Feeling strangely calm...

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmil and her husband will be here for a visit in less than two weeks. I spent the past month filled with annoyance and anxiety, and then suddenly, a few days ago, something clicked, and it's like I've accepted that this will happen and have absolute confidence that I can handle it.

I read and listen to a lot of Eckhart Tolle, and he talks a lot about accepting your circumstances, whatever they may be, and that a lot of misery comes from resisting our own reality. And I think that's what's happening here. It occurred to me that my PDmil can't change who I am, that I don't have to react or even respond to anything she says, that her being here is extremely temporary, and in the timeline of my whole life, this visit will end up being one tiny insignificant dot.

Anyway, it's actually a strange place to be in, because it is so not the norm. I'm used to being frazzled and upset when she's only visiting for a few hours. I keep thinking, "Is this real or have I finally lost it? Am I deluding myself?" It feels very odd to let go of all that resistance.

(Which is not to say I won't have moments of frustration and downright fury during the visit. I'm not that zen.  But not having so much irritation already surging through me before anything has happened will probably help me keep my cool.)

Now if only I could share some of this newfound confidence with my husband. 

[bloomie]

Cat of the Canals - what a great update! Standing on my chair cheering you on! 

I can't help but believe that at some point we realize exactly how much of our precious mental, emotional, actual time and space we are giving over to all of the poor behaviors and choices of a person who doesn't happen to have a problem. And in the totality of our actual good and productive lives it just is not worth the emotional cost or impact it has on the atmosphere of our home and most treasured relationships to be in angst over what we cannot change.

Knowing I can't fix a problem with another by myself redirects my energies and focus.

Realizing that I am the one who has the problem with a few of my DH's family members choices and behaviors empowers me to solve the problem. I have the tools for that job.

And for me... and it sounds like for you, the first step is realizing that the behaviors and choices that cause frustration, hurt, disconnection are not most likely not going to change or adjust.

Embracing MY choices and letting go of the hypervigilence and pre encounter planning I once did has been a benchmark in healing for me. I did those things because I needed to at the time and my boundaries were still wobbly and I was just learning when/how/if to use my tools.

And there is no shame in the journey, but I am stronger, clear eyed, I have zero expectations of any kind of actual familial connection and view this all as part of my life package. And a very small one at that if I look at it like you are. A very small period of time that I can get through with dignity and grace, process, and move on as I, for the foreseeable future, will have some amount of contact.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Cat of the Canals,

I agree with Bloomie and am also cheering you on.

There is a point some of us get to where it clicks - just like you said. We realize that this person is going to be what they be, and do what they do....it usually comes after we've seen them in action enough times that we realize, oh yeah, the way they act on this visit will be a lot like the last one....and the one before that....

I've been thinking about something related to this 'letting go of resistance' you wrote about here. I was thinking about how when we meet someone, it is very hard to just look at who they are, and accept it. We want them to be a certain way. I too have found that Eckhart Tolle has explained this well at times. We want this person to be kind, but are they? We want them to be healthy, and balanced, but are they? We want them to be patient, but are they?

For many people I've met, the answer is "Sure, sometimes, when they feel like it". They are kind when they feel like it, they are patient when they feel like it, and they are cranky when they feel like it. They are moody (and self - centred) when they feel like it.

I think we were all taught as children - that if we want people to be kind to us, we have to be kind to them. But really, people are in the mood they are in. In this forum, we are teaching ourselves the next lesson - if someone isn't kind to us, we need to pay attention, and not deny that reality.

You visualized your entire life, and saw this visit as a tiny dot. That really puts it into perspective! Most people have to stare at the stars for that sort of perspective (have you been looking at the sky recently lol?). That is a little joke. 

You saw how short a visit is in the big expanse of time and the universe - and it grounded you. That is fantastic!

The stuff I like from E Tolle is about how you are more than your moods. You're more than your frustration with MIL when she does something annoying during the trip. Zen isn't denying that frustration, zen (to me) is saying "ah self, this is some annoying stuff going on right now isn't it?".

So you sound pretty Zen to me!

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you both for the very thoughtful responses!

This is still so foreign, I keep expecting the other shoe to drop, frankly. But I also had somewhat of a mini-breakthrough with my own PDmom. My SIL sent a photo of my parents and my brother's family on vacation last week. Something about seeing my mother's photo made me incredibly sad, and I almost slid into guilty feelings. (Probably in part because my first thought was how old she looked, which set me on a path of considering her mortality, etc.) And then I thought, "But she is who she is, and I can't change that. Our relationship is a certain way and always has been because of her limitations, and that is out of my control." I've had this thought before, but this time it seemed to come with a deeper understand and acceptance.

A very small period of time that I can get through with dignity and grace, process, and move on as I, for the foreseeable future, will have some amount of contact.

I love this and think I will use it as my mantra during the visit. I will get through this with dignity and grace.

The stuff I like from E Tolle is about how you are more than your moods. You're more than your frustration with MIL when she does something annoying during the trip. Zen isn't denying that frustration, zen (to me) is saying "ah self, this is some annoying stuff going on right now isn't it?".

This is it exactly, and one of the main things I've suddenly understood: that I can acknowledge the behavior internally (perhaps even externally, depending on the situation), but not allow my own emotions to dominate the moment. (Or as Tolle would say "Not identify with the feeling.")

[treesgrowslowly]

Thanks for posting this.

I think that because so many people defend their mood as "who they are", we just don't see the other behaviours enough.

I feel it would be easier if we saw others making these same breakthroughs.

So I am soaking up the words written here by each of us since it really does happen.

Trees

[Sneezy]

This is still so foreign, I keep expecting the other shoe to drop, frankly.

I think this is one of the side effects of being raised by a parent with a PD.  It is difficult to live in the moment and enjoy the times when we are at peace.  We always have our feelers out there, waiting for mom (or dad) to slip into a full-on episode of waifiness or rage or the silent treatment or whatever they do to keep us attending to their needs.

You are in a good place right now, keep it up.  Enjoy your zen, Cat - you deserve it!   

[Cat of the Canals]

They arrive today. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling slightly icky. But my anxiety is nowhere near where I thought it would be, even though we don't have any idea whether they'll show up on our doorstep today or not. PDmil has repeatedly told my husband they'll be "taking it easy" today. We live at altitude so she's worried about altitude sickness. But I know her well enough to be dubious that she'll be content sitting in her hotel all day.

[bloomie]

Cat... thinking of you! Let us know how it goes! You've got this and you are not alone!

[Cat of the Canals]

It's going OK. As predicted, after promising since they booked the trip that they would be staying at their hotel the first day to "get settled," she called the minute they arrived and invited herself to our house.  Thankfully they were so jetlagged that before we could even respond, they fell asleep for four hours.

I wouldn't say I've been perfectly zen the whole time, but I'm doing my best. I mistakenly JADEd a little the other day when MIL started in on us about something that's none of her business. (I'm usually very good about not JADEing, but when she starts harassing my husband, I tend to get defensive.) Looking back, I can see how much better that "conversation" would have gone if I'd answered her intrusiveness with utter silence. It was a lesson learned, for sure. I worry a lot about coming up with the correct responses with her or my own PDmom, but the truth is that silence is often more than adequate.

[bloomie]

Cat - sounds like a good use of your tools and that you are doing some processing as you go! All we can ever expect of ourselves is that we do the best we can in the moment with tough people and stress filled situations. I like the self compassion you are showing yourself.

And yes... silence! Such an empowered choice and especially hard when a our DH's are being targeted. So agree with your wise thought that silence is often more than adequate!

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks, Bloomie. It's a good feeling to know there are people like you that understand and are cheering me on from a distance. 

They leave very early tomorrow morning so this will be the last day for us. We are anticipating a hard sell about us visiting for the holidays from MIL, and a potential meltdown when we tell her we already have plans (staying home). But my husband and I have now thoroughly discussed our new "silence is the best response" policy, so I don't think she'll get very far with it.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's over! I'm free!

Shockingly, MIL did not even bring up the holidays. She also said, "IF we ever visit again..." instead of "When we visit again..." Music to my ears.

But honestly, all those MC and gray rock skills really did make the week bearable. As did setting the boundary of not having them stay at our house... I think that dynamic kept MIL from feeling comfortable enough to let down her hair and get in full-bore "entitlement mode." She still had her moments of being rude and obnoxious, but it was more on the level of being annoying vs. outright abusive. It was the level of discomfort I'd feel if I had to have dentist appointments five days in a row. Not fun, but certainly not intolerable. And it is a relief to have it over with.

[Andeza]

  you made it!!! Congratulations on resuming peace in your home! 

[bloomie]

Bravo! Love this update and so thankful you successfully navigated a tricky few days!