Did you get used to the boredom and loneliness of NC?

[MarlenaEve]

Hi all,
how do you get used to the loneliness and boredom of NC?

I'm not NC yet but I was and the main reason I broke NC was that deep, gut-wrenching feeling that you're totally alone in the world because you're cut off from all family and relatives. It took me more than a year to make a friend after NC. I also felt like everyone around me was secretly judging me for not having my FOO in my life and that I had something bad/wrong inside me (this was the shame of NC acting up).

There was another thing: boredom. My life was so peaceful and it felt abnormal. I was used to the daily drama of NM's life and that filled me up with meaning in a f**ed up way.

I believe this is why I resumed contact. That loneliness was unbelievably painful to me. The feeling of not belonging to anything and having no place to call home was too much to handle. I didn't have close friends or a partner to share these feelings with and no therapist.

Did you overcome the feelings of shame and loneliness during NC? Was it hard to go from 'I need my narcissistic family drama to be me' to 'I'm enough on my own without them and I'm happy.'

[Call Me Cordelia]

It wasn't like that for me. I did have feelings of fear that people would judge me for being NC, but those feelings were far less than 1) The fear I felt at resuming contact and then 2) The joy I had made space for in the absence of drama.

It must be really difficult to be on your own in the world. I have a FOC that does fill up my life such that I often crave time alone... but then when I am alone I wonder how they are all getting on! I imagine it's like that somewhat? I do wonder about my FOO occasionally, but then give myself a reality check and remember why I went NC and why it would not be safe to "check in."

Having been NC before, it sounds like you're feeling stuck between two intolerable options. Do you have friends now? Would it be possible to get a therapist? What about other ways of keeping your body and mind active and taking care of yourself and doing what makes you happy? For myself, I needed to remember what I actually enjoyed doing on my own! I think that is not uncommon. And there is certainly a certain amount of discomfort to just muscle through, being unpracticed at even basic self-care, believing it will be worth it. It's like exercising muscles that had been paralyzed. Hard and possibly painful, but the alternative is staying limp and passive.

[moglow]

I'm what I call terminally single - I get lonely at times but it's better than pretending that relationship with mother and feeling ignored and/or worthless then beating myself up later. I'll take the silence every day over the abuse, insults, rages and temper tantrums that the most innocuous conversations with her had become.

Mother's the last surviving sibling in her family, parents long gone, and she successfully dissolved/napalmed relationships with her nieces and nephews/my cousins decades ago. Her whole family pretty much imploded when my grandmother passed, and I lay a good bit of that at mother's feet. Nobody had to put up with her bullshit anymore basically, so it all stopped. No gatherings, random holiday greetings, we see them at funerals and that's pretty much it.

I understand the boredom too, but maybe that's a sign for you to fill your mind and time with other things, things you missed out on during your mom's stuff? What draws you, what appeals to you that you never admitted? Are there things you want to try or do that you never did before because of what she might say? One word: Ukulele. Get you one. You simply cannot be sad or angry playing that thing, even if you don't play well! Maybe get an electric keyboard and headphones so you can play as loud as you want. Do you want to draw or paint or create fabric masterpieces?

I can honestly say though, my shame is in the past. I found out when I started quietly responding that mother and I don't have a good relationship and we're better apart, more people understood and shared their own than I expected. I carried that shame around a long time until I realized that I really wasn't alone in it unless I chose to be. I had to remove her from the center of my life so I could spread out and take it over.

What no contact does, is get them out of your bubble. You can/should step away from "them" and their stuff and back into your own. You're not caught up in the drama of it all and while it can absolutely get quiet and even boring, you learn a lot about yourself. Some of it you *will not* like [trust me!] but even that has potential. You learn to stop judging yourself through other people's eyes, stop living your life according to their mandates and expectations. You become the adult you need to be. Well, that's how it's going for me anyway!!

[Andeza]

I'm a hardcore introvert. Real human interaction is not required to be happy.

That said, I have a FOC. A husband, a toddler, a second on the way (all good there by the way, for those of you that know) so I'm rarely "alone" and I'm never bored. Alone time I usually sit in the silence and just breathe. It's like recharging a battery. I don't hide at home either though. I get out and walk frequently. The people at the mall know me by sight and greet me, and certain clerks at the store know me by sight and ask how I'm doing. It's plenty enough for me, but would not come close to satisfying an extrovert.

If you need people, honestly I say join a group that shares your interest. Gardening, painting, reading, wine tasting, etc. Extroverts do not thrive in life without human interaction.

I don't judge people that distance from their family. I assume there is a reason, possibly one that's none of my business. As for the drama, that's where my introvert side benefited me heavily. I was tired of other people's drama and just withdrew. As for shame? Well, I'll bother with that one when I've actually done something wrong. Not just because a mentally disordered individual is sitting at a distance somewhere wriggling their fingers and twitching their nose hoping that I'm ashamed of myself for cutting them out.

[doglady]

Yeah, it's hard, Marlena Eve.

When I went NC, I felt an ever-fluctuating combination of boredom, loneliness, isolation, peace, guilt, anxiety and.....joy!!!

I think when the boredom and loneliness are kicking in, we can feel a strong compulsion to return to what we know, due to the  trauma-bonding and enmeshment we have with our FOOs. IMHO, this is to be resisted at all costs and instead we can see it for the opportunity it is: our brains are telling us to do something. But that something is saying: Don't go back, go forward with something new and good for you.

I've personally found the following to be helpful when I've felt off about the whole thing: long walks, reading, knitting, gardening, yoga, patting my dogs, having a bath, surfing the net for funny/positive stuff, talking with friends, writing on here and Reddit, joining new groups online, learning a new skill etc etc. Obviously everyone is different and you know best what will work for you.

I think NC opens up a huge gap in our psyches and like you I felt the urge to just go back to FOO at times. But I fought it. However, I also think that if some people do go back to FOO that's maybe what they need to do at that time. It doesn't mean they can't step away again at any time in the future. This is not a linear journey.

But it's important to stop and reflect when we feel the urges to return to FOO and maybe just ride out that urge and let gap be filled instead with positive progress with our self-care and working on our dreams and goals.

Best of luck to you.

[Happypants]

Hi Marlena Eve. I haven't gone nc but can relate to the boredom and loneliness.

For me the loneliness aspect of it comes from struggling to be around people due to social anxiety and knowing that nobody else, including my other half, really understands what's going on with my FOO. I've put that to bed knowing I'll keep getting better and things will change.

On the boredom front, my parents seem to have reigned themselves in a little, my suspicion being that they know they'll need their SG now that they're getting older and have health issues.  I was "missing" the drama and questioning whether I was the source of it all. The truth is, I was addicted to looking for (and rarely receiving) the validation that my gut feeling was right about their covert controlling way. I actually got a dopamine release when they acted up or when I found a YouTube video that resonated. I don't know if you're familiar with "variable rate of reinforcement"? Once you've experienced the reward (validation), you want more. The cycle of questioning yourself begins but those tiny hints of validation occur intermittently which makes the situation addictive - think of a gambler, all day at the slots waiting for that one win. I guess it's almost like self- inflicted breadcrumbing.     The thing that's now working for me is just trying to stay aware of where my head is going at any given time.

[Adria]

I've been NC from all family and relatives for 30 years.  I have moved on, but I can still get triggered by something, and the loneliness and sadness can kick back in for a bit. Then I have to shake it off and move on again.  I think mainly because it is not what we want as human beings, to be ostracized or have to be NC from the people we call family.  It's not a natural state of being, so I plan on a lot of these feelings circling back around from time to time, and for me I figure it's just part of my life. I know it will come back around occasionally. I accept that (don't like it), but there isn't much I can do about it because going back isn't an option for me. It would be to damaging and dangerous to go back to my mafia cult like family.  I made it out, and not unscathed, so it is what it is, and I've had to deal with that the best I can.  Everyone is different, and this is not an easy thing.  I'm sure you will know if it has to be permanent or not.  You have to do what is best for you, but sometimes what's best can be the most difficult.  Sorry, Hugs, Adria.

[completelyperdue]

I've been NC since February this year, so I have been yo-yoing through the emotions of lonliness, ostracization, guilt, and figuring out how to fill that hole where the worries for my uNPD/HPDm have resided in me for so long.

It's taken time and therapy to slowly get over a lot of these feelings. I have started to fill that worry hole with things like running and doing other self-care things like finally getting a chiropractor, getting acupuncture, going to Pilates classes, and getting more into self-help books to help with all of these emotions.

Like others have said, find things to keep you busy is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you need to connect with other people, I would say find ways to volunteer in your community or find meetups with people who share a mutual interest. Once you find good, healthy people to hang out with, a lot of that boredom and lonliness should lessen.

Just know that you're never alone here.

[Fortuna]

Treat it like a bad romantic breakup. You don't have to tell people you are no longer in a relationship with your family. Most people are just making conversation when asking about your family. A stock answer like , oh we're not that close, should be sufficient if you don't want to go into detail. Then find things to fill your time to take advantage of the peace and not simply replace the drama, focus on taking care of you. That might be working on physical or mental health, learning a new job skill or taking up a hobby. Bonus points if you do this in a group setting where you have the opportunity to make friends and build your chosen family.
By the time I went NC I already had a chosen family that was supportive of my decisions. I would suggest work on finding friends, mentors, and just nice people to be around. It will help you see you are not alone.

[Sidney37]

I, too, resumed contact after NC/VLC several years ago because of boredom and loneliness.  We were NC for a bit when I first found this forum.  Then we were VLC.  During that VLC time, I found myself very lonely and very isolated.  PDm expected twice a day phone calls every day, so that was taking up hours of my week.  At least I was hearing a voice of someone rather than silence at home. 

We live in a place where DH and I have made few friends.  Someone here called their experience in a similar place living in the "snoberbs".  People are snobby and it's like living in a town of PDs. Lots of gossip, triangulation, trying to outdo one another.  People are somewhat nice your face and talk about your terribly behind your back if they make eye contact with you at all.  It's pretty terrible.  DH's work and my kids school situations have kept us here and lonely.  We've tried endlessly to find a job elsewhere with not much luck.  Then when I went VLC with PDm, I found myself alone all day every day with no one to talk to or to see.  I gave in and started talking to PDm again out of pure loneliness and boredom. 

This time around with the NC that I'm hopeful will stick, I have found myself texting a few old college and high school friends.  It isn't true interpersonal connection that I am desperate for, but it's better than isolation.  In addition, COVID has had DH and kids home most of the last 16 months, so I am far from lonely.  Too much togetherness at this point honestly. 

But I'm concerned when life goes back to "normal" and DH and kids are back at work and school, how I will keep myself distracted and busy.  I don't want to break the NC just because I am lonely.  I know I need to find a group to join with people, but it was very hard before COVID, so i'm not sure how it will be after things get more normal.  Exercise in a group setting has helped.  I'm carefully going back to that right now. 

I think keeping busy is the best way to overcome the boredom and temptation to return to contact.  It's especially hard right now in some areas of the world.  Many people are/have been very isolated this year. 

[Hazy111]

Yeah, it's hard, Marlena Eve.

When I went NC, I felt an ever-fluctuating combination of boredom, loneliness, isolation, peace, guilt, anxiety and.....joy!!!

I think when the boredom and loneliness are kicking in, we can feel a strong compulsion to return to what we know, due to the  trauma-bonding and enmeshment we have with our FOOs. IMHO, this is to be resisted at all costs and instead we can see it for the opportunity it is: our brains are telling us to do something. But that something is saying: Don't go back, go forward with something new and good for you.

I've personally found the following to be helpful when I've felt off about the whole thing: long walks, reading, knitting, gardening, yoga, patting my dogs, having a bath, surfing the net for funny/positive stuff, talking with friends, writing on here and Reddit, joining new groups online, learning a new skill etc etc. Obviously everyone is different and you know best what will work for you.

I think NC opens up a huge gap in our psyches and like you I felt the urge to just go back to FOO at times. But I fought it. However, I also think that if some people do go back to FOO that's maybe what they need to do at that time. It doesn't mean they can't step away again at any time in the future. This is not a linear journey.

But it's important to stop and reflect when we feel the urges to return to FOO and maybe just ride out that urge and let gap be filled instead with positive progress with our self-care and working on our dreams and goals.

Best of luck to you.

   Very good.     Especially the trauma bond. We are comfortable around madness and drama , cos that was normal for us!!

[MarlenaEve]

I think NC opens up a huge gap in our psyches and like you I felt the urge to just go back to FOO at times. But I fought it. However, I also think that if some people do go back to FOO that's maybe what they need to do at that time. It doesn't mean they can't step away again at any time in the future. This is not a linear journey.

Thank you so much for this quote.

This forum has many others who say the same thing: NC is not a linear journey but it doesn't get too old to hear it. It was so important to me to go back and see FOO, reconnect with my old self and see how much I've grown. I needed to 'collect' real-life proof that parents will never be loving, respecting and nurturing and that they're lost to NPD.

There was another person on the NC forum who talked about how lonely she felt in NC so at least, I'm not the only one.

Is it maybe that, loneliness after NC makes us face the reality that our parents STOLE our true self and that it is hard to build a self (our true self) in adulthood? It's like such a hard journey to start re-connecting to the joy that it is you, the you before PD parents destroyed.

--
I'm gonna take your advice and put the focus in me while in NC. I've already made a list with new activities to try and new things to accomplish, it sounds very exciting.

Also, sorry for not replying earlier to your posts.

[MarlenaEve]

@Sydney37 I'm sorry that you found yourself in the same situation. From experience, I can tell you it is not better to have a voice over the phone (aka PD mom's voice) than no voice. Or it's not better to have ANY human connection/relationship (aka a toxic one) than no human connection/relationship.

I don't know why our brains think like this but, in most cases regarding some of the toxic relationships I've had (including FOO), it was 1000% better to be alone than with those individuals.
Loneliness is tough especially during the Covid times.

Are there any Covid-safe support groups in your area?

One thing that truly helped with my loneliness during NC was to go to these groups.

Funny thing, now that I'm in contact with FOO, the loneliness feels worse I almost hear my higher self say 'I told you so' and 'FOO was NOT a solution'.

Hugs to everyone.

[SeaSalt]

"how do you get used to the loneliness and boredom of NC?"

You build yourself a new life. You detox from adrenaline addition that living with N people gives you. You go into therapy. You learn what are your wrong and limiting beliefs and you change them. You reset your nervous system. You rewire your brain. You move on. You put yourself first. You rearrange your priorities. You decide to stop the generational cycle of abuse.

[Boat Babe]

I've been working on my deep seated loneliness a lot in the last few years. I experience two kinds of loneliness. During the lockdown I spent long periods of time on my own and at times found it very hard (I'm uber sociable and an extravert). It was bearable though. My other experience of loneliness goes much deeper. It's an old companion from my childhood, the ghost at the banquet. When it grips me,  I feel utterly alone in the universe. This is at times unbearable but it passes and mostly my life is very good. I also know that I can fix the first type of loneliness very easily, by seeing people. The second one will always be there I reckon, like the shape of my nose or the size of my feet, but I can lessen it's impact, I can gently manage it. I also now know that this loneliness is no longer in charge of my emotional choices, mostly .

The damage that our childhood has left us with is deep in our being, it is part of who we are, but we will never even begin to heal if those who did the damage continue to abuse us. No sane loving person goes NC with their parents unless some pretty nasty shit has gone down and continues to do so.

I have found the mindful self compassion work of Dr Kristin Neff to be the best self help modality for my pain. Quite transformative. And I would MUCH rather the occasional bout with my demons than a return to any of the insane PD times.

So much love to you all.

[BrightMoon]

Glad to see this topic here as I am struggling with something similar lately in that I am NC with FOO, but recently had a text from flying monkey sibling and for some reason its put into cold hard light that I wont be able to have any decent relationship with them. Its weird-I knew I wouldnt be able to have a relationship anymore regarding my narc parents-but I hadnt thought about the family as a whole or how there could be no 'get together' events. Nor any with my siblings alone. And I dont know if its due to this recent awareness, but I just feel like somebody has pulled out the power plug in my life. I have no energy. I am emotionally raw. I cant get anything done. And I dont know if this is normal or common when dealing with big realisations but I cant help worrying I'll always feel like I do currently, or that I'll always be in this emotional place. Which is one of loneliness, sadness and anxiety.