The Horror of it All

[Hepatica]

Trigger Warning - Regarding physical violence in childhood.

This past few weeks have been painful. Very, very painful. Stuff around everything, everything wrong in my family blew in like a bad wind. Trying to live with a life time of cruelty and weirdness boggles my brain and heart.

Do you get those times in your process where you feel seriously stunned? This week when I found out that my uNPDf and sibling worked together to hit me in one of the last places where they knew they'd inflict horrible betrayal on my heart, I literally lay there for hours in shock and sadness. I felt very much the same way I did when I was a child, when my father'd lose it and hit us with this lightening flash, grown man hand, hitting a young girl so hard she flies off a chair. I am fixated on this part of my trauma currently. Working on that. I will let it go one day.

But i had no control over this week, his actions, yet again. Meant to hurt me! Bad! But because I am a grown woman he can not hit me so he found another way. Of course he would.

I don't know how I process the level of betrayal I've been through.

He, I understand, has to get me back, because I have gone No Contact. He had and has to get the last hit in, the way an abusive man takes out the woman he once loved if she leaves him.

My sister is GC. I cannot understand why she spends a moment with him. I cannot understand her enabling, the enmeshment.  Can she truly be "over" the violence he took out on her? Does she forget? Does she normalize? Has he said sorry to her, but not to me? Why did she not pick me to stand with? We'd have more years together. He's old. She chose him. Now I've lost her too.

It feels horrific. I am left with this question this week. How do we ever get over it?

What he did this week is the worst thing. He revealed to me that he is a grandiose, mega-narccisstic man, who really only wants children to manipulate and control. He does not have one iota of understanding of what love is and how you express it. The only good thing is that I can no longer get confused about it.

Waking up to the extent of what we've been through is so horrible. It must be why so many people are fearful to face it and drink and numb and try to hold it off.

All of us here are warriors. Peaceful warriors. I'm very grateful I have a space to share this with people who are awake and help me feel less alone.

[Spring Butterfly]

Sending so much love and wishes for peace

[Cat of the Canals]

I wish I could give you a hug, Hepatica. I think the long-term effects of abuse are much like grief... I don't know that we ever "get over it" as much as we find ways to live with it. We develop ways to make the memories less triggering. Figure out how to move forward without it being something constantly on our mind. So it takes time. And I suspect that each new trauma has a tendency to peel off the scabs of all the old trauma. You have a fresh wound right now. You are hurting. I think it's common that this would bring back many painful memories of when you felt that same helplessness.

I wish you all the strength.

[Andeza]

It's all wrong. What he did, what they've done, what happened this week. It's all wrong, Hepatica. It's cruel. It's not something that a normal family would ever inflict, and you deserved better. We all did.

I'm not sure what has happened, but we're here. We don't get over it. We go through. Straight through Hell to the other side. We live it, we breathe it in, we process, and we breathe it back out again. At a certain point, we can learn to release it. To let the ether have all the hurt and pain, so we can focus on our joy, on the good things. It's not instant, it's not easy, but it's worth it to enjoy the beauty in life in spite of the people that want to rob us of that beauty. The ones that want us to live in the pain and grief so they don't have to. But they are bottomless wells of pain and grief, too much for us or anyone else to carry.

Your scars have been ripped open, the wounds bleed fresh. I'm sorry this has happened.

[nanotech]

Hepatica this went to my heart. I'm so so sorry you've had to experience this and that you are still going through it. I'm so sorry you have suffered all of this abuse.
It's a lifelong double whammy.
First it's the abuse,
then they want complicity in the denial of that abuse.
You've stopped complying. 

Your dad is now ramping up the PD behaviour in the face of your NC. He's attempting to rake you back in.
Look at how strong you are. You are facing what's true and doing what's right. You can't choose for your sister. The best you can do is what you are doing and that is your NC. I'm sending hugs.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you heal from these hurts and find your self moving into a better situation.

Take care of yourself.

[Hilltop]

Take care of yourself.  It's so hard to move through it and past it.  They seem to get so much from causing pain and hurt and yet to us here we just don't get it, why they need to do this and then the added hurt and betrayal of seeing them stoop lower in their need to hurt.  It does at times, leave you with that feeling of amazement at what they have done when they are trying to wound.  When you see how low they are prepared to go.

Its easy to say that they are miserable and unhappy underneath but its hard to leave it with them.  You are NC now and that sounds like a good place for you to be.  The longer you are NC the less he will be able to get at you.  Take some time to heal and work through this.  You'll get there.