Nmom on suicide watch

[Amadahy]

Hey, y'all,

My Nmom's long-term care facility just called to say she has indicated suicidal thoughts.  She's on watch and cords are out of her room.  They are a great facility and the social worker spoke with such compassion and sympathy. 

Me?  I'm dissociated a bit and honestly mad because this is attention-seeking.  I don't say that lightly; honestly, I don't.  (Please, please forgive me if that is triggering to anyone.)  But, this has been my whole life and she's really, frankly mad at my sister for living her own life, which doesn't line up the way Nmom thinks it should.  This is a tactic to get sis "back in line" to ease Nmom's own anxiety. 

I hate this.  I hate feeling cavalier about something that is normally a very valid and real concern.  I hate feeling dissociated.  I hate the impeccable timing Nmom has -- when something good happens to me (a great job interview), she does something difficult to deal with (within an hour of said interview).  I hate not being able to have compassion and sympathy for my Nmom's pain because if I show the least bit of concern she takes that as standing in agreement with her.  I hate just never having anything positive or helpful from the mother figure in my life!!! 

I'm going for a very long walk.  Thank you for being a safe space to vent.  xoxo

[notrightinthehead]

Here is another heartless daughter. My mum pretended to have a heart attack and this cold hearted daughter called the ambulance instead of melting down. My mum hung up the phone and seemed to be feeling better quickly.

[bloomie]

Amadahy - I am really glad you shared and so sorry you are facing this with your mom.

I hope it is comfort knowing that your mom is somewhere staffed with people who can be front line responders to her during this time and who do not have the history and back knowledge you have with this kind of behavior and can work with it on face value. This is how it takes a village to get our elders through the final season of their lives. Some layers between us and their destructive choices.

I also hope the walk helped. It always helps me to get moving and refocus that energy surge.

[moglow]

Hope you're enjoying a very long walk in cool fresh air!

I hate this.  I hate feeling cavalier about something that is normally a very valid and real concern.  I hate feeling dissociated.  I hate the impeccable timing Nmom has -- when something good happens to me (a great job interview), she does something difficult to deal with (within an hour of said interview).  I hate not being able to have compassion and sympathy for my Nmom's pain because if I show the least bit of concern she takes that as standing in agreement with her.  I hate just never having anything positive or helpful from the mother figure in my life!!! 

Those are awful - if absolutely legitimate - thoughts and feelings to have, I know all too well. If it helps delay or [hopefully eliminate] future events, consider what has been called an "information diet." Nothing for her to feed on, whether positive or negative. Learn to restrict conversations to the lovely weather, gardening, etc - you know, innocuous drama free subjects.

My mum pretended to have a heart attack and this cold hearted daughter called the ambulance instead of melting down. My mum hung up the phone and seemed to be feeling better quickly.

Preach! I'd have done the same - having that level of illness, I couldn't help even if I were there. As it is I'm almost two hours away [traffic permitting], if mine needed help that's exactly what I'd have done. Mine once called me in full on panic, convinced someone was breaking into her house. Mother you need to call law enforcement. "I already called your brother and he's not answering!!" Oh. So the obvious choice was to call me next ... Dude no. He's working offshore, you know he left last week. Call law enforcement. "You don't even caaaaaare!!" I know my limitations from here. Get off the phone and out of the house if you think someone else is in there. You live on main street, not a deserted island. Call for actual help. Suddenly there was no problem. [Added hint - she had two of the most obnoxious barky dogs who wouldn't have let up if someone even knocked on the door, let alone in the house. Not a peep from them. So yes - Drama.]

[Sneezy]

I hate feeling cavalier about something that is normally a very valid and real concern. 

You are not being cavalier, though.  The thing is you know your mom better than anyone and you know what this is.  You are wise to let the professionals at her senior facility handle this.  Sending hugs - hang in there!

Here is another heartless daughter. My mum pretended to have a heart attack and this cold hearted daughter called the ambulance instead of melting down. My mum hung up the phone and seemed to be feeling better quickly.

Good for you!  I did the same thing about a year ago.  Was out to brunch with mom when she started having pain in her back.  She claimed it was spreading to her chest and I asked the restaurant manager to please call 911.  Turned out to be a kidney stone (which can be painful), but mom was angry that she had to spend half her day in the ER and even angrier when she got the bill for the ambulance co-pay.  I didn't even blink when she started complaining - just told her that we had a new rule - when she says "chest pain" I call 911.  Full stop.

[1footouttadefog]

I hate that you all have been out through so much abuse that you have reason to feel it's likely drama.

As Bloomie mentioned, Its a blessing that those in Nursing homes have professionals on hand.

[Sneezy]

I hate that you all have been out through so much abuse that you have reason to feel it's likely drama.

As Bloomie mentioned, Its a blessing that those in Nursing homes have professionals on hand.

My mom lies and gaslights all the time and so it is impossible to know when something is truly an emergency or not.  The only way I can deal with it is to stay calm and think to myself - if what mom is saying is true, what is the easiest and quickest way to handle it?  Does 911 need to be called?  If not, can mom handle this herself?  Or do I need to do "something" and if I do, then what is the simplest thing I can do?  I have lost count of how many times I've told my mom that I am not a doctor and she needs to stop complaining to me and hang up and then call her doctor.

[Amadahy]

Thank you all so much for supportive and helpful responses. Nmom is no longer engaged in suicidal talk.  She's gone quite flat and physically lethargic.  I sometimes thought her rage would last until her final breath, but she may fade away.  It is sad and hard to witness, but I do not miss the rage, as it was usually directed to me.  I am immensely thankful for the staff at her facility.  xoxo

[nanotech]

Thank you all so much for supportive and helpful responses. Nmom is no longer engaged in suicidal talk.  She's gone quite flat and physically lethargic.  I sometimes thought her rage would last until her final breath, but she may fade away.  It is sad and hard to witness, but I do not miss the rage, as it was usually directed to me.  I am immensely thankful for the staff at her facility.  xoxo

When there's a third party in charge, as in the facility staff, it can totally mess with the PD system of abuse. It works to reduce their power. Their PD needs, expressed in skewed fashion, are simply taken at face value by people outside the family, who haven't been conditioned emotionally to react with FOG.
I'm another bad daughter. UNPD DAD pretended to have a heart attack at my aunt's funeral- I stayed at the wake while Nbro took him to A&E.
When mum was dying, I remember that  my nbrother tried to control who of his siblings would visit BPDmum in the hospice, and how long for.  The resulting row between him and Nsis was witnessed by some of the staff. Nbro nearly got himself banned for aggressive behaviour. For once, he, the GC, couldn't have his way.
My UNPDDAD, fueled by Nbro, had kept mum at home for far too long, when she really needed the hospice ( there was nothing I could do, I tried, but I am way down the pecking order. It was only when BPD mum asked to go,  that he relented. )
Not quite the same as your mum, but it's the same sort of change- once outsiders who are responsible adults become involved, fairness and good sense has to creep in, and it actually offers up a sense of relief.
I'm sending hugs xxxxx