Final Days

[JustKeepTrying]

He moved out of the house on Monday and I was finally allowed access this past Tuesday.  It wasn't as bad as I feared but there was still piles of just stuff.  Some an accumulation of living there close to 30 years.  Some of it just stuff he wouldn't part with that most people think of as junk.

And then I opened the front entrance hallway closet.  There was a whole rack of his work professional clothes and a rank rotting food smell.  Down below I found a large garbage filled with rotting garbage.  In the closet.

I then tackled the fridge and wiped out grass and leaves.  And mold.  I vomited.

The basement was filled with piles and piles of stuff and of course all my dear books.  I took a day and went through them keeping a box but then packed up the rest - all told more than thirty boxes of books for charity. 

Through each day and continuing until we are done - he keeps texting and asking question after question.  Should we keep the metal dump trucks that our son barely played with and someone gave them to us?  Did I keep all the cords and wires that are stacked in the four large boxes?  Did I keep the large box of floppy discs - we might need them?  The crazy is mind boggling.  I don't even know where I would go to see what is on the discs?

A whole box of VCR tapes of children's shows - that we taped - not even bought - but our grand kids may like them!

I feel such a swirl of emotions.  Nostalgia as I clean each room and think of all the kids that slept there and all the colors we painted the walls.  Or the items I inherited and the books I read with love.  ANd then the pure crazy hoarder as I empted box after box of rusty nails into a bin - a large bin - for the trash heap.

Part of my problem this past two years since I walked out and divorced him is this albatross that has been hanging over me.  This last tie between us and my inability to reclaim items that have serious memories for me.  My childhood jewelry box with my Girl Scout Gold Award.  I found it in the bottom of a box at the back of the basement under piles of nails.  If I had left it to him or a junk man I would never have been able to recover it.  It has eaten at me that he wouldn't let back into my house.

And now that I am budgeting for the travel that begins in a week!!! I realize that he has not paid my full alimony. I just couldn't worry about it - so many other pressing health things - and I have paid half of the expenses for him to live there.  I would be angry but a part of me is just whatever.  Its over.  I walked and no one in my mind can say I wasn't kind or fair to him.

The coolest thing through the past few days and the upcoming days is that I have no emotion towards him.  No love.  Or anger or even frustration.  It's like he is this weird guy and I just have to tolerate him for a little bit longer.

That is a good kind of progress.

[Boat Babe]

Well done Justkeeptrying. That can't have been easy but you did it. 

[SonofThunder]

Well done Justkeeptrying. That can't have been easy but you did it. 

[Lauren17]

The coolest thing through the past few days and the upcoming days is that I have no emotion towards him.  No love.  Or anger or even frustration.  It's like he is this weird guy and I just have to tolerate him for a little bit longer.

That is a good kind of progress.

That is an excellent kind of progress!!
I'm so pleased for you.