Saying he fathered kids that aren’t actually his

[Stillirise]

I'm going to say this is an "Uncommon Behavior." I almost put it in the bats*** thread, but I honestly think this deserves its own.

Over the years, uPDxh often made what he acted like were joking remarks about being the "real dad" of the kids of various friends. It was always a little awkward and weird, but he acted like it was some kind of hilarious joke.

He has also had a long-standing habit of taking under his wing, boys in late teens or early twenties, offering them employment, and teaching them his trade. Currently, he is employing the son of the woman he was fooling around with when we separated.  She and her husband are still married, and all parties deny an affair.  We were all in the same friend group for several years. However, I'm also certain he is not actually this young man's real father. 

However, according to a friend of mine, he has apparently been introducing this young man as his son, when they go to jobs together. It really is the weirdest thing.  It seems most men like him would try to hide an illegitimate child.  Instead, he wants to start rumors that he's fathered children that aren't really his.  Thoughts?!  What do I say to my own children?! I've heard him make these kinds of claims in front of them before. So bizarre.

[SonofThunder]

Hmmm... 🤔 How about. "Your dad's bats*** crazy...".  (Sorry couldn't resist 😂) 

You wrote " Currently, he is employing the son of the woman he was fooling around with when we separated.  She and her husband are still married, and all parties deny an affair.".

1. You know for a fact he was "fooling around" with this woman and she admits it?
-If yes, that constitutes an 'affair' in my mind.  Did they both deny sexual intercourse occurred?
-If yes, you believe both of them?
-if yes, was this young man born in a time period that aligns with that affair?

2. How old are the children with whom you are concerned about speaking regarding his statements?

Thanks for the extra info.

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

I am not a man; I can't speak for men generally or your husband. That said, I think there are people, men and women, who are so proud or desirous of certain qualities ("sex appeal," fertility, reproductive capabilities), real or imagined, that they would happily claim to be parents of children when they are in fact not the parents of those children.

[Stillirise]

I've always suspected it has something to do with his ego, and seeing himself as capable of having any woman he wanted. 

SoT, I don't have physical proof, but an affair is highly suspect. The relationship was at the very least, inappropriate for two members of the opposite sex, both married to other people.  However, 20+ years ago, when the "son/employee" was born, we lived somewhere else. 

My kids are 10/12, and still occasionally see two of the other children in that family, who are closer to their age.  My children have heard their dad speak not only of children in this family, but also other families, as "his" kid.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I’ve seen behavior from my mother of “adopting” a GC outside of the family. There was a thread about exactly that, so it’s something that’s people have definitely experienced. Claiming biological fatherhood seems to be a more aggressive form of it. Obviously that would be more difficult for a woman to claim or imply! But yeah, even for a man I agree it’s pretty batshit. And as you point out, has icky sexual undertones that for him could be a perverted kind of pride as well.

You’re divorced now, so do you actually need to say anything to your kids about it? Maybe if they bring it up. Then maybe just say that it’s simply not possible he’s that young man’s actual father. Based on my own mother’s behavior, I can see how this behavior might feel to them as if they were somehow a disappointment or not enough that their dad would seek out surrogate children like this. Even if they can’t articulate that. If they bring it up or you notice a reaction, it might be more to the point to focus on how they feel vs. the wild claims themselves.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=88059.0

^Here is the thread I referred to above.

[SonofThunder]

I've seen behavior from my mother of "adopting" a GC outside of the family. There was a thread about exactly that, so it's something that's people have definitely experienced. Claiming biological fatherhood seems to be a more aggressive form of it. Obviously that would be more difficult for a woman to claim or imply! But yeah, even for a man I agree it's pretty batshit. And as you point out, has icky sexual undertones that for him could be a perverted kind of pride as well.

You're divorced now, so do you actually need to say anything to your kids about it? Maybe if they bring it up. Then maybe just say that it's simply not possible he's that young man's actual father. Based on my own mother's behavior, I can see how this behavior might feel to them as if they were somehow a disappointment or not enough that their dad would seek out surrogate children like this. Even if they can't articulate that. If they bring it up or you notice a reaction, it might be more to the point to focus on how they feel vs. the wild claims themselves.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=88059.0

^Here is the thread I referred to above.

[Stillirise]

Thanks Call me Cordelia! That's exactly my fear for the kids. Otherwise, I wouldn't care anymore, what crazy things he says.  As DS approaches the age at which his dad tends to "adopt" these surrogate sons, it will be interesting to see how it plays out.  The kids haven't directly brought it up lately, but I can see their building animosity toward the chosen GC, from outside the family. They definitely notice!

[1footouttadefog]

Is it possible he is involved with the kids or desires to be involved sexually and uses the "like a son to me" "I'm his dad" thing as a cover.

[Stillirise]

Is it possible he is involved with the kids or desires to be involved sexually and uses the "like a son to me" "I'm his dad" thing as a cover.

Even though I guess anything is possible, I don’t believe that’s the case.  He seems to have a bit of Peter Pan Syndrome, and he surrounds himself with his “lost boys.”  Meaning, emotionally, he seems stuck in that age range (say 16-21).  He then finds these young men in that range, that can look up to him for his wisdom, and guidance—like his protégés, I suppose.   

I could go into a deep dive into his family history, which would probably explain why he’s this way.  However, my only real concern at this point is helping my children get to adulthood with as little trauma as possible!

[1footouttadefog]

I ask because several folks in the town I grew up in did things like this and several turned out to be pedos, or somewhat closeted homosexuals who preyed on just barely legals.  One was a minister, another was a parole officer, another a therapist.