Should I Go Through With Divorce?

[seafarer]

I filed for divorce about 40 days ago. (60 day waiting period.) In the last week my wife and I have started texting.  It feels so good to be communicating with her again.  We are planning to get together next weekend.  I am so excited about seeing her I can hardly stand it. 

A little about me and my wife.  My first marriage was wonderful but ended when my wife died of ovarian cancer.  I suffered other tragedies during the same year such as the loss of a nineteen year old grandson, my mother and was later diagnosed with cancer myself.  Fortunately after surgery and chemo there is no evidence of disease currently.  Last spring I met a woman online and we ended up having sex on the first date.  Before long, she had basically moved in with me.  It was moving so fast that I became totally uncomfortable and ended the relationship, or at least I thought I did.  After a couple of weeks I was missing her so badly that I reached out to her.  Next thing I know I was on a plane and went to her and proposed and she said yes.  We were married 2 weeks later.   After about a month I was miserable due to some of my own insecurities and some of her traits.  She is very intense.  She told me she was intense before I ever dated her.  I really never considered a PD. 

Traits that led to me leaving after a month of marriage:
1. When under stress emotional reactions that are off the charts
2.  Always seemed afraid I would leave her (which I have twice now)
3.  Mood swings were common and made worse when alcohol was involved.
4.  Calling my adult daughters derogatory names.
5. Frequently talking about past relationships. (Something I struggled with due to me being happily married so long.)
6.  Covertly isolating me from friends and family.  (Extreme jealousy when I had any contact with them.)
7.  Could go from telling me how much she loved me to telling me she hoped I died from cancer so I could be with my first wife.
8.  Circular conversations, especially when she was under stress.
9.  Maybe the biggest problem is that she cannot be still even for a little bit.  Has an energy level like nothing I have ever seen.  Exercises constantly or has to be doing some type of activity.

I could go on but there is a good side to her to.  She is a fantastic teacher with the ability to reach children that most would consider unreachable.  She is a fantastic lover.  She is a kind, caring person with a tender heart.

One more thing I should add is that I retired when undergoing cancer treatment but now I am physically healthier than I have been in over 20 years. (I am in my 60s.)  Not having something to do was driving me crazy as well.

After 40 days of decompressing, studying, and learning plus seeing a therapist, I am having thoughts about wanting to try again.  I know that sounds crazy.  So, should I go through with the divorce and go no contact; go through with the divorce and try to maintain a relationship; or call off the divorce if she is willing.

[moglow]

You met her last spring, married quickly and have already "left her" twice - second time only a month into the marriage? Seems a rather shaky foundation to me.

Looking at the list of things that give you pause, perhaps you might reconsider those as well. Everybody has good and bad qualities, PD or not. The trick is deciding which are negotiable, what are your deal breakers.

You have spent this time apart working on, presumably improving yourself. Has she? Is there any commitment to change, apology for past behavior, discussion of what has to change for you to stay together? Or are loneliness and boredom drawing you in?

Only you can decide what to do, just be sure to look at the whole picture, not just the pretty parts that drew you in the first place.

[Simon]

Phew, where to start?!?

You met her online, had sex on the first date, she basically moved in with you, you got scared (listened to your gut, in other words) and ended it, missed her for a couple of weeks, called  her, got on a plane, asked her to marry you, married 2 weeks later, and within a month you were miserable.

Just take a second to read that one sentence I wrote.
Wow.

Along with all that, you then list a load of traits that I would consider highly suggest Borderline Personality Disorder.
Whether or not she is BPD, she sound very toxic and unhealthy, and you are sounding very codependent.

No-one can tell you what to do, but I think Moglow hit the nail on the head saying that it's maybe down to loneliness and boredom drawing you in.
Sounds like you had a wonderful marriage with a wonderful person, and are desperate to get that back.
Well, to have another wonderful marriage, you're going to need another wonderful person.
Can you honestly say she's that person?

Maybe take a look at another thread that was started recently:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89077.0
Food for thought.

Do some research on the dangers of the body being in a constant state of alert.
We all have a natural response to danger, by going into a state of alert, the body releases chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol to put us at a high state of awareness and alertness.
This is good, and is only needed when we feel we are in danger.
But, constantly being in this state is VERY bad for you, and due to the nature of people with PDs, their partners are generally walking on eggshells, hypervigilant, etc, and the adrenaline and cortisol is almost being constantly released by the body.
We are not meant to be in this state for long periods of time, let alone most of the time, and the chronic stress caused by it is so damaging.

You already mention she displays emotional over-reactions, can't sit still, mood swings which are exacerbated by alcohol, calling your daughters names, isolating you, switching between loving you and hating you, etc.
Then you mention that she is a nice person (caring and tender you called her).
Well, how much niceness negates all those toxic behaviours?
How much abuse are you willing to put up with because she can be nice to you sometimes?

Not trying to sway you one way or another.
Just saying that if you go back into this situation, go into it with your eyes open.
Don't look to blame her or anyone else further down the road if things go bad, or the relationship makes you ill.
The red flags are there in abundance, and it's clear you have some insecurity issues you need to work on for yourself (you said so yourself).

I'm in my 50's, and I can tell you this.
I won't be sacrificing the health of my later years just to have a warm body next to me.
Like you, due to the work I've put in over the last year or two, I'm as healthy now as I was in my mid 20's, maybe healthier, and I intend to keep both mind and body in top shape for as long as nature will allow me to.
There isn't a single person in the World who will be allowed to get in the way of that goal.

Good luck.

[escapingman]

 

I am in my 40s, I feel like I am 80. I have been ran down by my uNPDw, I am constantly on high alert, stress hormones running through my body. Eating and drinking to much to comfort myself and take the edge of the abuse. I am now on my way out and I will never put my life in the hands of another human being again. My only advice is, RUN!

[seafarer]

Thanks for the replies.  All good advice and food for thought.  I particularly can relate to the thread mentioned about "stress and health".  I plan to stay the course and go through with the divorce.

I did have a long phone conversation last night with my soon to be ex wife.  By the end of it she was totally drunk.  Just goes to reinforce what I already know is the right decision in my brain.  Just wish that my emotions listened to my brain better.

[moglow]

Seafarer, my guess is you're still grieving, trying to get through your loss. I believe people meet their mates wherever they are, including online. It's just ... Dating is a trial period, getting to know someone. Not everyone we date or sleep with is the one we should marry, sometimes it's just the person we're with for now. Plus, we're presumably at our best while dating. It behooves us to pay attention while we're dating, not make any rash judgements or decisions.

Not to cast aspersions on your lady, but two bottles of wine on the first date? She may have been nervous as any of us would be, but this sounds like a regular thing. Good to know, right?

Wishing you peace as you make your way through.

[seafarer]

Definitely still grieving!  This is another big loss on top of all that I experienced in 2020. I so wanted things to work out! 

[DetachedAndEngaged]

One word answer: Yes!

[seafarer]

You met her online, had sex on the first date, she basically moved in with you, you got scared (listened to your gut, in other words) and ended it, missed her for a couple of weeks, called  her, got on a plane, asked her to marry you, married 2 weeks later, and within a month you were miserable.

Oh my, I have reread this sentence many times!  This succinctly sums up what happened.  Makes me sound like a fool.  I know that I was (am) infatuated with her.  It is so hard to let go!