New Member-My Story

[seafarer]

New to the forum.  Thought I would share my story.  My wife of 40+ years died of cancer after a long battle about 1 1/2 years ago. My grandson died about 10 days prior to my wife's passing.  To say the least, I had suffered some trauma.   I had had a great marriage and then my world fell apart.  (I also was diagnosed with cancer afterward but fortunately surgery and treatment has been successful to date.)

I started looking online for companionship about 10 months after her death.  I was constantly drawn to a profile that seemed to match up well with me.  I finally got her interest and we started texting a lot.  During that time she told me she was "intense".  I really had no idea what that entailed at the time.

Our first date we went to dinner to get acquainted.  My date had a couple of glasses of wine and I had one.  After dinner, we got a bottle of wine and went to my hotel and drank part of it in the lobby of the hotel where I was spending the night due to driving over 2 hours to meet her.  After a while she whispered in my ear that she really wanted to kiss me.  One thing led to another and you can guess the rest for the night. 

The following weekend she came to my home and spent the weekend.  She made me feel like I had never felt before but I had a sense that something was off.  Oh well, what did I know.  I hadn't dated in over 40 years. 

Soon afterward she brought clothes to my place and left them there.  Basically moved in.  I had never had sex like we had together.  She was ready to move in and basically did. 

After a few days, I realized that this was not a good situation and asked her to leave.  After that I came to realize that my attraction to her was very strong and that I enjoyed being with her.  The fact she was a beautiful women did not hurt either.  I texted her and asked told her I was sorry and I would like to go to dinner with her again if she was willing.  I heard back immediately but she was out of state.  The next thing I know I am on a plane and flying to meet up with her.  I proposed and within a few weeks we were married.

During our short engagement I had effectively cut off my adult children and all of my friends as she was jealous of any communication I had with them. (My friends were only friends but happened to be mostly female.) If I ever or anyone else mentioned my first wife she would go into funk.  She told me I should l not say good things about my first wife as it hurt her feelings.

I still went ahead with a destination wedding as I was totally infatuated with her.  I thought we had a real connection.  Soon after coming back to reality I began to think I had made a serious mistake.  Mood swings at the slightest or perceived change in my demeanor.  Her statements were always "I" statements and not "we" statements.  This was especially true any time she had a drink and she drank often. 

There is much more I could share, but the story is nothing new to the forum.  After about a month, I came to realize that I could not maintain my own mental health, physical health, and family relationships.  I left. (We were living where she works and I still had my own home.)  I went to therapy and filed for divorce.  I am about half way through the divorce process. She did not take the separation and my filing for divorce well.  Went from telling me how much she loved me to accusing  me of being with other women.

While I know I made the best decision for me, it hasn't been easy.  At first I was relieved and then I would begin to miss her.  Weekends are the worst.  Only after separating, going through therapy and doing a lot of research have I come to realize she likely is an unconventional BPD.  If fact, in a different forum I read a description  that pretty much described my short but intense relationship with my soon to be ex wife. On one hand I wish I could help her.  On the other, I realize that I was extremely vulnerable and an easy target. 

Fortunately I have been able to reconnect with my friends and family.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this forum! Sounds like you had a lucky escape after a short experience. You might want to read the Personality disorders tab and the Toolbox tab for more information and strategies how to deal with your soon to be ex wife. Maybe it can also help you to avoid such traps in future.

[bloomie]

Hi Seafarer! Welcome to Out of the FOG.

What a sequence of difficult and painful events you have experienced. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson and first wife and that this new marriage has fractured. How incredibly complicated all of the feelings and processing of this must be.

I am thankful you have joined this compassionate and supportive community. We have resources and helpful conversations throughout the boards, so take your time and look around.

A great jumping in place may be the Separating and Divorcing sub forum found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=8.0

It is quite a feat to have extricated yourself so quickly from a marriage that had you isolated and making decisions that were not in your best interest.

That longing you describe still feeling and wanting to help someone who may or may not want our help is familiar to many of us here.

Having our own survival instincts overwhelmed by another's complex web of responses and behaviors for a period of time can leave us doubting ourselves. Rebuilding self trust and a sense of empowerment takes time and distance from the relationship, but in time, with good support like you are gathering to yourself those feeling of loss fade away and sweet freedom is what we find.

I hope you find your time here helpful as you make your way to much better days!