I'm back!

[cgr68311]

Well, probably other than Penny Lane, no one else will recognize me haha (velociraptor example, can't forget!)

Things had been quiet for me most of the summer, mostly parallel parenting keeping my crazy and her crazy in check most of the year, it was working...

Then covid hit me, and my two boys S13 from a previous marriage and S2 with NPDx. Hit us hard and S2 had to stay with me through the illness. Considering I was in the worst possible state, I started bending, giving in. NPDx would come by greet us from the curb then leave or leave us food and leave.

Next thing I know she's hanging out in the yard, 'social distancing'. Next thing she's bringing me outdoor furniture, stuff for the kitchen, coming in to the house, I had no energy to oppose.

Then we recovered back to status quo. Good. But then, one day she asked me for advise on how to put him to nap, so I gave her a few pointers, and by accident I made a joke that when S2 wakes up, he stays with me in the bedroom until I wake up because out in the yard there is a raccoon.

That was how this new episode started. After I made comment about the raccoon, she said 'you better not be scaring him, no wonder he's been afraid of monsters, etc'. Didn't say anything but then she raised it up a notch, and said 'oh and he's also been saying his brother is a monster'.

At that moment I said ok need to take a step back and limit parent app messages to every few days and only urgent texts or calls. She agreed.  Next thing I now she's going rogue: enrolling him at a new preschool behind my back, arguing with his pediatrician and getting or causing S2 to be deactivated at his pediatrician clinic, then scheduling him at a new pediatrician without my knowledge, refusing extensive dental treatment which requires anesthesia for S2 (he has a lot of cavities because he eats a lot of acidic fruits at her place, a lot)

Then ex MIL who is actually very nice (always brings me things and checks on me even before splitting), said she was coming over. I said to myself, no more, anything that she may see, she may tell her daughter and her daughter turn it around. Note her daughter estranged her all last year and I was the only way she could see her grandson. But with things the way they were, I had to tell her I had 'plans' and we weren't going to be around.

Well, it didn't go well. Grandma didn't come, she said it was too much hassle to come see grandson for 1 1/2 days on her daughter's time since I would not be around. So she didn't come.

After that, I exchanged S2 with  NPDx this past Saturday and that's when the craziness began. She sent me parent app messages with all sorts of child abuse and other allegations, including:

that I sent him back with blue bruises ('much more than usual'), that he was having terrible behaviors at church biting people yanking skirts, kicking people. that she suspects he's been traumatized at my place, that he's been spending too much time with S13 (who's on the spectrum), and that she will ask for CPS or go to court or go to a therapist, etc. That my previous ex and S13 and my 'rage' are causing all these nightmare behaviors, etc.

Since she did not see a reaction, then she began to bother me about child support recalculations, modifying our 50/50 schedule, etc. The CS she mixed with her allegations so I did not respond. The topic on the schedule she sent a separate topic conversation in a very appropriate manner, so that one I did reply and said, 'I'm willing to discuss but first reply to all my unanswered posts and requests related to choosing a new pediatric provider, approving immunizations and dental treatment. To my surprise she did reply on those posts and agreed. Wow, a lucid moment or at least tells me that's her only valid request/gripe.

As far as her abuse allegations, instead of responding and engaging with her on parent app, I decided to collect evidence about these alleged bruises and behaviors. I included her on my communications so that she had first hand knowledge of these inquiries. So since S2 was at daycare they texted both of us  pics of his body which showed no bruises. But he did have a bandaid on his hand and after staff questioning him in different ways, he said he fell at mommy's house. Then to top it off, since it was my day to pay him a visit, I also photographed S2 looking and behaving perfectly normal.

Then, I emailed her church, stating I was concerned about my son's alleged behavior, so they replied that S2 was well behaved during Sunday school and that none of the attendants saw him running around after the service.

This last email got to her. so she continued to rant until 3am,  they were a continuation of the nonsense allegations from the day before. S

She said in her mind she doesn't know why I am 'bothering people' (i.e. daycare, church preschool). She said she will not say anything to me anymore but document everything. (she has promised to do that in the past so many times but she keeps ranting)

She reiterated S2 was very bad behaved after church service in the hallways not at Sunday school, that at Sunday school he always behaves. And that his body is covered with many blue bruises (Yet both daycare and I during my 2 hour visit took pictures of S2 yesterday that completely deny this)

She says that the 'bruises' are not major just looks like he fell a lot or someone held him hard on his arms. She said no more sharing with me, that she expresses her concerns and then I 'bother' people in 'her' life (i.e. daycare, church, etc). So she said she's gathering evidences for my 'harassment' to gain restraining order or no contact order.

I did not respond. I did however schedule his wellness check (he's turning 3 this week) before the end of the week and that will be another piece of evidence to deny any current/future allegations.

My question to the group however is, how do I deal with these much attacks? As I have said before here and to my life coach, the only way I can survive her attacks is by fighting fire with fire and I'm tired of doing so, to get the narc/crazy out of myself.

[Penny Lane]

Hi, welcome back. I don't think I can take credit for the velociraptor metaphor, I think that goes to Stillirise.

Fortunately and unfortunately, this is all by the playbook. I'm going to walk you through what I think is happening on her end and then strategies for dealing with it.

So I think what happened here was 1. you (understandably; we've all been there) let your guard down, and she was on her best behavior for awhile. 2. She can't help herself but make rude comments and digs, so she did that and you increased your boundaries. 3. She is missing the attention she got from you. And, like a toddler, if she doesn't get positive attention she'll seek negative attention. I mean, how can you not pay attention when someone accuses you of child abuse right?

I would also bet that there's something else going on in her life right now. Maybe she broke up with a boyfriend or got a write-up at her job. I feel like when our BM gets like this we ALWAYS figure out later that she's spiraling in some other area of her life.

What you need to do now is give her bad behavior as little overt attention as possible while protecting yourself if she continues to escalate by actually calling CPS, filling to modify custody or whatever.

A very slight note, I wouldn't have told her "let's decrease communication." I would have just done it. But like I said that's very minor; you probably would still be dealing with this either way.

You did the right thing in not responding to her allegations. The most I would say is a very brief "what you are alleging is not true" or "if you think our son is being abused you should absolutely call CPS" or whatever. But ignoring it is perfect.

It was also good that you gathered evidence. The only tweak I would make is that you shouldn't include her on the emails. As you saw it'll just encourage her to change her story. Better would be that she makes this allegation in court or to CPS, and you come back with proof that she's lying, proof that she has never seen before. Ideally she will never know how much you can disprove her, but second best is that she is SHOCKED by a court filing or on the stand.

All the stuff about you "harassing" the people in her life - that's noise designed to triangulate you with those other people. If you talk to the people she's lying to you about, then you'll uncover her lies (as you did). So she makes another dramatic allegation that's designed to make you feel like you have to back off. Ignore it and keep doing what you're doing.

One other thing. If she's "threatening" to take him to a therapist, I suggest you use that and say, yes, I think it's a great idea for him to go to a child therapist, here's a person I found let's sign him up. If she is like DH's ex she will hate that. But it might be worth it to get your son into therapy - if and when you think he needs it, your ex will suddenly hate the idea because it came from you. Always look for ways to turn the crazy into productivity, even if you're dragging her toward productivity kicking and screaming.

I suggest talking to your lawyer and making sure you tighten up your game for if she does move forward with one of these threats. I think overall you should be ok - in fact it might go badly for her - but it's always good to be, and feel, prepared.

Don't fight fire with fire in the sense of reacting as aggressively as she does. She'll just learn that to get your attention she has to make an over the top allegation. In fact to continue the metaphor, the best way to fight a fire is to suck the oxygen (attention) out of the room. There might be an extinction burst, but eventually she'll learn that she won't get that attention she's looking for here, and she'll move onto someone else for awhile at least.

And finally, it helps me to remind myself that this is a phase just like it was a phase when she was being nice. This will end, she'll get bored of yelling at a wall, she'll find someone else to harass for awhile, whatever. You just gotta put your head down and get through it.

[cgr68311]

You're right on the penny - she's going through some stuff at work - some training and credentialing she must obtain as part of her job conditions.

I like the oxygen analogy, shut her off.

This is what ended up happening/doing:

after receiving her ok to take S2 to wellness check and immunizations, she wrote again withdrawing her consent later in the week

Yet she kept asking for schedule changes and CS recalculation. So I simply said: "from here on out any major requests or disagreements need to go through my lawyer, I am open to schedule changes if you are open to reconsider wellness and immunizations if  so talk to him directly." Of course she wanted his phone and email so I said he can only be reached via US Mail. She replied after that but won't even bother reading as she needs to do that reach out to him, no need to continue to engage with her unless it's routine updates