Need Advice and Support

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Hello -
My BP husband and I are in agreement that we are going to get a divorce.  That is where our agreement ends.  He is avoidant of talking, won't discuss selling the house, he has stopped helping out around the house, we need to fix it up - he won't talk about it, etc....  of course, he continues to avoid contributing financially.

I have a lawyer and, hopefully, the process will start in the next few weeks.

I am so frustrated living here with him - our 17 year old son is suffering in the process.   At night, I hide out in my room, my son is in his, and my BP husband is in  the living room in front of the TV.  No way for anyone to live - I hate it.

Today, I tried to have a discussion and I wouldn't let him avoid it.  It ended with him throwing a bag of items at me when we were in the garage. 

I know intellectually that I should just let my lawyer handle everything.  But emotionally, I just want to scream.  I read the book How to stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist.  I probably should re-read it. 

I want to hire someone to fix up our house so we can sell it.  BUT....isn't that letting him off the hook?  Then he doesn't have to do anything....

Lately, it's like he purposefully creates chaos then won't clean it up - he trashed my side of the garage - I had to clean it up to get my car in.  Things like that....it's so exhausting.

I'm just so tired.

[Poison Ivy]

I understand your anger and frustration. I think it's reasonable to hire someone to fix up the house. Will your husband agree to split the cost? If not, once you've hired a lawyer, ask the lawyer about the best way to proceed that will result in your husband having to split the cost.

[JustKeepTrying]

Goodness I had to check this wasn't me posting.  Same here but my OCPDxh is still in the house and using one excuse after another to postpone listing it.

Here is where I landed if it helps - oh well.  So we sell it a mess.  If I take a loss at least I have my sanity.

Go to the lawyer.  Right away and get the ball rolling.  You need to know your legal rights before anything.

In the meantime, grey rock it or medium chill.  Use the toolbox and keep your sanity

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Yes, I need to use the tools....I haven't been as much as I should have.
I still share too much and answer questions.
And, I have to acknowledge that selling the house isn't going to happen on my time line.
This is all hard....doable....but hard.

[JustKeepTrying]

It. Is. The. Worst.

And what you are asking for is not unrealistic.  Remember that.  You are not asking for anything that a normal thinking person would ask.  Please remember it.

You got this.

[Prototypian]

My advice, which is worth only the words in the forum, is to do things that help yourself move forward.  The time for the moral component of teaching a lesson or letting someone off the hook or anything like that is probably gone.   You have things you need to do and get done and that's what you need to focus on.   Financial situations are incredibly important but even leaving and moving forward with the process without the house being fixed up allows you to take steps forward.  Start with the effort on your paperwork side rationally and logically.   Get that done step by step.  If the home is to be sold speak to a realtor.  If he isn't willing to "help" or clean up take it in stride and do the things you can do. 

This truly is not about a financial win or lose, it's about getting past the event safely and with or without his help.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Stillirise]

Remember to always keep your eye on the prize...your freedom from a PD spouse.  Make every decision based on that alone.  There will probably be a cost, financially, and at times mentally.  However, you've made it this far, already.  I can assure you from where I stand—finally having an updXh—the reward is so worth it.  I'm not where I was financially a couple years ago, but my life is going great, and I'm not starving.  He's better off than me financially, but is still the same miserable, bitter, disordered person he was before.

So, he may win a few skirmishes, by stonewalling, refusing to cooperate, "getting off easy," etc.  Let him.  You do what you can, don't engage or take the bait, and let the cards fall where they may.  You will win the war in the end, by being a healthy, happy person once you're on the other side of this.

It likely won't be easy, nor cheap, but you will get there! Best wishes!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for your response. It reminded me to focus on the big picture...I actually have this one my phone to read when I start to falter.