize that I could post happy pictures.  What we see on social media is not reality.  I remind myself of the picture of a couple on FB shortly before he killed her brutally. He had been abusing her for years, she wanted to leave and he snapped.  From the posts on FB one would have thought a happy, successful young couple.  I don't know if that works for you,  it helps me to find my way back to reality and remind myself that not all that glitters is gold.

[Hazy111]

I would suspect that most You tubers are narcs as it is a way of garnering narc supply (attention) .  The lives they portray are false and damaging to so many who believe it.

[Andeza]

There are no deadlines in life, only society's expectations. And frankly, society can butt out. So you're 38. Odds are good you'll live until your 80s, if not longer. You've got tons of time to do the things you want to do, you just need an action plan.

Comparing to youtubers is like comparing to Hollywood to some degree, especially the ones that have millions of subs. Some of them are genuine, warm, kind people. Some of them, as Hazy pointed out, are decidedly NOT. I watch homesteaders personally. That's the lifestyle I want and am moving to incorporate in small ways. One family, pretty sure the dad is OCPD, another family is totally normal and balanced. I watch both, because both share good information and I'm learning new things, but I remain aware of the disfunction. I think that remaining aware of the red flags of disfunction are important. If you look, I imagine that MANY of these happy families you're watching are not all that they're pretending to be. The rate of pwPDs is way too high for them to all be normal. They're just still heavily in the FOG.

[Sapling]

MarlenaEve, I can so relate! I had a post called 'Greif and Regret' in the Working On Us section, you might want to check out.
It's hard when those thoughts of - if only I'd been supported- creep in. The fact that you have so many goals is great news and that you're on here and getting support also says to me that you are actually on your way to meeting your goals. You could have spent much longer in the FOG but you didn't. As a fellow comparer, I can tell you that sometimes comparing is a way to beat myself up. It's a kind of self-harm. You don't need to do that to yourself. Also, the comparison is going to be distorted- you only see the curated part of these youtubers lives whilst comparing that to the whole 'uncut' version of your life. That's hardly fair. If you were to see the uncut version of their lives you might not see a life you would envy. One thing I've learnt from people on this forum is the hardships you have been through can give you gifts that those with more support may not have. You have experienced  things that society sweeps under the rug. There is a wisdom, empathy, strength and depth that comes from that experience. It cannot be manufactured. Keep focusing on your goals, and your healing and you will emerge from this low place. You won't remain here forever.

[MarlenaEve]

Thank you, guys Your advice is spot on

@Sapling: self-comparison is self harm-yes! And oh my, I haven't realized it before but it does feel like inflicting pain upon myself by comparing myself to the youtbers. It is perhaps a learned behavior,

@Hazy111
I can tell you that the YouTubers I watch (some of them) HAVE healthy families and they are supported and encouraged by one or both parents. One of these creators, has his mom making a clothing line for his YouTube brand and promoting his channel online. No narc parent does this! This guy is very kind and he mostly shows other people in his vids. Another creator has her mom or dad come to her cottage to fix stuff that breaks around the house or helps her create building/art projects. She's far from narcissistic and her fam as well.

But I know there are narcissistic YouTubers who crave for attention and fame and have million of followers-I don't watch those.
You can realize who's on the narcissistic side and who's not. Some of these will actually put the viewers down if you can imagine it. They're on the arrogant side (I'm famous and you're not so you're less than me) and I don't watch them.

@Andeza-yes it's like I compare myself to Hollywood. True. It's unfair. And very unhealthy.

@notrightinthehead
Wow! That woman killed by her husband is a brutal piece of reality. I assume that many of these 'perfect' families on FB have a lot of issues so I'm trying to stay away from that.

I'm in the process of deleting my FB because that is one of the most toxic SM channels there is. Too much perfection from everyone and too many lies hidden under perfectly-crafted posts.

[1footouttadefog]

At some point when I was at a stand still with my goals, I took a hard look  at the goals and the emotions surrounding them and proceeding with then and such.

I discovered some of those goals were set at an earlier stage in my life. They were shelved because of pd inflicted turmoil.  Decades had passed.

When comi g Out of the FOG, I realized I had no obligation to pick up where I left off on these earlier goals of mine. I was older, more matire, had experienced things, had changed in some aspects of world view and life stages etc.

It was okay to hit the reset button and choose new goals and hobbies that were a better match. Some of my goals had been influenced by who was in my life at the time and what aI valued under different circumstances and interests.

Yet I had changed.  Resetting things made it easier to move forward once again and brought with it more enthusiasm and motivation.

[Hazy111]

Marlena ,

One of these creators, has his mom making a clothing line for his YouTube brand and promoting his channel online. No narc parent does this!  Really, how about the Borderline Queen , who encourages her children to mirror her. (Christine Lawsons "Understanding the Borderline Mother")

I dont think you know whether these people have healthy families or not. You dont know them and nor do i.

They may well have "supportive" parents, but they may well be be narcissistic parents who are living vicariously through their children.    They encourage their children to be famous as it reflects well on them. They can bask in the "fame" and it brings them "narc supply".

Im sure Britney thought her father was real supportive of her back in the day.   Ditto thousands of other "child prodigies".

You'd be amazed at the private lives and inner turmoil of the "rich and famous".

Good luck, look in , not out !