help me to understand...

[losingmyself]

My DD is in town, it's her 19th birthday today, I am very happy, which is totally unacceptable to H.   He is behaving pretty well, mostly just sulking on the couch while we all visit and have a good time. If that's how he wants to be, have at it.
Anyway, not the subject. Or is it? I don't know.
H googled an actress on a TV commercial, and found her, pictures, all the stuff you would find in such a search. The commercial she's in is for a medication. H discovered that this actress is in this commercial, AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN TAKE THIS MEDICINE!!! SHE'S JUST ACTING!!
At first, I really thought he was joking, it's so ridiculous. Then another commercial comes on and he says to DS, "You know, that person doesn't even take that medication, they're just paid actors, probably"
To which I replied "Mostly everyone, in every commercial, is a paid actor. That's how it works."
H said "Well, it should say that when it starts"
I can see now, when commercials start, that he's irritated. How are you in your 50's and just discovering this?
It can't be. Is he just projecting onto the TV? Which is weird, but at least it's not me?
I think I will choose to ignore this, and sit back while he tries to get other people to join in his reaction. I would like to see that.
I just had to share this weirdness.
By the way, DD brought H a birthday present and card, as his birthday was last week. She's a good girl   

[blacksheep7]

I can understand what irrates your H about that commercial and I think, maybe, I know who it is. I might be wrong.  Honestly, I thought the same thing seeing her.  Often enough when it's commercials about meds, it's usually people we don't know.
When we get irrated and react about whatever reason,  there's a deeper issue IMO.

I'm saying this because lately my H has been reacting about every bad driver on the road and is driving me nuts.  I keep on telling him that there is not much we can do and that it is an never ending situation. I also mentionned that  every time I hit the road, there is always some driver who doesn't care who's around him/her.  It's wasted energy. 

They project their frustrations on things or events they don't like.

On a good note, your dd birthday's is a happy event.  You must be proud that she is a «good girl».

[losingmyself]

Thank you, Blacksheep. I am very proud of my kids!! They bring me such joy! I love the adults they have become

[blunk]

 losingmyself, I am so sorry your h tried to put a damper on your DDs birthday, but very glad that you didn't let him. They certainly pick the silliest things to be upset about. In most cases, there is fine print within the ad that says something like "paid actor/spokesperson" or "not actual patients".

DH and I were laughing just yesterday at an ad, and it's been a while since we actually saw it, just came up in conversation. It's for an insurance company and features one of those disclaimer lines at the bottom of the screen which reads..."real actors, not people". Always makes us laugh, hoping that it might give you a little smile when your h starts in on this topic.

[square]

My H isn't narcissistic but I've known a few NPDs including a former boss that I was also friends with. I don't know if your husband is NPD or something else but...

One thing I've noticed about Ns is that they seem clueless, honestly, on who or what to trust. My boss was super super intelligent but he had bizarre ideas about how to size up a (potential) business partner, client, or employee. For a while, he decided certain astrological signs were the key (his own, naturally). Again, smart as hell guy, really.

When the "correct" astrological signs didn't pan out, he moved to another, equally simplistic, theory. He had zero idea how to navigate sizing people up. I observed that over time, he simply trusted fewer and fewer people but never figured out how to assess a human being by anything but the most superficial methods.

So your husband's naive trust in advertisements reminded me of that.

[losingmyself]

Blunk...and the actors are going "But....we're real people!"
Love it.
Yeah, H kept saying "I didn't see that in the commercial!" Honest to Betsy, who t.f. cares??
Wait till he figures out that some people are not real lawyers in those ads. Or doctors.
And there's no Easter Bunny.
Oh, the horror

[losingmyself]

I just have to share this...
One of H's favorite things to say, when I say something random, like a thing I just did, is "Didn't ask."  That's just mean.
Today at lunch at a restaurant, he was his usual self, having to make noise or talk, sing, play music. Anything to draw attention to himself. Then one of the waitresses said to me "oh, you like thousand island dressing, too! That's my favorite"  And H said that he likes ranch and french, and the waitress said to him...( I love it)  "I wasn't talking to you" Then of course she said she was kidding, but I don't think he said another word afterward. It wasn't like he was angry, just knocked down a bit.
Aaahh...karma.
I'm sure he'll have all sorts of things to say about her in the future, or he'll just let it go. He will not forget it, though.

[losingmyself]

Square, I get what you're saying. His level of human understanding is as simple as one single thing they said to him. If a person ever made him feel inadequate in any way, they are all bad.
Black and white thinking.

[escapingman]

losingmyself: Haha, this reminds me of something that happened when my kids were about 4 years old. We were out somewhere and a lady came to us and said "Oh nice shoes" and my wife lit up and said thank you looking down at her shoes. The lady then replied "Oh no I meant you daughters shoes" and my uNPDw sank in her shoes and was quiet for quite some time. It's all about uNPDw under all circumstances, never about anyone else (unless she can take the credit for it).

[SonofThunder]

My DD is in town, it's her 19th birthday today, I am very happy, which is totally unacceptable to H.   He is behaving pretty well, mostly just sulking on the couch while we all visit and have a good time. If that's how he wants to be, have at it.
Anyway, not the subject. Or is it? I don't know.
H googled an actress on a TV commercial, and found her, pictures, all the stuff you would find in such a search. The commercial she's in is for a medication. H discovered that this actress is in this commercial, AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN TAKE THIS MEDICINE!!! SHE'S JUST ACTING!!
At first, I really thought he was joking, it's so ridiculous. Then another commercial comes on and he says to DS, "You know, that person doesn't even take that medication, they're just paid actors, probably"
To which I replied "Mostly everyone, in every commercial, is a paid actor. That's how it works."
H said "Well, it should say that when it starts"
I can see now, when commercials start, that he's irritated. How are you in your 50's and just discovering this?
It can't be. Is he just projecting onto the TV? Which is weird, but at least it's not me?
I think I will choose to ignore this, and sit back while he tries to get other people to join in his reaction. I would like to see that.
I just had to share this weirdness.
By the way, DD brought H a birthday present and card, as his birthday was last week. She's a good girl   

I have enjoyed everyone's comments.  My gut reaction to your initial post was not in the same vein as the other replies, but a different opinion based on my experiences with my uNPDfather.

You wrote:   "H googled an actress on a TV commercial, and found her, pictures, all the stuff you would find in such a search. The commercial she's in is for medication. H discovered that this actress is in this commercial, AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN TAKE THIS MEDICINE!!! SHE'S JUST ACTING!! 

My uNPDfather (now a very elderly man) still wears his male lustfulness on his sleeve and always has, to my embarrassment many times, as I was growing up in that NPD home.  He will still perv-flirt with females in their late teens and beyond, and he thinks he is not doing anything wrong and imo in his mind he believes they may find his interest in them, to be flattering.  I call him out now when I see inappropriate behavior in that manner, because it's insulting to my my mother and makes all the female targets of this behavior very uncomfortable.  Is it possible that your husband finds this actress very attractive and he projected a facade of concern over 'actors in commercials' to give him a reason/excuse to look her up on the internet right in front of you? 

You then wrote "At first, I really thought he was joking, it's so ridiculous. Then another commercial comes on and he says to DS, "You know, that person doesn't even take that medication, they're just paid actors, probably"

My uNPDfather would have projected the initial facade to look up an attractive woman on the internet and then would have said something like this second comment, to lump his lustful behavior toward the female actress into a broader category of 'paid actors' to shield his lust facade and internet lookup even further. I may be way off base, but this is just my experience with a NPD male who is over the top perv-outspoken with females.

SoT

[tragedy or hope]

Bingo! SoT,
I was thinking the same. I find videos on our tube channel of actresses etc...  Not my thing. Knows names and info about many. He has in the past been told he looks like a couple of  movies stars who are "hot potatoes" on the heart throb scene. He is very attractive which only gives fuel to the N fire. (clearly a chic magnet even in his old age.) He has found a niche in the medical world since he visits them so often. LOVES the attention.

Once he invited a nurse of his to a conference we were going to attend and took her a book to read as a precursor. (she did not come, consequently he saw her and her husband in a restaurant and went up to them to say hi and invite the husband to HIS men's group. I say HIS because he will not allow anyone else to lead it).

When I accompanied him to the Dr. some time after, another nurse told him "X" said thank you for the book... after I had clearly passed her and was on my way out ahead of him as if it was to be kept from me. The woman is not attractive but that really doesn't matter now does it?

Waitress stuff is sickening sometimes. with puppy dog eyes he has to ask her "do I want a or b?" and must always personalize how he wants his pancakes. unpdh asks questions about the menu when it is clearly written right in front of him. Some ignore him.... some play the game for a good tip. 1st time his coffee gets cold he slams the door on any other fun and begins to get haughty and snippy. Many times I see servers get very uncomfortable. Me, I try to rescue them with kindness for their sake.

Often I see people look at him like a dog who has heard a weird noise with twisted head they are trying to understand. I just observe. I have compassion but am learning to let it be. I always wonder what people think of ME... and why I am with this person.

[losingmyself]

Hmm... I hadn't gone that way with this idea at all. I'm not saying you're wrong, I just haven't seen any evidence of porn surfing from him.  He says inappropriate things to people who usually just laugh it off, but they're not suggestive, mostly just juvenile plays on words. We haven't had sex in a really long time, like, years, and he likes to hint at that with anyone within ear shot.
I will definitely keep a keen eye out, but if he's looking at such things, it just brings up guilt for me. I am not fulfilling my wifely duties. But then, neither is he.

He is still on the anger issue that people in commercials are actors, not even drivers of the cars or users of the medication.  "Can't believe anyone" he'll say frequently, pouting.
So apparently, he trusted that the people in the commercials were telling him the truth, and now he's discovered that they aren't, and it's all about him, and them lying to him.

[SonofThunder]

Tragedy, your story reminds me of the life my non-PDmom has led in her very long marriage to my uNPDfather.  Your last sentence runs through her mind frequently but after the many decades of 'caretaking' she has learned to come up with medical excuses to justify his behavior to herself and others (depression meds, adhd, seasonal affective disorder, anxiety, type A personality and the list goes on...).  He still continues to perv-flirt with younger women and especially on Facebook where he comments the most inappropriate things to mid-20 year old social media friends of my adult daughter (his granddaughter) and they block him because it's so inappropriate, and he STILL says (after their blocking) "these girls wouldn't know a compliment if they saw one, and the one I gave them is probably the best compliment they will get in a long while!!"   

My daughter explains to her friends that he's elderly and losing his mind.  They just say "ewwww" and are glad they blocked him.  #npdperv

SoT


Losingmyself,

Yes, I may surely maybe way off base regarding your husband and if so, I don't desire to take your thread down a different trail.  I'm also so sorry your marriage bed has been defiled by his withholding of sex and after a while, I fully understand that having sexual relations with a PD is just going through the motions of satisfying a PD's inner need to be desired, without them realizing at all, that being desired is a two-way street.  I have been through periods of sex withholding and it is clearly manipulation and control for the PD.  During those periods, I have learned to not focus on the control using sex,  to avoid being manipulated in that way. 

As a middle-aged male though, I can tell you that we younger and middle-aged men can suffer repeat prostate infections if we don't keep the internal pipes fresh and moving (my doctors words) along, so if your sex life is stagnant, and your husband is younger to middle aged, he may need to also keep the pipes moving along.  If he is self-assisting in that way, it can be another deep emotional hurt for the nonPD spouse, but if so, you know the withholding, manipulation and control is driven by PD traits and I encourage you to allow your PD knowledge to help you love yourself more, in all areas possible, in a healthy way; the way you would desire to be loved. 

I'm frankly glad you do not yet see a NPD-perv side to your husband and so your initial thread comment is indeed bizarre and interesting from a PD traits perspective, with projection in mind. 

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

Years back there was a super significant commercial in that it advertised a product but never said what it was for.  Be aise they did not mention it they did not have to say all the disclaimers.  It artfully got the message across by having a man toss a football through a tire swing.

Glad he is an actor.