Feeling really sad about NC tonight

deletedtrust · July 20, 2021, 12:54:38 AM

It has been probably around ten months since I talked to UPDM. I let her know that I wasn't happy that she only called when she needed something and that I needed a break. I blocked her on social media and phone but not on e-mail. There is a lot more history in my back posts, too much to repeat, it wasn't a quick or easy decision. She e-mailed me several times this year on holidays and my son's birthday. The last one was on my birthday a few months ago. It was long and talked about how much she loved me, memories of me as a baby.

I am feeling stressed out and like I don't have a lot of support lately and I'm finding myself wondering if she's learned anything from our time apart because when she wasn't, lying, making a scene, accusing others of the behavior she was engaging in, and stomping all my boundaries, she could be comforting sometimes. I wonder if I should e-mail her. I feel really guilty for not talking to her or making sure she's okay because she was homeless/in temporary housing for two years before NC and I worry that something bad happened to her. She threatened me in the past that if I didn't have a close relationship with her she would kill herself. I worry that she has and if I reach out it will confirm that she's dead. Both knowing and not knowing scare me. I didn't go NC to punish her, I did it to give myself a break.

I think I'm just feeling down and stressed about a lot of things and when that happens this always bubbles to the top. I needed to vent more than anything else and I'm so grateful that you're all here. <3

Adria · July 20, 2021, 07:39:38 AM

Deletedtrust;
I always say you gotta do what you gotta do. If you feel you need to reach out to your mom, then do so. Sitting in torment like you are isn't any good either. If it doesn't work out, you can always go NC again, or only take her calls, texts, etc. once a week or once a month or whatever suits you. Nothing is set in stone. None of this is easy. She probably hasn't changed, but maybe you have changed. You are probably stronger than you were before and know how to set your own rules. Of course, she will try and bust through them, but you have the right to protect yourself and take breaks from her when needed.

Stress, holidays, illnesses, all can trigger difficult emotions in these situations. Maybe see how you feel in a day or two and then make a decision. And you know what? If you make a decision that doesn't turn out well, that's okay. You can change it tomorrow. I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

deletedtrust · July 23, 2021, 11:38:23 PM

Thank you so much for your kind words and the encouragement to listen to myself. I ended up not reaching out but I really appreciate your reply <3

Sidney37 · July 27, 2021, 04:16:10 PM

Someone here once said that NC doesn't have to be forever. NC is today and what I need today. Am I ready for contact? There are days that I ask myself that. It's been almost 2 years of NC with some accidental slip ups along the way. I asked myself last week if I could handle VLC without frustration, anger, tears, etc. I can't, so it's more NC for me.

I'm not sure if that helps, but that's how I think about it.

completelyperdue · July 27, 2021, 08:03:23 PM

I think it's natural to feel sad about NC. This decision is not an easy one for any one of us to make, and we only come to NC after putting up with way more than we should and we need to focus on ourselves and not the PD parent.

Whenever I come to those thoughts if I should reach out or not, I go through my personal list of why I went NC in the first place and I think about if re-establishing contact with my uNPD/HPDm will be a healthy thing for me in my life right now. It might be something for you to review on your own as well before you re-establish any contact.

I can tell you worry about your mom, and that is totally okay. I think all of us at some point still worry about the parents that we chose to no longer be in contact with because it is in our nature to still be concerned about their well-being and safety.

You can always find out through other means though about your mother's well-being and remain in NC. They may not be cost effective such as hiring a private investigator, but it might be worth it just for the peace of mind and to maintain NC.

Hope this helps.

moglow · July 28, 2021, 10:16:47 AM

Hey - I'm getting waves of this too, Deletedtrust. It's not unbearable and definitely not all the time, but it's there underneath. It's kinda sneaky, pops up when I'm not expecting it. I just ride it out, find a little extra soothing self care and listen to music [Amazon has an album called "Bedtime Mozart Classical Lullabies" that I've been known to put on repeat for those days. It helps me get through.].

Hugs to you.

My New Life · August 25, 2021, 01:17:58 PM

Dear DeletedTrust,
I am sorry you are feeling the sadness of going NC with your mum. I feel it too, at times. Though, at 2 and 1/2 years, I do not feel it as often as I did the first year. So I do think it gets better with time.

While I suppose NC does not have to be forever, for everyone, I went NC on and off over the course of 30 years with my mum. In hindsight, I wish I would have ripped the bandaid off sooner and reclaimed my life. In my case, I let guilt pull me back over and over. My uNPDM would always revert back to my childhood and remind me of all the good things she did. The problem was, she was good to me as a child, because she thought of me as an extension of herself. The moment I became an independent adult, game over.

When I went NC this last time, I realized it was for the last time. I was in kidney failure. It was not lost on me that the organ that was failing me was the organ that was struggling to detoxify my body, and my uNPDM was constantly immersing me in toxic engagements and dramas. My system, my mind and my Soul was so tired.

Only you can decide what to do, to remain NC or not. I would encourage you to be mindful that the energy of a toxic relationship has to go somewhere. When that somewhere is in your body, sometimes it is too late when we finally get
out. For me, it was not too late. I received a kidney transplant 1 and 1/2 years ago, a year after going NC. This new chance on life, gave me the courage to stay NC because it literally felt like I was fighting for my life. I guess I always was.

Sheppane · August 25, 2021, 04:13:24 PM

". I didn't go NC to punish her, I did it to give myself a break."

Exactly. This is not a path anyone chooses to go down, it is sometimes the only safe option that is left in order to maintain some serenity and physical health in our own lives. I'm sorry you are feeling this sadness right now. You are not alone and everyone here understands how painful this place can be. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing for you and you can only control your part. So much of this is outside our control and accepting that is hard but IME is also the road to inner peace. Sending strength.

Starboard Song · August 27, 2021, 03:40:37 PM

Quote from: deletedtrust on July 20, 2021, 12:54:38 AM
I think I'm just feeling down and stressed about a lot of things and when that happens this always bubbles to the top.

I so get that.

When I am stressed about things I cannot control, my brain latches onto something I can control: 6 years ago we went NC in an astounding act of righteousness, and I was verifiably right about every word I said to my in-laws and they were objectively wrong. But me ruminating over it does me no good. It just riles me up over something that isn't in my life. It's like watching a nature program and spending two days scared you might get attacked by a cheetah.

But as I say, I do it to at times. You are normal and healthy.

DistanceNotDefense · August 27, 2021, 05:37:50 PM

Quote from: Sidney37 on July 27, 2021, 04:16:10 PM
Someone here once said that NC doesn't have to be forever. NC is today and what I need today. Am I ready for contact? There are days that I ask myself that. It's been almost 2 years of NC with some accidental slip ups along the way. I asked myself last week if I could handle VLC without frustration, anger, tears, etc. I can't, so it's more NC for me.

I'm not sure if that helps, but that's how I think about it.

One thing Ive done when Im tempted to get in touch is write an email or text of what exactly I want to say. I put a lot of thought into it. Then, I sit on it for a bit. I don't send it right away.

If in a few days I want to send it I will, but I never have.

I have often found that they are just words or feelings inside of me that need to take form somehow and writing it down almost takes those feelings out if me a little.... releases me and makes me a bit lighter.