Smirking

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Anyone in a relationship with a upd/Pd person that smirks when you are angry?

Mine sometimes smiles or smirks when I get upset with him. Is this common? It makes me feel like I might as well not even talk or fight back, because he clearly doesn't care. It also really seems to be the only thing that can send me into a rage. When he does it, I need to walk away to protect myself so I don't escalate the situation.

[SonofThunder]

Anyone in a relationship with a upd/Pd person that smirks when you are angry?

Mine sometimes smiles or smirks when I get upset with him. Is this common? It makes me feel like I might as well not even talk or fight back, because he clearly doesn't care. It also really seems to be the only thing that can send me into a rage. When he does it, I need to walk away to protect myself so I don't escalate the situation.

In other posts by you elsewhere on the forum, you describe a dangerous man who has walked away from you and your child, and is not physically with you, but in this post, your wording suggests this man is in your presence.  Thanks for explaining the present reality of your situation. 

For the answer to this question you ask in this thread, I recommend you study the toolbox tab in detail.  Passive-aggressiveness can be non-verbal and silent treatment is not silent, as visual, audible and situational reactions and gestures are purposefully done within ear/eyeshot of the recipient of this behavior. 

SoT

[Hazy111]

I had a friend? years back, ( Come to think of it i know another friend? who employs it to) that had a permanent smirk .... Its passive aggressive, a form of "gaslighting", and  just contempt for your feelings, as you said.

Trust your gut. 

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Anyone in a relationship with a upd/Pd person that smirks when you are angry?

Mine sometimes smiles or smirks when I get upset with him. Is this common? It makes me feel like I might as well not even talk or fight back, because he clearly doesn't care. It also really seems to be the only thing that can send me into a rage. When he does it, I need to walk away to protect myself so I don't escalate the situation.

In other posts by you elsewhere on the forum, you describe a dangerous man who has walked away from you and your child, and is not physically with you, but in this post, your wording suggests this man is in your presence.  Thanks for explaining the present reality of your situation. 

For the answer to this question you ask in this thread, I recommend you study the toolbox tab in detail.  Passive-aggressiveness can be non-verbal and silent treatment is not silent, as visual, audible and situational reactions and gestures are purposefully done within ear/eyeshot of the recipient of this behavior. 

SoT

Hi SoT,

Nice seeing you here! He is in and out. He comes and goes as he pleases. As I explained, I live in another country. It's quite common here to live in a large home with many family members. I live with his family, therefore he will be here sometimes, but he is mostly away, sometimes coming back on weekends. For 2 months he basically left completely to conduct his "business". Recently, he has been coming back every 4-5 days to see our son for an afternoon/evening. Sometimes there may be family events which we both attend. The situation is complicated.

I'm glad there is a name for this. Thanks!

[LemonLime]

I see smirking as a form of contempt.

Also contemptuous:
sarcasm
eye-rolling

My sib engages in all of these things, and I'm like you....those things really trigger me, more than anything else does.

If you've ever read John Gottman's work, you will know that this psychologist can predict with amazing accuracy a couple's chances of staying married.  He can do this by watching couples during arguments.   He has described "The 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse", which are 4 behaviors that he watches for during an argument.   One of those behaviors, Contempt, is the killer of relationships.  The other 3 are bad and can be damaging, but Contempt is the most predictive of a relationship's demise.

That's likely why it triggers us so.   Contempt puts people "down".   So it's a technique one partner uses to make themselves superior.

Last argument with sib, I was calmly defending myself against her accusations, and she rolled her eyes at me.
I let her know in a letter later that she can roll her eyes but that I will not stay in the room when she does that.   Or if she uses sarcasm or if she rages.
Her response to my letter was not positive....it was to attack some more.

It's sad.

[SonofThunder]

Anyone in a relationship with a upd/Pd person that smirks when you are angry?

Mine sometimes smiles or smirks when I get upset with him. Is this common? It makes me feel like I might as well not even talk or fight back, because he clearly doesn't care. It also really seems to be the only thing that can send me into a rage. When he does it, I need to walk away to protect myself so I don't escalate the situation.

In other posts by you elsewhere on the forum, you describe a dangerous man who has walked away from you and your child, and is not physically with you, but in this post, your wording suggests this man is in your presence.  Thanks for explaining the present reality of your situation. 

For the answer to this question you ask in this thread, I recommend you study the toolbox tab in detail.  Passive-aggressiveness can be non-verbal and silent treatment is not silent, as visual, audible and situational reactions and gestures are purposefully done within ear/eyeshot of the recipient of this behavior. 

SoT

Hi SoT,

Nice seeing you here! He is in and out. He comes and goes as he pleases. As I explained, I live in another country. It's quite common here to live in a large home with many family members. I live with his family, therefore he will be here sometimes, but he is mostly away, sometimes coming back on weekends. For 2 months he basically left completely to conduct his "business". Recently, he has been coming back every 4-5 days to see our son for an afternoon/evening. Sometimes there may be family events which we both attend. The situation is complicated.

I'm glad there is a name for this. Thanks!

Justanotherlostgirl,

Thank you for the clarification on the situation regarding the varying condition in which you live, as it will help to better understand your forum posts, within that context.

SoT

[Rose1]

Exbpdh used to do it. It also made me angry. It was always in the context of 'smirk-got to you'.
Of course its angry making but if you fall for it its only going to get worse as you say.  Walking away is all you can do. Except not get into the situation in the first place.  He used to enjoy me asking where the child support was so you can imagine the levels of anger, and he knew it.
Eventually cult8vating indifference helped.  He's the loser in the long run because h3 miss2d out on a good life for him and a relationship 2ith the kids. 
He used to whine,  'don't take it out on me'. Sorry but the relationship train left the station

[Simon]

I caught my BPDexGF smirking several times during the relationship.
I learnt not to react to the same baits after a while, which turned her smirk into a puzzled look.

For instance, as my ex was from a different country (Denmark), I had never met her Parents, and some reason, whenever she was on the phone to them, she wouldn't ever mention me. In fact, she never told them about me, which I initially found annoying and upsetting.
I've heard that this is quite common, and it's because they know their parents would tell them off for being in a relationship, as they've seen the devastation they've caused in the past.

Anyway, my ex used to always make a point of letting me know that she tried to tell them about me as soon as she got off the phone, and the SMIRK was always there when I asked once more why she couldn't just tell them.
Over time, my reaction became "Never mind" when she told me that she couldn't bring herself to tell them.
The last time she told me, which was near the end of our time together, she got off the phone, looked at me and said all innocently and sweetly "I was this close to telling them about you then!".
I turned my head to look at her and said calmly "Doesn't really matter anymore. Too little too late." and turned back towards the TV.
The look on her face wasn't a Smirk then, I can tell you.

If you're foolish enough to still be in a "situationship" with a Cluster B, then don't give them any Smirk moments.
Eliminate them one by one by not reacting, and genuinely not caring.

Better still, get the hell out of there, get some self-respect, and get back to living a normal life! 

[Hazy111]

LemonLime, we shared the same sib? Eye rolling , sarcasm and the well known glare with lip curl ( that dogs do before they attack showing their incisors)

I know her to be an UBPD Queen now ( my diagnosis) . She even had one of those ironic /funny ??? signs on her kitchen wall celebrating her sarcasm.   God knows how her husband put up with her withering contempt all those years.

[escapingman]

Last big fight uNPDw had with me, and I did MC back to her and she got more and more desperate in her attacks until I lost it and told her to f off. At that moment her entire face burst into a big smile and it looked like she was genuinely happy like she won the lottery. It made feel disgusted with her and that is when I truly knew.

[Andeza]

UBPDm used to smirk at enDad all the time. She thought she was smarter than him or something like that.

Trigger warning: suicide

As she last in the bed in the mental health wing of the hospital post attempt, she smirked up at him. It was chilling.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Last big fight uNPDw had with me, and I did MC back to her and she got more and more desperate in her attacks until I lost it and told her to f off. At that moment her entire face burst into a big smile and it looked like she was genuinely happy like she won the lottery. It made feel disgusted with her and that is when I truly knew.

I'm so sorry that happened. I do agree that it' this was the tipping point for me in beginning my research on personality disorders. Before that point, I did not realize that what was happening, all together, was a pattern of behaviors that made up a personality disorder. It really tipped me over the edge the first time he did it.

It is really hard to contain yourself in those situations.

[SeaBreeze]

You may want to Google "narcissistic smirk" and "sociopathic smile". Yep, they actually have names and can be added to the list of red flags. Triggering, but eye-opening indeed. Knowing it is actually a thing has confirmed my own experience with "the smirk" from my late uNPDm, ex-uNPDh, and current uNPDh. To me, the smirk always comes off as perplexing at the least, chilling at the worst, and never appropriate. Just that smug look of superiority and/or incredulousness... Ugh I am triggered even describing it. *Insert my own eye roll*

[11JB68]

Very similar experience to escapingman here. I'm much better at mc now but when we do/would 'fight', Updh would push, push, push until I would finally get angry and start yelling, y then he would start smiling.... Which would cause me to feel angrier and I'd ask what's funny? How is this funny?
Bizarre

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Very similar experience to escapingman here. I'm much better at mc now but when we do/would 'fight', Updh would push, push, push until I would finally get angry and start yelling, y then he would start smiling.... Which would cause me to feel angrier and I'd ask what's funny? How is this funny?
Bizarre

Yes I did the exact same thing the first time! I was like how is this funny to you? I was pissed off at him because he refused to celebrate my birthday and apparently that was hilarious! I also totally lost it that time, but since then I've learned to just walk away.

What I find so weird about it for me, is that he only started doing it recently. Before then, I never saw it. Now I've seen it 3x in the past few months. Just a weird weird escalation in behaviors. 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels crazy when this happens, but very sorry that so many people also have to experience this. How awful

[blacksheep7]

I see smirking as a form of contempt.

Also contemptuous:
sarcasm
eye-rolling

I agree!  My niece does that to her M (my sister). One time, here in my home, it was in the midst of a conversation we were having. Mostly an expression of contempt, angry eyes, the look.  My sister says nothing, so afraid that her dd won't love her.

Dd manipulates her parents for money, favors etc...  Portays a Very different persona in front of others, sweet. 

[Free2Bme]

My updxh used the smirk to convey his contempt of me. 

In addition: 

laugh at inappropriate times to show hatred of me
cough in order to interrupt when I was speaking about something important to me
weighted sighs intended to send a message of disdain
faking not hearing what I said
fake interest in various things just to ignore me/kids
fake crying
fake sleeping
fake illness
fake anger

..........it is a bottomless bag of toxic tricks.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

My updxh used the smirk to convey his contempt of me. 

In addition: 

laugh at inappropriate times to show hatred of me
cough in order to interrupt when I was speaking about something important to me
weighted sighs intended to send a message of disdain
faking not hearing what I said
fake interest in various things just to ignore me/kids
fake crying
fake sleeping
fake illness
fake anger

..........it is a bottomless bag of toxic tricks.

My husband does almost all of those too! Except he doesn't cough to end discussions. He has this weird chronic cough that never stops. Doctors say there is nothing wrong with him. 🤷‍♀️

Looking at those list of traits, I wonder why we ever put up with these people. I'm glad yours is an ex, how wonderful that must be!

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I see smirking as a form of contempt.

Also contemptuous:
sarcasm
eye-rolling

My sib engages in all of these things, and I'm like you....those things really trigger me, more than anything else does.

If you've ever read John Gottman's work, you will know that this psychologist can predict with amazing accuracy a couple's chances of staying married.  He can do this by watching couples during arguments.   He has described "The 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse", which are 4 behaviors that he watches for during an argument.   One of those behaviors, Contempt, is the killer of relationships.  The other 3 are bad and can be damaging, but Contempt is the most predictive of a relationship's demise.

That's likely why it triggers us so.   Contempt puts people "down".   So it's a technique one partner uses to make themselves superior.

Last argument with sib, I was calmly defending myself against her accusations, and she rolled her eyes at me.
I let her know in a letter later that she can roll her eyes but that I will not stay in the room when she does that.   Or if she uses sarcasm or if she rages.
Her response to my letter was not positive....it was to attack some more.

It's sad.

Thank you for the John Gottman recommendation!

That is exactly what it is. Contempt. I'm sorry you have to deal with this behavior from you sib, that's awful.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Ugh I am triggered even describing it. *Insert my own eye roll*

🤣🤣 you and me both!