I’m too good at not processing things

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I don't know if this is the result of things I have done to cope with the hurt of living with H - to simply not think about painful incidents and shove them out of my head.

Or if it's a physical decline in my brain like early dementia. My memory was unusually good and I could easily keep things in my mind and keep track of things that needed to be done. And now I could wake up, see a reminder for a 2pm phone call, and then forget about it and miss the call.

Anyway, my dad died. I did feel that on the day it happened. The next day I was having trouble believing it. And now, five days later, I can barely think of or feel it.

The funeral won't be for months and I fear it will be too late for me. It will feel very disconnected.

When my best friend died, I also felt disconnected from it. She and I weren't speaking at the time and it just never felt real. As far as I knew there was no service, if there was, it was FOO only.

I don't want to just forget about my dad like everything else.

[notrightinthehead]

You sound so worried. Could it be that you have to numb your feelings to be able to endure your present situation? Were your father and you close? Could you be in shock/denial stage? It is quite common to feel nothing or very little in that stage. It is also common to be forgetful and have a foggy head.
Any chance you could see a doctor to have your memory checked? You might feel re-assured after that.
Please be patient and kind with yourself, you have a lot to contend with.

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Thank you, that was good to hear.

I guess it could be normal to be in denial now, or rather it doesn't feel real. I did see him in July but I don't live in the area, did not see him in his final illness (no visitors allowed), have not and will not see his body (will be cremated).

My memory issues aren't at the level to flag for early dementia or anything. But it sure is a differenve for me. It's possible it's from a less worrying cause like post viral syndrome, but it appears to be permenant. But that's okay if it doesn't progress.

My H and I just had a little memorial. I expressed to H my worry about grieving and he said I was grieving, and I didn't have to be hard on myself expecting that I'm not having enough feelings. So he said it was okay that I was mostly okay.

[1footouttadefog]

I wonder parhaps of you might have grieved along the way in real time as these relationships were declining.  Then when the person passed you were simply numb from having already dealt already.

I have had some relationships like this.  One was a close friend from HS decades ago. At some point he started having mental health struggles wherein he would cut everyone out. Then he would sort of reappear when he was feeling better.  Or he would call and be super needy if he was struggling then not be available if I needed his company. I would  try tojust pick up where we had left off, but in reality a big part of the relationship had died as he was never able to be there for me. There were some confusing interactions the last few months before he died in an accident.  I did not have much grief to process becaise our relationship had died in stages.

As to memory for appointments and such, I find mine is worse when stressed, sleep deprived or emotionally taxed. I sort of see it as a thermometer of whether I am practicing self care or not. I have been disorganized and ADD since youth so Dementia will sneak in un noticed here, lol.  LSO I have my own stuff plus pdh stuff to track with so I  resorting to lists and calendars.

My elderly friends who get an amazing amount accomplished rely heavily on helps so I am feeling less resistance toward, and stress about needing to rely on them. 

Sorry you lost your father, and I think your experience is inside of the normal range in how you deal.

Take care of yourself.

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Thanks, 1foot. You're right, I've been grieving my father progressively over 3 years as he slid into dementia.

I do wonder if my memory could improve a bit with less stress. I'm certain it would still be impaired compared to my baseline, though. I am very good with lists and such so I have it managed, just have this thing in the back of my head wondering about early dementia. Dementia is happening earlier and earlier in our population, BIL has it at 50.