Faux apology language

[poetandpunk]

Anyone else deal with PD relatives (mine are NPD) that try and try to make contact by using faux apology language?

My parents write emails (thru third parties) that say they want to 'make peace' or 'talk.'

To me making peace is a total farce. It's not peace that they want, it's access and control.

Peace doesn't look like their choices. It doesn't look like contacting me through friends or cyberstalking me or ignoring all my boundaries.

If they wanted to make peace, like even children know how to do, they would apologise or own their actions in some way. They have never once tried to do that in any of their attempts to contact me in the 8 years I have gone Nc. Which for me is further proof that they have a PD. Anyone else having done the weird and awful stuff they have done would have apologised a long time ago - esp if they were resourceful enough to find a way to get in touch. It's interesting because their resourcefulness always reflects a desire to get what THEY WANT. But they lack the inner resources for relating to people in the most basic way: knowing when you do something wrong and owning it. It's like they can't do it - t hey don't have the hardware - so they don't.

Anyway they Use faux apology language about making peace or having a family or whatever.

Do your relatives use faux apology language too? What does it sound like?

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's not even fauxpology material. That's demanding language. THEY want. A fauxpology would be more like, "I'm sorry we've had misunderstandings. I'm sorry you feel hurt." Passive language, not taking ownership of their crap behavior, but acknowledging there is a problem between them and you.

The uPDs in my family don't even stoop to the fauxpology either.

MIL: "I love my family so much and I would like to include you in that circle."

After listing out all the hoops I would have to jump through to be deemed worthy of such inclusion. 

F: "I just want to see my grandchildren."

My point of view doesn't even exist, even to be paid lip service.

[Janeite V]

I am glad you are sticking to your 8 year no-contact.

Unfortunately, before I understood NPD I was a complete sucker for this sort of hoovering attempt. It was like they were offering my hopes and dreams for a reconciliation and closure on a platter.

They would say something like "how can we fix what has gone on between us?" When I tried to explain the behaviours that were upsetting to me, they would become defensive and demand examples.

When I gave examples there would be the classic DARVO and gaslighting. Things like "it's no secret you have a mental illness. You aren't seeing things the way they actually are," or "can you not use examples from ten years ago?"

Then there would be a fauxpology along the lines of "I'm sorry you got upset" or "I am sorry you feel that way" and then a demand for an apology for the way I just spoke to them. If I questioned their apology then I would be accused of not being able to move on.

Predictably, by giving them a list of the things that bothered me, the narcissist would then step up the behaviours in question, often changing the form slightly.

[Starboard Song]

Anyone else deal with PD relatives (mine are NPD) that try and try to make contact by using faux apology language?

My parents write emails (thru third parties) that say they want to 'make peace' or 'talk.'

To me making peace is a total farce. It's not peace that they want, it's access and control.

Peace doesn't look like their choices. It doesn't look like contacting me through friends or cyberstalking me or ignoring all my boundaries.

Oh yeah.

When my in-laws wanted to insult or demean us, they'd go on for flamboyant pages of purple prose. When they realized it was time to slack the line, they'd send a painfully concise note like it was to a hostage negotiator, talking about meeting in the middle, finding a middle ground, and so on. And if you proposed talking, they'd want pre-negotiations to cover what topics were considered in play, and what was not in play.

Apologies, at best, were an acknowledgement that they were not blameless, or not perfect, or whatever. Rarely more than that.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've never heard an apology from PDmom's lips. Ever. She simply rugsweeps and lovebombs and pretends that whatever she did to cross the line never happened. But apparently she is capable. When my brother and SIL were getting married, there was an ongoing battle over the fact that my mother was inviting every living person she'd ever encountered. They wanted a small wedding. My brother repeatedly asked her to stop inviting people. She ignored his requests. When my SIL finally broke down over it, suddenly mom pretended to be receptive. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were so upset! I wish you'd said something." The thing is, THEY HAD SAID SOMETHING. Numerous times that I witnessed and who knows how many I didn't.

She also continued inviting people, she just did it more quietly and sneakily instead of rubbing their faces in it like she had been. So in my mind, even an authentic sounding apology from a PD is worth little.

[Fortuna]

My mom just sent a postcard with no return address or any mention of her name with 'we're family. Let's mend this. I love you. Please call'  Which I feel might be equivalent to let's make peace, or whatever other language they use to mean 'get back to abusing you'. The last time I remember my mother using the words i'm sorry was when she asked me how many more times she had to say I'm sorry for this to go away when we were trying to 'hash things out' a couple of years ago. The thing is she hadn't started saying she was sorry yet. She's also occasional used the "i'm sorry if that happened, or i'm sorry but I just don't know what to say to you anymore. (Hint how about being nice, maybe like I have the power to you know leave if you treat me badly). Fauxpologies can take a lot of forms, there's usually some qualifier about how it didn't happen, wasn't their fault, it wasn't that bad, and so on. Unfortunately with PD people you need to look for the angle and why they are saying it. (Access to grandkids, control over you,money,  drama drama drama, looking like a happy family to the outside especially for an upcoming event, etc.)

[Nominuke]

NC now and have been for several years.

As I grew up and became an adult I would argue and fight back with my NPD dad.

I remember sometimes after an episode of abuse if I stuck it out long enough I would get a faux apology.

However it was usually a sorry "for your mother's sake". That is to say an apology to stop the fight and not a real apology.

This continued for several years until I eventually walked.

[Hazy111]

Yeah the more sophisticated PD uses the "tactical apology" as i call it, ( as in, if i apologise, can things go back to the way they were).

Sorry, (but not sorry), as the joke goes (lots of Pds out there!) 

A non PD person would realise they have acted inappropriately and have a sense of remorse and seek to make amends asap. The longer they leave it, is always an indicator.

[Hilltop]

Fauxpology in my family is "I'm sorry you feel that way".  MIL will say "I hope you are feeling better".  I have never heard a simple "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said or done that".  To me I'm sorry you feel that way is not an apology there is no "I'm sorry" they are simply saying hey too bad you feel like you do.  There is no acknowledgment that you are feeling bad because of something they have done, they are simply instead blaming you for feeling bad.

The behaviour of going through other people to reach out to talk - my mother does that as a way to paint herself as the victim.  It gives her a way to act like she doesn't know what to do or say to make things better and I am so difficult.  In this way the third party reaches out and you ignore their requests and of course you get painted as the difficult one.  The stuff that has gone on behind the scenes is not spoken of.

Another tactic is to use a time when you are upset over something and then say to other people "she is just so sensitive, she has just lashed out at me for no reason, I just don't know what to do".  The reality is I would have said to my mother that her latest insult hurt and that it was uncalled for and of course that would be the end of the conversation but behind my back it has been used to smear me whilst she is acting all normal with me.  She never would have apologised and she would be acting fine to my face whist sticking the knife in behind my back.  When I realised my mother was doing this then her behaviour of only ever texting to ask me if everything was ok became obvious.  She didn't want to actually talk about it, it was just another game and another way to paint herself as the victim.  I now no longer play.

The behaviour in your family of getting other people involved to contact you, I see this as another game.  They need to appear a certain way to other people or be able to say, hey I tried when really their actions are anything but.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I agree what they refer to as an apology is actually directed to get what they want. Have you heard these words mixed into the apology: "I miss you".. "Would love to hear from you".. "We worry about you"... "Would love for you celebrate this holiday with us". 
   
Then there is something slightly more aggressive that I think if we respond, it implies we forgive and move on: "Please accept my apology".. This is a demand.  Then "Whatever I did to hurt you, I am sorry". No awareness, and seems to reflect they think my feelings are not worth figuring out.

Instead I would have ideally heard something such as "I am sorry I did XXX. I did not realize the effects it had. I will try to be more mindful of it." Then would be nice to see change in those behaviors.

[Liketheducks]

This is so like my experience.   I've received one apology from my mom, via text....that was I'm sorry...but I've never had a problem with you....so it must be you.   Ugh!     Then she's alienated me from everyone else in my family by changing reality to fit her narrative.   It's brutal....but I think it is part of the illness.

[Ziggy52]

I've come to realize that an apology from someone typically shouldn't leave you feeling confused, angry or ashamed of yourself. My mom has sent me many "apologies." Rather than taking responsibility for her own actions, they are very vague, she apologizes for my "shortcomings," or she apologizes for something that wasn't even a thing. Some that stand out; "I'm sorry you don't know you are loved." "I'm sorry you don't understand what's really going on." "I'm sorry, but surely you know I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you." "I'm sorry you're so emotional." "I'm sorry, but you misunderstood/it wasn't what you think it was." And, mostly prior to going NC, they were sandwiched between criticisms. I started having my husband read them, too, because I always felt so upset afterwards, and was so in the FOG, I didn't know why. I really thought I was the unforgiving person both parents told me I was. His comments as he was reading probably sounded funny to someone without context. It would go something like this; "Oh—yikes!...well, that's harsh...awww, now that's nice...oh, SLAM!...Ya, that's messed up."

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry you are going through this.

Thankfully I don't have to deal with any fake apologies, since we sent cease and desist orders four years ago.

I have a peaceful, happy life and instead of having to worry about where the next attack is coming from, I can focus on my family and my word without stress.